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Why have I never felt like I am a good enough mum?

(26 Posts)
Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:01:49

As you all know I have a ds (7) and a dd (nearly 6). Since the day ds was born I would look at him and think I don't deserve you and am not good enough to be a mum. I went on to suffer pnd after he was born so it may be related to that.
I still cannot shake off the feeling that I am not good enough to be a parent. As though everyone else is doing a fantastic job and I am failing miserably
I constantly tell myself that I don't play with them enough or give them enough time. I try so hard to be a good mum and they both are top of my list of priorities so why do I feel so inadequate? Sometimes just wish I could go back and start again and do it better next time.
Sorry if this sounds self pitying but it has just helped to get it off my chest.

LGJ Mon 20-Jun-05 22:06:17

BlossomHill


We all get days like that, sometimes I get weeks of that.

I raise my voice to to DS and some invisible influence, is whispering in my ear............will he remember this, quick, quick damage limitation.

I am probably a crap mum,but hand on heart I love him to distraction and he loves me.


Give them your love and your values and you won't go far wrong.

lilaclotus Mon 20-Jun-05 22:07:10

i think as long as you know he (and your dd too of course) is happy, that's all that really matters.

emily05 Mon 20-Jun-05 22:11:42

Blossomhill, dont beat yourself up about this. I really think that in a way it is a mothers curse! It is natures way of ensuring that we put our children first iyswim.

I suffer from this as well. No matter how I try, one small thing can make me feel like a naff mother. My mum says she still feels like that and we are grown up!

I am 100% SURE that you are doing a great job. We all look around and think everybody is doing better than us, but who knows how they feel really.
You are bound to do some things wrong (you are only human) but I am sure you will do a great job. I hope that you are ok x

lemonice Mon 20-Jun-05 22:12:08

I remember well the anxiety of are they old enough to remember now and to be honest it doesn't make a jot of difference, if you are basically a loving mum and you are then that is all that matters...

singersgirl Mon 20-Jun-05 22:14:49

Blossomhill !
Of course you're a good mum. You're the best mother your children could have. You're obviously devoted, thoughtful and loving, just from your posts here.
Don't know if it helps to know that we all feel like that sometimes. I felt it all the time when DS1 was little - as if I didn't deserve his love because I was so useless. Everybody else seemed so endlessly patient, so wise, so enduring with their children....
When DS2 was born, I realised that all I could be was a 'good enough' mum, and because I was his mum, in the absence of abuse or neglect, that made me 'good enough'.
Don't know if I have any useful advice to give, but we all have good days and bad days, days when we feel we have done nothing right by our children and days when we are happy with the time we've spent together. Here's some positive feelings...

GeorginaA Mon 20-Jun-05 22:16:36

Blossom, can I point you to your food threads?! You obviously care for their wellbeing, you obviously love them - enough to (let's face it) work DAMN hard making sure they eat well and healthily. You care enough that you are worried about it. They're learning to be independent beings without having to be constantly entertained by their parents. You are doing a good job.

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:16:42

Thanks, you are all very kind I know they love me and I always tell them how much I love them.
I think I just lack confidence in my ability as a mum to be honest. Having pnd after ds really didn't help and then finding out dd had a language disorder really didn't help at all. Sorry I am going on but life throws these things at us to test us (is that the right saying?).

lou33 Mon 20-Jun-05 22:17:30

you are a great mum babe x

flobbleflobble Mon 20-Jun-05 22:18:11

Although everyone wants to be a perfect parent, even if you could be, that wouldn't be as helpful to your child as being an imperfect one who is obviously trying their best.

I think the most important thing for kids and adults is to try hard and what you actually achieve is far less important IMO

GeorginaA Mon 20-Jun-05 22:18:27

Do you think that it's a confidence thing overall? I don't just mean the parenting thing, but the PND as well might root from that? Are there ways you could build up your confidence in other ways that might help you feel better about yourself?

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:21:22

Thanks again, you are all so lovely xxx. I am really upset right now as I honestly haven't played with them enough. I feel so bad but really found it hard to get on the floor and play properly iyswim ( I am so ashamed to admit this)
We have always done drawings, puzzles, cooking, parks, ball games etc. but actually playing properly I haven't done nearly as much as I should. How awful is that?

lemonice Mon 20-Jun-05 22:22:38

BH you just keep plodding on and you know that you will never fail them..it's hard work and not always rewarding and you can go down but that is the magic formula...you are just there good and bad...if they do wrong you encourage them to do better...if you do wrong you say sorry and determine to do better...

And when I say go down I've been way down but my kids are now almost grown ups and they do not blame me for the downs...

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:22:57

Georgina - I have always lacked confidence, all of my life. So I suppose it is just the way I am. The pnd didn't help as it drained me and I just felt so tired all of the time. The first year of my son's life is a blur and I got pg with dd when he was 10 and a half months so it was hard work.

lou33 Mon 20-Jun-05 22:23:00

think we all feel like that bh, nothing will be enough tbh, but i bet your kids are happy and feel loved with just how you are

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:23:56

Thanks lou x

emily05 Mon 20-Jun-05 22:24:12

there is an over expectation on parent these days. I dont remember my mum playing with us that much. It wont effect them hun, honestly it wont. Dont worry x

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:25:45

lemonice - thanks, that's very reassuring to hear.

I find this site so annoying as I would love to reply to all of your messages personally but it is so hard keep scrolling up and down. I just want you to know I am reading all of your messages and appreciate all of your kind words xxx

Puff Mon 20-Jun-05 22:30:32

Bh, I've always thought you're a smashing Mum! It comes across in so many of your posts .

trefusis Mon 20-Jun-05 22:31:36

Message withdrawn

Blossomhill Mon 20-Jun-05 22:33:56

Thanks puff
Very true trefusis. I just feel like all of the other mum's have got it together. I am the one that unless reminded forgets that the school photographer is in or that we need to bake cakes for the school fete. I do do it but am very scatty and disorganised. That is the way I am and can't change so should just accept it?

GeorginaA Mon 20-Jun-05 22:35:47

It might be worth looking at ways to strengthen your confidence in general, not just parenting related. I'm sure others have better advice how to do that. I've always found self-hypnosis tapes very useful, but I know they're not everyone's cup of tea. Just because having low self-confidence and low self-esteem impacts so much on every aspect of your life - it can be quite crippling.

"We have always done drawings, puzzles, cooking, parks, ball games etc. but actually playing properly I haven't done nearly as much as I should." - hell that IS playing properly! That sounds great! And anyway, I'm a firm believer of kids knowing when you're faking it. You should play with your strengths and know which activities you both enjoy, not force yourself to sit on the carpet with a pile of lego when you know you loathe every second and are clock-watching throughout.

I HATE the phrase quality time, but I spent 15/20 mins with ds1 today watching Dora (he's 4) - hardly saw him much today as he was at nursery in the morning then had a mammoth nap (he didn't sleep well last night so was knackered). So that was basically all the time we got. But it was great - we had a lovely cuddle and a chat about what was going on, a conversation that carried on over dinner. Felt closer to him then than I ever did crawling around with his toy cars!

I like reading with them, I like board games.... HATE art activities so that's what nursery is for...

I think you do okay, I really do

lou33 Mon 20-Jun-05 22:39:26

just go with what is good for you bh, you dont have to follow a rule book, and you will be happier in the long run

Puff Mon 20-Jun-05 22:44:37

Bh, I think loads of us are looking over our shoulder thinking " X seems so together and organised" but often, we're only seeing the surface veneer of someone when we form those impressions.

Here's a tale for you - I missed ds1's first nativity play last Christmas because I didn't read the nursery newsletter properly .

Er...... btw, part of my last job included organising the school nativity play ( 200 children) each year - my brain has officially melted with parenthood!

lemonice Mon 20-Jun-05 22:59:18

Your children have such an amount of you in them that you will always be there ideal parent...whatever, and anything extra you put in the mix will make you a perfect parent for them..so at times minimum effort is fine and at others maximum effort is great...all the regular and less regular ups and downs are part and parcel of growing up (for you and them)...take care of yourself...xxx

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