Does anyone ever totally lose their way with telling-offs? Can you give me a few fail-safe texts I can keep on the inside of my wrist and read out when I'm too tired and stressed to think up my own? So often I lose my way and end up talking rubbish. I gave DS1 (3.5) a typically crap talking-to today. He's being really hard work at the mo and it feels like he's constantly in trouble BUT he needs to learn and have boundaries etc etc.
So today we were in a restaurant and he won't sit down, is yelling and blowing raspberries at us and generally being unpleasant so I march him outside for a quiet one-to-one.
Imnmediately, though, I feel like 'Oh Lord, here we go again - I can see he's frustrated and tired and didn't espec want to be here,' so I started with, "Now - you know dad & I love you very much, and when we tell you off it's because we are trying to look after you, or... or because you need to understand that there are some things you can do, and some you can't...so that...y'know...people will like you..." by which time DS1 is wriggling desperately to get away from this chatty avenger and yells 'GET OFFFF MEE!'.
So (more sternly)
'Now look at me please J - you're being very rude at the moment and we don't like it. You don't like it when Mummy is rude to you, do you? [Shit - why did I say that?]...or...or when she tells you what to do [damn - double whammy - I HAVE to tell him what to do!].
DS hisses at me, goes to hit me, struggles with himself for a minute and then starts hitting himself on the head.
'Oh angel don't do that - don't hurt yourself!' [Imagination leaps to me walking in on him as a teenager, cutting his arm while moaning 'it's all because of yoooou!'. Quick! Regain control of the situation!]
'Now - we're at a nice restaurant and it's a special treat [actually it's not partic. nice and we're here because M&D are too lazy to sort out your tea], and if you can't behave in there, we'll just have to go home. Do you want to go home? [Please say no, please say no, we've only just sat down].
DS laughs mirthlessly and makes a break for it. I walk calmly behind until he quickly puts a hundred yards between us and it becomes apparent he's not stopping. There's a road nearby. I give chase and catch up. I make a couple of grabs for him. Passersby see a woman chasing a small, frightened boy at full pelt and stop in case they should intervene. I finally catch him and have to pick him up, bucking and screaming. I'm doing a lot for his sense of frustration and lack of autonomy.
'Right. now you're going to stand here until you can learn to... do what you... to behave.'
Two more bolts for freedom and then he stands there, looking bullied, while I sit at a nearby table studying the menu with intense interest. Passersby again watch the tableau with curiosity. 30 seconds or so pass - it's freezing. I go over and bend down to him.
'Now - are you ready to say you're sorry?' (neither of us can remember what for, exactly). 'Hmm? Ready to make friends and come back inside and be good?'
No answer
'Come and give me a cuddle then'
'I don't want to' (draws back, cowering)
'No? Can I give you a kiss then?' I bob forward and he ducks. I lose my balance.
'Come on - let me kiss you. On your hand?' I beg, clutching desperately while he recoils from me.
'OK, then, you don't have to - and if you're good, perhaps we can have some icecream for pudding,' and, relieved, he shoots ahead of me back to treats again.
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Talking-to's - tell me your best ones!
11 replies
twoflakesanight · 08/11/2009 23:06
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