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OK - how should I have handled?(10 Posts)
I have 2 DD's one 20 mo and one 6 mo. I have a friend who I meet last yr through the baby group and her son is 20 mo. For a while now he has been grabbing toys from my daughter, poking, he hit another girl, pushing etc I am sure all perfectly normal behaviour but quite hard for me as my DD is quite quiet with other children and people she does not know. Yesterday they were here and I was in the kitchen feeding small DD and he grabbed everything my DD had (we had been in the park and he grabbed every stick she picked up) mom did tell him but then when he grabbed she just gave my DD something else to play with whilst he then snatched again. Obviously it would have helped if I had not been in the kitchen, I did ask her to not let him do that as my DD is grabbing from baby and clearly I can't tell her not to do it if other children do it to her. I am not enjoying being with this child at the moment and DD is getting nothing out of it - she physically shys away from him - she was going through the door and he barged past her. The mother clearly didn't like me saying anything and made some reference to letting things go but it was every single thing she picked up. I don't now know what to do as I am trying to manage 2 children when we see them. He is clearly very different to my daughter and I m finding it hard to get used to.
It does sound as if this child needs taking into hand. I know the perceived wisdom is to ignore bad behaviour & reward good, but it does sound as though this one needs telling. Sorry, I can't really think what you can do - I hopesomeone will be along ina minute who can. I suppose a 'thick ear' when his mother's not looking is out of the question?
I had a very similar problem with my DD's little friend. It was hard but when he snatched things from her I said "no, we don't snatch, thank you" and gently prised the item from his grasp and gave her it back!
I was feeling pretty sick of DD being pushed around by the boy and a lack of action from the mum and tbh didn't care if she took offence and didn't bring him round any more, as I felt my DD wasn't really enjoying spending time wth him anyway.
1. I would tell him off myself an rectify the situation myself (ie take it off him and give it back to your daughter saying he'll get a shot soon or whatever)
2. You can tell your daughter off for something even if she sees other wee ones doing something. My son is often pushed etc at groups / soft play but I dont let him go around pushing other kids and he knows that.
3. If youre not getting anything out these meet ups then why bother?
4. Honestly, it probably will do your daughter some good in the long run.
5. It's not the wee boy's fault, believe me, I almost guarantee your child will go through this at some stage.
6. Maybe the mum is embarassed so if you make light of it for a while (whilst still rectifying it) maybe she will feel more confident at dealing with it too.
Sorry for bullet points, in rush . Hope this is of some help.
Thank you for the posts. I am upset at DD being pushed around and I do want to say something to him but feel mom would not like it and after I told her the other day she will like it even less. When I see them 6 mo has to be in the playpen or me holding her as I can't put her on the floor when he is around - maybe i need to try but he is such a loose canon that it is quite stressful for me.
I know it is not his fault but mom is not doing enough IMO to rectify it - it has been going on for a while and it was everything and I feel upset for DD that someone has come into her space and bullied her.
I think you have every right to say something and if the mother doesn't like it then that is her problem. You don't seem to have been friends for long so it's not going ot be the end of the world if you don't see each other again.
It is fairly typical behaviour of this kind of age though and your DD will probably do something similar at some time.
Waitingforbedtime had some great advice there.
I don't have a great social life and this friend is a regular person I see and I see her with a couple of other mothers so to not have any contact would scupper pretty much all social contact apart from a couple of play groups but getting to those is difficult at the minute with baby no2 routine. Part of me thinks so what - we will be moving in about 6 months (only been here just over a yr) and with 2 small children I don;t need the stress and don't mind being a homebody for now - DD1 has started going to nursery 2 mornings a week so she is getting some social contact.
I know how stressed it can make you feel but if the Mum doesn't like it well that's too bad, you can't let your little ones be pushed around like this. Some kids (like mine) find it hard to stand up for themselves, you need to show them how, by doing it yourself, show them that you won't stand for that type of behavior in your home. You haven't really lost anything if the Mum takes it badly and doesn't come round any more. It doesn't sound like the visits are much fun for any of you.
Fair enough for you to say something, OP.
If he was my DS I would resign myself to having to monitor him constantly -- the only way to train them out of the bullying behaviour is to watch and pre-empt it. That's just the way it goes, tedious as it is. I expect the other mother will figure that out, belatedly.
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