xh diagnosed with attachment disorder: implications?

[sadbutnotsurprised]

I have changed my nickname for this but I am a mner who has been here for a long time.

I am feeling rather weird (sad?) about xh's diagnosis. It explains a lot. However, I am concerned for the implications for our child who is in year 4. xh's behaviour has meant that we now have a strained relationship. Our child has been put through an emotional turmoil thanks to xh behaviour, has regular contact with Dad but it has been getting less and less.
It is all very complicated and a bit of a mess.

Has anyone experience of having a child with a partner who has attachment disorder & is it possible for child and parent to have anything close to a 'normal' relationship. In the last 6 months the parent child relationship has deteriorated and i think it is because our child is growing up and seeing daddy's behaviour as unacceptable. I want them to have a good relationship but I also want to protect our child.

[hettie]

ok, I can see this is distressing for you, and would love to give some advice but am a bit confused. Do you mind if I ask a few questions....? What do you/he mean by attachement disorder and who gave the "diagnosis"? In terms of a psychiatric diagnosis atachement disorder in adults doesn't exist. There is such a thing as reactive attachement disorder, but this a childhood condition. It may be that someone has told him he has an insecure attachement type perhaps? If this is true (and someone could only really say this if your exh had completed something called the adult attachement interview- a lenghty interview which takes time to code/interpret) then there might be some difficulties between your exh and dc......it also may be that there is more complicated picture here?

[sadbutnotsurprised]

Hettie, thanks for responding. xh has been 'diagnosed' by his psychologist/counsellor(?) The words used were 'attachment disorder'. I have a limited understanding of the childhood condition but have been googling all day and not really come up with anything relating to adults. Things came to a crisis point in the summer. Ds is finding daddies behaviour more and more unsettling

[MsDoctor]

Could his counsellor have a family meeting to explain how this affects you and your Son?

[sadbutnotsurprised]

I should add that I had spent years before the crisis in the summer dealing with xh (as dh) behaviour and struggling. Divorced him on groounds of unreasonable behaviour. Tried to remain friends but it's been impossibly difficult.

[sadbutnotsurprised]

MsDoctor, I will think about asking for that.

[chegirlwithbellson]

I strongly suspect that my DS's birth mother has an attachment disorder. DS's attachement is slightly shakey but not enought to cause serious problems.

The main problem I found with B.mum is that she seemed entirely incapable of putting DS's needs before her own. She also did not seem to be able to relate to him as anything but an extentsion of herself. A doll who should be aware of her feelings and wants.

But she also had lots of other issues that wouldve contributed to this so hard to seperate everything.

Attatchment is a huge issue within fostering and adoption so websites, books etc in those fields would be a good source of information.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this difficult and upseting situation.

[sadbutnotsurprised]

chegirlwithbellson, thanks for your comments & suggestions.

I don't think our child has attachment issues I can simply see that the inability for xh to empathise, take responsibility for actions, understand cause and effect and maintain relationships (whether intimate or friendships), whilst constantly lying & never putting the needs of our child/others first is beginning to be questioned by our child who is therefore struggling to understand what has been/is going on.

[chegirlwithbellson]

Sorry Sad , I didnt mean to imply that your DC may have attachment problems. My DS is adopted and was neglected. Attachment difficulties very common in these circumstances.

Only mentioned it as part of my experience of attachment issues.

The description of your XH is very close to how I would describe birth mother.

[AllThreeWays]

Hi Sad.
How awful for you,although one this I can say is that knowing this about this going to help you understand what is going on.

Yes attachment disorder is usually a childhood diagnosis, but of course these children grow up.

Read about attachment disorder as it will have implications for you and your son, the main indicators for the disorder are: inability to for "normal" attachments, inability to empathise with others feelings, being superficially charming, using people to fulfill what the person wants(rather than appreciating people for what they are), and doing 'whatever' to achieve their own selfish desires.

Basically this disorder creates a person who only relies on themselves to get what they need, and will do anything to get it (lie, cheat, steal) without any remorse, because other people (and other peoples rules) don't matter, and are a source of foiling what the person wants.

This is an extreme picture I know, and hopefully your XH isn't this bad, but it explains how it IS NOT YOUR FAULT when he does things.

Good luck and I hope you and your son will be able to work through this.

[sadbutnotsurprised]

Allthreeways, what you describe is my xh... when we met he was the most charming person I have ever met and quite frankly the 'using people to fulfill what the person wants(rather than appreciating people for what they are), and doing 'whatever' to achieve their own selfish desires" is who the raw, stripped away person is

[sadbutnotsurprised]

chegirlwithbellson, no worries Your experience is interesting. I have come across attachment disorder before in a child who was born into a house where parents were heroin users.

One of the things about xh is that whether it is ds (or myself in the past): out of sight appeared to be out of mind!

[AllThreeWays]

So sorry that this rings true for you. I have been lead to believe (though haven't seen it) that it is possible that therapy can help. As your XH has been seeing someone that gave the diagnosis, I assume he is getting help.

Knowledge is power, I would agree with the previous poster that you and your DS could see someone too. Kids can be very resilient especially when they understand what is happening and know it is not their fault

[chegirlwithbellson]

I have only heard of it in connection with adopted/fostered children.

Does anyone know why a child born into a functional, caring family would form attachment disorder?

Genuine interest, not for any other reason.

[chegirlwithbellson]

maryz DS was very young too. Came to us at 8 weeks, we adopted him when he was two.
He had a very chaotic two years whilst we fostered him. Loads of contact vists, handed from person to person, lots of time out of our home in transit to these contacts. So many adults involved in his life etc.

I dont think the impact of this stuff can be underestimated.

DS is not seriusly affected but definately shakey foundations IYSWIM. Needs loads of reassurance all the time 'do you love me', 'will you get me from school' . Gets very twitchy about change etc. But not the more distressing aspects (for us) of detachment etc.

[sadbutnotsurprised]

Hi everyone, thanks for posting

chegirlwithbellson, it is my understanding that infants who have a disruption of care with their primary care giver (in the first 6-18months/3years)can have attachment disorder. For instance going in and out of hospital.

maryz, I absolutely take on board not getting emotional with xh. It has taken me a long time to move on from him. He is with someone else now (having the same problems we had - hence therapy) but his commitment to our child is chaotic to the point of damaging and it is about his needs not our childs. He wants us to be friends (but doesn't get the boundaries of friendship).

Allthreeways, he has said he is stopping the therapy as he can't afford it which worries me as I fear that labelling the behaviour alone changes nothing except it gives him an excuse. (I am sorry if that sounds harsh)

[hettie]

ok, this all makes a little more sense now.... Obviously children who have had a diagnosis of RAD grow into adults and without help this can cause problems in later life. The problems can come out in many different ways, personality disorders, depression etc..... (or of course nothing at all). Your description here I don't think our child has attachment issues I can simply see that the inability for xh to empathise, take responsibility for actions, understand cause and effect and maintain relationships (whether intimate or friendships), whilst constantly lying & never putting the needs of our child/others first is what is most pertinant to you and your dc..... To put it bluntly I'm afraid it's not within your gift to change anything about your xh, but I geuss you know this and what you are asking is how can you minimise how this effects ds....You might ebenfit from spending a few sessions with a family therapist to work through some of these issues (they will encourage ds to attend) but the main things are to try and reassure your ds it's not about him. Depending on his age you may even be able to broach the subject of your exh's possible mental health issues.... daddy finds somethings dificult like x y z, becasue he's not very well. Off the top of my head I can't think of any resources/books that might help you broach this subject but the MIND helpline might be a good place to start they have all sorts of info for families of people effected by mental health problems. The other thing is to just keep doing what you are doing and being the suportive reactive parent, attentive to ds's needs. Rest assured te will ahve a very strong attachement to you and this will stand him in good stead..... Was there anything else specific that might help to know about?

[sadbutnotsurprised]

thanks hettie