I am a rubbish mother :(

[littleduck]

Sorry to come on here with this but I don't know what else to do and don't feel I can talk to anyone in 'real life' about this.

I have a 7 month DD and have recently returned to work part time. We need the money - I don't mean for luxuries but just to pay the bills and mortgage. DP is self employed and his business isn't bringing in much right now.

DD was not planned. At the beginning I wondered whether I should continue with the pregnancy but decided to go ahead, I didn't feel I could look myself in the mirror every morning if I had a termination. DP always felt that we should continue although we both recognised it would be a struggle to cope financially.

For some reason or other I rather wanted a boy. I suffered horrible bullying at school and university from girls and women and have often found men easier to get on with (despite my father leaving my mother when I was 21 and deciding not to have any further contact with me subsequently). We didn't find out the sex until the birth. When I asked DP what we had and he said 'a girl', I just said 'oh', I think. If I am honest I was disappointed. I felt very guilty about that and still do.

I found early motherhood a real struggle although DD was not really a difficult baby and breastfeeding went well. I did and always have done everything I could to take good care of her, keep her warm, clean, comfortable, fed etc. I found the sleep deprivation very hard. DD had to go into hospital at 4 weeks with some bug or other and had to stay overnight, I said I would stay with her but only really for the sake of form, I wanted to go home and get some peace as she had been screaming all day. Even when they were doing tests on her I didn't feel scared about whether she would be OK or feel upset to see a drip in her little arm, I just felt nothing. Only finally had a few tears when I went over to her hospital bed to look at her, I touched her hand or something and she managed a little smile for me.

I went to meet some friends with babies the same age when she was about a month old and they all seemed to be loving it, I said half jokingly that it seemed pretty hard sometimes and they looked at me like I had grown two heads.

Now things seem a bit better, I still haven't really felt this rush of love other people seem to have but it feels less like going through the motions and a few times I have felt such happiness at odd moments with her that I couldn't begin to describe.

However she seems to prefer other people to me. For example we went out to a local bar for lunch one Sunday with friends, one friend made a particular fuss of her and DD loved it and seemed so much happier with the friend than me. DD also really seems to like her nursery and has settled beautifully (which I am very pleased about), she almost never cries there whereas now she seems to cry and be very whingy on the days she is with me when I am not working. She wasn't like that before she started the nursery, well not that much anyway.

Yesterday she was crying and whinging for most of the morning and I am afraid I snapped and yelled at her to shut up. This of course made her cry more and she became really distressed. I apologised to her and gave her cuddles and she has been smiling at me and responding OK since but I feel hideously guilty about it. I just don't know what to do to keep her happy and feel like if she isn't happy or is whingy that it is somehow my fault and I have failed. I feel like she doesn't really love me and we haven't bonded properly and that anyone would do. I try really hard to be patient with her but yesterday it felt like I was trying so hard to be kind to her and she was throwing it back at me which I am sure she really wasn't.

I am upping my days at work probably in the New Year as the nursery can offer me extra days, it is a godsend in some ways as we really need the money but I had hoped not to get extra days for a bit longer. They rarely come up (lovely nursery and long waiting list for days) so I don't want to turn them down especially as we made a big deal about needing more days in the first place. Partly I don't want to have less time with DD but then now I kind of feel that if she is happier at nursery than with me maybe she is better off having more days there.

I just feel a bit crap and useless that I can't seem to make DD happy and she would rather be with someone else than me. I don't know what to do to make things better.

[ilovejonty]

You may have PND? Feelings of not having love or distress etc... Talk to HV or GP.

Don't feel bad, I feel for you, I felt something similar. Be gentle with yourself. Try not to be too hard on your DD for being a 'girl'. I was bullied too, but think of it this way - your DD may grow up to be just like you and me, i.e. a perfectly nice person not a bully, and if God forbid she were ever to be bullied, she will need the support of a loving mum to get her through it.

I hope you feel better soon and hope things pick up financially. Sorry I don't feel to have been v helpful.

[LilRedWG]

I really think that you need to get some support here. Have you considered that you may have post-natal depression?

Home Start are fantastic at offering support and I joined a PND group with them, which my HV referred me to.

The main thing to remember is that you are not a rubbish Mum - you obviously love your DD even if you never had that rush (tbh I hate the fact that everyone expects you to fall immediately in love with this new little person - you have to know somebody to grow to love them IMO). You are struggling and that is so common - just read the posts on here.

Keep chatting on here. There are many of us who have found it a struggle. You are not alone.

[ilovejonty]

BTW you are NOT a bad mum. You wouldn't be here asking for help if you were xx

[LilRedWG]

Also, if you feel you can, please do talk to your GP. They can help you to get support/councelling.

[littleduck]

Thx for your thoughts it means a lot. I wondered at one point if I did have PND but I did the Edinburgh test and it said no. I just don't seem to cope with bad days well, I think how I feel may have more to do with my past and the circumstances of my pregnancy with DD than anything, also I feel very sad about some lost friendships from the past at present triggered by a visit yesterday afternoon to a friend whose sister I used to be very close to but no longer speak to.

I don't like talking to GPs/HV or anyone really about how I feel, I don't like to let them know what goes on beneath the surface IYSWIM, also I don't want them to judge me or try to take DD away xx

[ilovejonty]

You sound like you are trying really hard, and are probably a very resilient person. Can you talk to DP or a friend or relative who you trust? The feelings did pass for me, it just took time and support from family and DP. There is always support available.

They won't take DD away, PND is very commonplace, asking for help would show you to be responsible. But I do understand if you can't feel able to talk about it yet. Remember to keep posting on here. The great thing is we can be honest with each other on here.

FWIW I found returning to work helpful and made me able to appreciate the time with ds more. It's hard work being a mum, even without other issues going on.

[MadameOvary]

I sympathise as I could have written a lot of your post, though I did want a girl and DD was planned.
Although she is a very happy and loving little girl (now 20 months) I struggle to feel the love and sometimes snap at her. I fucking hate that, as she is an adorable, beautiful little girl.
I have spoken of my fears to counsellors and they say that DD does not know, that I have bonded well, and that it is clear I love her and she loves me. And I absolutely do, but I had a lot of problems with her father which ruined what should have been a blissful time before and after her birth. An emotionally distant father and a Mum who died when I was a teenager has no doubt contributed.

My point is there is usually a cause - you are NOT a bad mother.

[mathanxiety]

Well, you're not a bad mum, but I think you're a mum who needs counselling about the bullying and your father leaving and not being in your life. You seem to also have a lot of sensitivity to your DD seeming not to like you or be attached to you, and to take it personally when she cries, to compare your performance as a mum negatively with her demeanour at the nursery. This makes me think you have issues arising from the bullying that might need to be addressed. Your DD is just doing what babies do, btw, crying and being needy. It's not a reflection of how she feels about you or her life.

People speak about 'bonding' as if it's some sort of magical moment like the parting of the waters, but sometimes 'bonding' is 'doing', day in and day out, what is needed, and trying your best, which is what you're doing. It's hard work even without financial pressure and feeling bad about how you compare with the other mums and the nursery. You can do something about thoughts of this nature when they crop up, though, because they can have a negative effect on the relationship.

You're also coming across as an honest person who isn't afraid to examine her feelings, so, good for you. Means you might be able to really get somewhere if you tried counselling.

[sobloodystupid]

I felt the same as you did when my dd was born a few years ago. I was disappointed she was a girl(I don't really know why) and didn't bond with her for ages. I was exhausted as she was perfectly minded washed, cared for and fed but I didn't "love" her like I do now. I think so much of it was that I didn't relax or enjoy her, I was too busy putting her in a routine or making time consuming nutritous meals when a banana and yoghurt and a bit of a cuddle would've been better for both of us.
Are you doing too much at home or work? Does DP help you with the domestic things can you tell him about work things?
I felt ashamed when I saw how other mums kissed and hugged their little ones when I really didn't feel anything for a long while. I had a huge row with dh as I was doing everything (being perfect, house clean, dinner made, ironing done) and we all felt better, took time though. I wish you all the best and trust me you are not the only person by a long shot to feel this way.

[poshsinglemum]

The woman who looked at you like you had two heads when you (quite rightly) said that it was hard- IS A DELUDED LIAR!!!!

[Tortington]

i didn't like my first son until he was over 12months old

he is now 20.

it was so hard, that when i hear that certain cry of a baby - the screaming cry, it really upsets me..still.

i don't like babies, i don't. some poeple just don't understand it. but i felt like my soul was being sucked from me - like they were leeches.

anyway - good news, i think they are all fab now.

[amandaeveille]

my eldest ds is 3 and my youngest ds is 5months and i feel closer to my older child. i feel i havent bonded as well with my second as i did my 1st and a times its a hassle just to change his nappy or burp him. But everyday is getting better and we are starting to get closer a little at a time. i agree not every mother has that natural connection to their children and it takes time to bond. good luck with everything hope it gets better for you

[IsItMeOr]

Hello littleduck just wanted to add that I found my ds very hard work from about 5-8mo as it seemed like he was always whinging about something. Then at about 81/2 months he suddenly worked out how to move himself around a bit and also became much more interactive and significantly less whingey/better company as a result.

I mentioned this to one of my antenatal class and she said she had also noticed a similar change in her dd at 8mo.

I read somewhere that it's actually a compliment if they feel safe enough with you to cry, as it's about letting you see how they really feel rather than putting on a facade. So I wouldn't read too much into her seeming happier at nursery, she could well just be on her best behaviour.

Best of luck, and hope some of the comments here help you.

[humptynumpty]

Hi
Sorry if this is not helpful, but I watched a programme on channel 4 about mother's not bonding with their babies etc... I realised it does not make them bad parents and with help they were able to come through it.
Have put link here to watch it online, if that helps
Good luck and keep going, it sounds like you're doing a great job to me!
x

[Lizzylou]

You are not a bad Mother, not at all.
It sounds like you have a lot to cope with, financially and emotionally.
I agree that counselling would be a good idea.
I also agree with Custy, some people just do not enjoy the baby stage at all, they really don't. Doesn't mean that they don't love their children.

Motherhood is hard, especially with a baby. It was the biggest shock to my system ever, I was totally unprepared for the loss of independence, sleep and the constant needs of my firstborn.

Please don't feel crap or useless, because you are not.

[MrsSnoops]

I had trouble bonding with my daughter (already had a son). Parenting my son feels as easy as breathing, but for some reason with my daughter it just feels forced. Things are better now, she has just turned 1, but I had counselling which helped and made me feel less of a monster.
It is the most exhausting place to be thinking about all your interactions with your child.I alos felt she loved others more then me and 'knew' how hard I was finding it it and that I had damaged her.
I am not sure if it is PND, I suffered from anxiety, but whatever it is it is worth talking to your GP of HV. There is help out there and you are not the only Mother to feel this. It is still so taboo though.

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

The Edingb test is v easy to cheat - esp if you don't really like to let HVs and GPs know what's going on under the surface. I think I cheated it slightly

I found the first few months v v hard too - DD (now 15mo)cried lots. When I admitted this, other mums would sometimes look at me as if there was something very 'wrong' with DD. I was so pleased when I made one friend who also has a challenging baby - she was my rock.

I always thought I would want to be a SAHM. In truth, since I have gone back to work PT we are both much happier. My DD loves he stimulation she gets there. There is not much you can do at home to stimulate a 7mo baby all day (believe me, i tried!) but at nursery they can just watch the others playing. I also love the peace I get at work.

So to me, you sound a little bit depressed but mostly normal. They get much better and easier to please as they get older

[littleduck]

Thanks so much for your replies. It has helped to know I am not alone. I seem to have come down with some weird sinus/cold thing which has probably not helped me to feel at my best.

I had some counselling before at a couple of points but to be honest I don't think it really helped, examined all the points discussed above re: bullying and father leaving and many others but it didn't make much difference to how I felt about those things. I know that I have certain issues like fear of rejection, feeling unwanted, feeling I'm not likeable, I have kind of worked that out for myself, but the counselling did not help me to deal with them or resolve them. I don't have much faith in counselling as a result.

Upset me yesterday to hear from DP that, when he collected DD from nursery, she was pleased to see him but held her arms back out for her keyworker as if she wanted to stay and continue playing. Good on one hand that she is very happy there but hurts to feel she would rather be there than with us although this is probably not really so.

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

You are reading for too much into her behaviour, she is 7mo! My DD sometimes cries when I pick her up from nursery - does that mean she really doesn't want to see me and would rather stay there?! No - it's because she's overcome with emotion and doesn't know whether she's coming or going. Same with your DD. You have to stop this now, before you become the typcial neurotic mum who is always needing reassurance from their grown up children that they love them.

If examining the past through counselling hasn't worked, then perhaps try some reading to help you move on? Dorothy Rowe helped save my life when i was depressed. Anti Depressents also work I also have a tendancy to get very down when I'm ill, wish you better.

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

For your christmas list!

Don't let the great big 'Depression' in the title put you off, it's about moving on not navel gazing.

[mathanxiety]

Agree -- don't take it personally or you will end up collapsing when the terrible twos hit. And try not to compare yourself with other mums; many are uber competitive and lie through their teeth about how they're coping. Your baby doesn't have any attachment issues, just the normal response to handovers, is bright and alert and sociable, and well cared for by everyone in her life, so you seem to be really a fab pair of parents.

[nickschick]

I think your doing your best in what is obviously a difficult time for you - working aside many mums have to work many mums choose to work and of course by leaving her in a good nursery with qualified staff she is happy and thats a sign your parenting isnt rubbish a baby thats neglected wouldnt be content at nursery.

I defy any mum good bad or indifferent not to have wanted their baby to 'shutup' i certainly have and i hope im not a rubbish mum.

I think that maybe you are just one of these mums who doesnt 'enjoy' the baby days and that sooner or later it will just all click inti place and you will think 'hey im enjoying this' - i have to be honest as a mum and a nursery nurse I dont think everyday with glee ohhhh yippppeeee another day of fun and contentment and my eldest is 16 therefore I have to say that its unlikely such a period will ever arrive .

[angel1976]

littleduck - Hugs to you! Being a parent is not easy... I was at a toddler play group on Wednesday and talking to another mum. She has two sons - 2.5 years old and 9 years old. She's a SAHM. I was working PT (4 days a week) till I had DS2 a month ago. DS1 still goes to nursery 4 days a week (dropping to 3 next week and I still don't know if I can cope with the two of them at home at the same time for an extra day!). I asked her how she finds staying at home with her boys and she says she loves it. I was genuinely . I love my boys but I so don't enjoy being at home all day long just with a baby/toddler. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys but DS1 is 21 months old and is testing us big-time and most days, we look forward to putting him to bed! DS2 just turned one month old and I've just hit a wall. Sleep deprivation means that I wonder around asking friends accusingly why they ever managed to convince me that having two children is a good idea...

DS1 loves nursery and I don't feel guilty sending him. He has developed so much since going to nursery. He is such a social little boy. If he was at home all day, I would be a screaming banshee. DS2 is such a good baby but he has throw up badly twice today and I find myself almost in tears and insane from the drudgery of cleaning up vomit again and again... I still wonder from time to time why people want to be parents when it can be at times, the most thankless job you can do! BUT there are moments of brilliance too - DS1 today said 'I found it' and I was amazed... He's been putting words together but not a full sentence and I feel choked up... About 70% of my time, I just want to scream at him for pushing me so badly everyday (throws his food on the floor, tries to hit us or his little brother, I could go on...). I'm not a baby person, neither is DH and I think we cannot wait till they are bigger and we can have proper conversations with them.

Well, I have to drag DS1 away from nursery sometimes and if the grandparents are around, forget that I exist, he doesn't care! But it's normal baby/toddler behaviour, I don't think you should be beating yourself up over it. You really are not the only one.