Parents with 2 yr old boys - tell me - am I expecting too much?

[bumblebumble]

I have a daughter 21 mo and a friend has a son of the same age. We meet through the children when they were 6 mo or so and things have been fine until the last month or two. Her son is very boisterous compared to my daughter - everything she has he snatches from her, he hits other children and prodded her in the eye yesterday - luckily no harm done but she was very upset and looked at me pleadingly as if to say why are you letting this happen? She physically shies away from him and I have a 7 mo and he is a menace anywhere near her - holds heavy toys near her etc. Mom does tell him but in a half hearted way and he ignores her. I think I have to lessen the amount I see them for a while or just a walk in the park or something (though he will snatch twigs as well!). I am trying to understand mom but I think she needs to be more stern with him and tell him properly (eye contact etc). I fear he will hurt my duaghter and I would not forgive myself if that happened after I had thought all of this. A lot of this is his age of course but I feel he is a real loose canon and if my daughter were older I would try to encourage other ways of dealing with it but she is still very young so I guess removing her from being around him is the best thing?

[Paolosgirl]

In my experience, boys tend to be more physical when they are playing - but that's only on average, and that certainly doesn't mean that they should be allowed to 'play' in the way you describe.

If his mum won't do much about it, then I would deal with it myself, to let the little boy and the mum know that you won't stand for your daughter being hurt. I've got 2 boys (the eldest of whom was a complete nightmare as a 2 year old) and a little girl - all different characters, but none were/are allowed to hurt another child.

[Poshpaws]

Hmm. Probably more to do with the mum not tellng him off effectively rather than it being 'boy' behaviour. I have 3 and they have not done this.

A friend of mine stopped seeing a friend of hers for similar reasons and it was her DS being 'attacked' by the other mum's DD.

It's up to you if you want to stop seeing them, I suppose. Difficult one

[jay11]

I agree, boys are more boisterous but shouldn't be allowed to hit or hurt. Saying that dd1 used to enjoy 'baby bashing' at toddler groups when she was 2 - needless to say I didn't go for a while. Now aged 7, she's lovely! Think it's an age thing.

[bumblebumble]

It is not being done intentionally - he is being playful - prodding in the face, getting up close etc and mom knows my daughter does not like it - I guess I feel she needs to be more strict with him. Obviously I don't know if she is getting messages from other people that boys will be boys and it's a phase he will grow out of - I just hope no one gets hurt before that happens.

[jay11]

PS I would tell him a firm 'no' if the mum won't do anything!

[bumblebumble]

I guess I have said boys because I think people tolerate this sort of behaviour from boys more - I am sure some people think it is masculine and proves he is a proper boy. I am just not enjoying our encounters and I am sure other mother doesn't much either and as my duaghter really does not like it then that is the indicator that I need to lessen contact. it is a kick up the backside for me as I am too dependent on seeing this mother and I need to get out and make other friends

[waitingforbedtime]

I agree its not necessarily a 'boy' thing. However it isnt necessarily a bad parenting thing either. I know kids who are like this despite quite strict parents on the other hand I am not that strict and dont use the naughty step etc but ds doesnt often hit or snatch or anything though he is 'naughty' in other ways! Alot of it is down to the personality of the child.

If it were me I would definitely just tell him off myself. Don't be too harsh, it's so easy to demonise a child (I know youre not) and at this age they are still babies. He just has to learn how the world works.

Also, remember, your child may be the one behaving like this in another week / month / year so try and have sympathy. The mum may be embarassed and not wanting to draw attention by disciplining - not the right way to go but you never know.

[waitingforbedtime]

Also, please don't take this the wrong way but it won't do your daughter any harm to say ' you're fine' and dismiss it a wee bit if she cries when she isn't REALLY hurt. Kids do get knocks and bumps and it doesnt do them any harm in the long run.

[bumblebumble]

I do do that generally but she was so upset yesterday becuase I think she does not like being around him.

I in no way want to mollycoddle my daughter and want her to be robust but she is as she is for now.

[ThumbleBells]

My DS is just 2 and for a few months he has been quite physical - but I don't put up with it. I don't like being hit/kicked/having things thrown at me, so I don't allow him to do it unchecked. He gets told off, voice volume depending on the severity of the offence (and how much it hurt!) and punished by withdrawal of toys/snacks/his tv shows, whatever.

However, he had a thing about eyes - MIL has a fox terrier, so we have had to be utterly vigilant about stopping him poking her in the eye, as she is likely to take his finger off! She's very placid normally, but no dog is going to take kindly to having their eye poked. I think the dog thing has helped though - he's less keen on eyes now.

A lot of it is boundary-pushing at this stage - "what can I get away with, aha, I got away with that light smack now how about this mighty wallop?"

[bumblebumble]

One thing I specifically wanted to ask was do people think it is too young to get him to understand? My daughter is very good with baby - I was quite stern to her whenever she was doing something dangerous near baby and she got the message very quickly - obviously he is not exposed to a baby as my duaghter is but I am sure he could learn quickly if told and the snatching and stuff applies to everyone he interacts with.

[Skegness]

Sounds like meeting in the park would be a good plan. Boys can be more physical and boisterous sometimes and his behaviour doesn't sound at all unusual to me. Your kids are still very little- some way off 2 and just babies really- and he probably doesn't understand the impact of his actions very much at all yet. I totally agree with pg that he shouldn't be allowed to hurt another child though and that you are quite justified in stepping in to protect your children.

[waitingforbedtime]

Oh yes I wasnt suggesting you do mollycoddle her.

Ds is often hit/pushed /shoved and always has been. I think it is because he is a bit of a gentle giant!! He is not quite 3 but looks about 4/5 but has always loved other kids and quite often his friends and even random kids push him etc. Have to say he doesnt bother much tbh but it is quite funny when he finally gets annoyed and stares them out!!!

[bumblebumble]

I agree Thumblebeels and I am sure mom said something about how he does not understand that he can do certain things to his cousins who are much older - so I have to question how rough they are allowing him to be with them and with older people.

[bumblebumble]

I am sure his behaviour is quite normal - I guess it is mom not doing enough and laughing it off - if it were my child I would want them to start learning that they are not to behave like that and I would fear them hurting someone else's child.

[bumblebumble]

Ultimately I don't feel I should make my very young daughter be with another child who she is wary of - it's not fair for her to try to comprehend that. I would speak to him firmly if I felt free to and I think my daughter needs either me or this boy's mom to tell him properly but I have come to the conclusion that mom is not going to do it.

[ThumbleBells]

then you must do what is right for your DDs, regardless. It would appear you cannot rely on this other mother, nor that you can say anything to this boy - so limiting contact is the only way forward.

[Morloth]

I had to drop a friend whose son was very aggressive. It just wasn't worth the tears and stress anymore. Sometimes parenting means that you can see really clearly how different you are from friends. It got to the point where DS would cry if I said "So and So were coming over" and I realised how unfair that was on him.

I have a very boisterous boy, extremely physically active and always has been, but he doesn't hit and hurt people and when he was really little he was told "No" if he did. It isn't a "boy" thing it is a different thing.

If you really enjoy your friend's company you could try to see her without the kids around. I still see this old friend very occasionally now the boys are at school.

[Wolliw]

Not all boys are like this. My guys are 21 months and 3 and a half, and they don't hit anyone, not even each other. The bigger one occasionally pushes his brother, but he is learning restraint and he has never hit him or poked him in the eye.

I stopped going to breastfeeding group because another toddler was hitting my older boy when he was 2 and a half. I just couldn't take him into an environment where there was another boy who would assault him for wanting a toy he wanted.

Don't let being a boy be an excuse for violence.

[bumblebumble]

Hello

I certainly don't believe boys are necessarily more aggressive than girls - I think people accept it more. I don't want to misrepresent this - his behaviour is not malicious - he does snatch and always wants his own way and mom does not imo effectively challenge this - the pushing and getting in your face is playful - the snatching is just a pain. He hit another girl but both moms were in the kitchen when it happened so I don't know again if he just does not understand to leave other people's face alone.

I am really disappointed in mom as she has commented on older children pushing her son around a bit but cannot see similar behaviour in him.

even though I have known her for over a yr now it is not a proper friendship in that we are not close, she has never shared anything with me therefore it is not possible for us to talk about this openly and hence I will be steering clear of them for a while and hoping that things settle down.

[tryingtoleave]

It might be early to expect him to understand. My ds was not responsive to any form of discipline until he was three. Everyone told me (or thought, I'm sure) that I was too soft, but I think I was doing the same as everyone else but it wasn't working. At three, it just seemed to click for ds.