My five year old hates me

[Happyneverafter]

My ds seems to hate me. He has never ever told me he loves me, he will not kiss or cuddle me. He does not want to play with me when I ask him. He always chooses daddy every time over me. Yesterday he told me that he only likes to come out with me because I buy him more chocolate than daddy. He shouts at me all the time and uses aggressive tones of voices with me always.

I am not a door mat and tell him off for shouting, his tone of voice etc. I have tried ignoring him. I have tried special time. I have resorted to pleading for a cuddle (crap idea I know).

I am gutted about this, I have no idea what to do and in tears all the time when he is asleep. It has reached a point where I am so preoccupied with sorting out our relationship my other dcs get less attention which I then feel guilty about and spend time addressing.

It is hard to explain but it is the way he looks at me, speaks to me it feels as if he despises me. I am devastated and do not know what to do. I suffer from depression and I have heard that sons from depressed mothers feel it more than daughters but I am helping myself and do not allow my depression to take over. I really do try very very hard to do things right. But I am not getting it right. A for effort, F for total failure.

Has anyone else had a problem with this?

[jabberwocky]

My ds1 was not quite that extreme but very very similar when he was 3 and 4. I got quite upset about it and spoke with a friend who is a therapist. She said that some children need to be taught to be loving such as when I would say I Love You and he would just say OK or simply look at me, I would then say Can you say you love me too? Also trying to hug him and then saying Can you give Mommy a big hug?

It didn't change overnight and he is still not the most affectionate of children but things are better (he is 6). And at least he has stopped saying things like "I don't really like you Mommy"

Ds1 is being evaluated for Asperger's soon and I think this may explain at least some of his behaviors. But it still is important to try to work on them, which I still do. He just doesn't always know what to do in a relationship setting iykwim.

[Happyneverafter]

Thank you jabber. I was worried that if I kept asking him to say I love you or kept trying to cuddle him he would find it very claustrophobic and it would make him worse. What do you think? Does anyone else have experiences of this. I am utterly devastated. And I am ashamed to say it makes it hard to love him sometimes but I keep kicking myself and repeating he is only five. But really I ma at the absolute end of my tether.

[jabberwocky]

I think you should continue. Of course you probably should take care that you are not overdoing it but just do hugs and I Love you"s the same amount as with your other children. One thing I did with ds1 was to have special Mommy and ds1 Saturdays. DS2 was too small to notice but if your other children are older then you would want to do the same with them. It really brought the two of us closer. I think he will always be closer to his dad but I am comfortable with our relationship now instead of being sad and tearful. Definitely an improvement!

[domesticslattern]

Oh you poor thing, that sounds rubbish for you both.

Are you seeing anyone for your depression? Have you considered looking for a bit of profesional advice for both of you about how to improve your relationship so you are both happier? I say this because I have here a screening questionnaire used by family therapists which includes statements like:

My child rarely does things for me that make me feel good.
Sometimes I feel my child doesn't like me and doesn't want to be close to me.
When I do things for my child, I get the feeling that my efforts are not appreciated very much.
Sometimes my child does things that bother me just to be mean.
I feel that I am not very good at being a parent etc.

So you can see that your feelings are not completely unusual and that therapists are interested in the sorts of feelings you are describing, and might be able to help? Your son is still young, and if it is causing you so much unhappiness, then you might want to take that step? Maybe your GP would be a good starting place? I do feel from your post that you are trying so very hard and it might be nice to have back-up from someone else outside of your family. HTH.

[blinks]

how does your DH speak to you?

[Hassled]

He doesn't hate you. I think it's possible that without obviously being old enough to understand what he's doing, he's being a bit manipulative - sometimes any reaction is better than no reaction, and if he says stuff like the thing about the chocolate, or sounds aggressive, then he's going to get a reaction.

You need to take back the control - don't ignore the shouting etc, but be breezy and dismissive, and move on quickly. And try to have some fun with him, even if you feel like you're faking it to start with - take him swimming, or to the park, or whatever, and act like you're having the funnest time ever. Lots and lots of praise for good behaviour and "wasn't it great that time we did such and such...?".

And don't worry about the other DCs - they'll cope for now, and if this is making your depression worse then it's very important you get it sorted.

[Happyneverafter]

My dh and I have been gong through a lot of problems such as nearly going bankrupt and we have developed a pattern of speaking stroppily to each other. We are trying to change our tone but admit we have not been very successful.

[blinks]

i think that's the answer you're looking for.

fix that and you're half way there.

[Happyneverafter]

I have considered this and fully intend to continue to try and fix this. But why does he not treat his dad the same way?

[Happyneverafter]

And does anyone have any advice or experience of this problem with their dp?

[blinks]

perhaps because he's a boy, he copies his dad more.