really have had enough, can't do this for much longer

[pickabilly]

I just need a rant

Am on my own with 3 dcs (5.8, 2.8, 10 months) as dh is military and posted overseas atm. I am effectively a single parent and am finding it increasingly monotonous, frustrating, dull, furious...you get the idea.

I dread the weekends because I know it'll just be me and the dc's all the time. At least during the week ds1 is at school and dd at nursery in the afternoons. But I'm never, ever just my myself. Always have ds2 with me - although he is the easiest, I suppose.

This morning has been horrible - I get up trying to be cheerful and positive and really make an effort, I make them all pancakes, let them watch cartoons...then when I turn around the house is a complete tip (again) - I'm constantly cleaning, tidying, doing fucking laundry, wiping noses and arses...then telling them to help tidy up and being ignored, having ds2 clinging onto my legs, listening to moaning, crying, tantrums, fighting, screaming....

I feel like running away. The last hour has had me trying to hide in my bedroom, crying my eyes out, but they found me and all stood around me, on top of me, crying too and it was all a big awful mess. Im being a terrible mother and I can't see any way forward.

I'm sick of the rain, I can't take them out to play, and I'm not tacking a soft play on my own with them

I live near my parents and il's but they have their own lives and things to do, I can't ask for any more help than I already do. I honestly wish I could just pack a bag and go to a hotel for a few nights just to be on my own, to sleep, to read, to go to the loo without an audience. I'm fed up. Totally, utterly exhausted and fed up.

Is it too early for wine?

[pickabilly]

oh Riven, we're too nervous for dh to leave the military and try to find another job the way things are atm. If he sticks it out he'll be in for a great pension in a few years and as of February he'll be home every weekend. Although then he's being depolyed for 6 months come April.

My family are pretty great, esp mil, but I don't really let on how hard I'm finding this. I don't want to look incapable, as pathetic as that sounds.

[posieparker]

Have you got PMT? [whispering emoticon]

With such small children you need to tire them out.... a big walk first thing Saturday morning and Sunday. Only one of your dcs is really old enough to tidy and perhaps start the one out at a time policy. No toys in certain rooms in the house, perhaps keep the lounge for TV only, no food, no toys and then at any time it's tidy for you to have a cup of tea.

Oh and get them out in the rain, followed by a nice hot bath.

Do bedtime at 6.30 and have evenings off.

And having very small children is bloody hard with two let alone on your own, give yourself a break.

Why don't you post on a local MN site and see if there is anyone near you? Then at least you can get out.

[posieparker]

Tell your family, tell them all, soon.

[posieparker]

And thanks to your husband for helping keep us all safe.

[luciemule]

Hi Pickabilly,
I'm assuming your DH is probably army as it's a 6mth tour. Have you spoken to the welfare officer/SSFA because they might be able to really help out. Other than them, could perhaps ask for some support from Homestart a few hours a week just so that you get some 'you alone' time. It's very hard - my DH is in the army and has been away for 3 & 6 month deployments since DD was born nearly 8 yrs ago. The last tour was only 9 months after one before and I really don't know how I coped with 2 DCs so three emust be even harder.
I used to set myself targets and also something each weekend morning to do with kids. In the afternoons, they had to play or we'd go for walks - sometimes just to the NAAFI but at least it got us out the house.
Would your parents help more if they knoew how hard you were finding it. Even if you aren't that close a family, if it means they have the kids for you for a few hours, it doesn't really matter.
If you're on a patch, could you ask another wife over with her kids so you two can chat and the kids can just play. Having regular kids tea times is also nice - just sausages and mash but it will be company for you.
Also - give yourself treats at home - nice relaxing baths/ movies/chocolate and wine. Hope this helps.

[pickabilly]

the house is so small that it's messy in an instant

we're not on a patch lucie, and dh is RAF. I do have friends here but they've got their dh's home and their own stuff to do at weekends. I'm just feeling a bit abandoned and sorry for myself really.

The dc's are in a pretty good routine and i usually have them all in bed by 7pm ish (ds2 doesn't sleep through the night yet though)

I'm just knackered, we've all got a cold, don't mean to sound miserable and ungrateful becuase I love them all really - I'm just finding it all too much just now.

Thanks for listening and thanks for your kind words.

[luciemule]

Sorry - me again.....is there a good children's centre nearby? They have some really good things on for mums and babies - I know that doesn't give you time alone but they may be able to suggest some interesting things to do with your DS2 and DD.
What county are you posted in?

[luciemule]

I wonder if you're posted near me - in DH is in the RAF then.
At least it's kid's mess and not dirty mess. I alwyas worried about the kids trashing my nice tidy house but my mum just said - it's only toys and they can all be chucked in a box hidden out the way.
Do the older two respond to being to help you clear up? Perhaps if they think they're mummy's little helpers whilst daddy's away, they might not make quite as much mess without clearing up?

[pickabilly]

we're in scotland lucie, in our own house. where are you?

it's amazingly not raining so I'm herding them all to the park. hopefully ds2 will have a nap and maybe I can flick through my magazine while the other 2 burn off some energy...

the house isn't dirty, you're right, i jst seem to be constantly crouching down picking up bits of crap over and over....

right, i'm off out, thanks again.

[Mandy1966]

Oh bless you do sound a little down..
Someone mentioned PMT, but could it be possible you have a touch of PND?

I know you feel, you cant be at your mum and dads the whole time, but what about your in laws, are they around? if so could you go see them every now an then?

Do you have any friends in the same situation on the base? where you could take it in turn to have each others kids for an hour or so, giving you much needed time to yourself?

Somebody mentioned Childrens Centers, what about a Mother and Toddler group. I know they can be a bit clicky (xcuse wrong spelling) but I made some good friends at ours.

Take them out in the rain, yeah you get wet, but breath of fresh air helps to sometime Ive found

Hope your ok

[Mandy1966]

Oh bless you do sound a little down..
Someone mentioned PMT, but could it be possible you have a touch of PND?

I know you feel, you cant be at your mum and dads the whole time, but what about your in laws, are they around? if so could you go see them every now an then?

Do you have any friends in the same situation on the base? where you could take it in turn to have each others kids for an hour or so, giving you much needed time to yourself?

Somebody mentioned Childrens Centers, what about a Mother and Toddler group. I know they can be a bit clicky (xcuse wrong spelling) but I made some good friends at ours.

Take them out in the rain, yeah you get wet, but breath of fresh air helps to sometime Ive found

Hope your ok

[luciemule]

Ooh - like the 'toy box in every room' thing.
I did wonder about the pnd thing Pickabilly. Your dd is still only 10 months old and it can still come on within the first year. That said, it might just be a build up of everything.
As I wrote, I did think you might be in Scotland - I'm in Cambs near Wittering and thought you might be there. Oh well - at least you have stunning countryside around you - lots of fresh air to tire out the kids and if they go to bed at 7, then you have your evenings to chill and do your own thing.
Hope you feel better soon. I know it's hard but it'll get easier as dd becomes more mobile and starts to interact more with DSs.

[luciemule]

I was always ok in the evenings - tv/ironing/films/book club etc but yes the w/es are endlessly long if you haven't anything organised. If you're on a patch it's slightly easier though as you're all in the same boat and you can pop over and have tea parties with the kids etc but when you're in your own house, everything seems a lot more stressful and you feel a bit more vulnerable and alone I think.

[SaucyMoo]

i really feel for you, i go mad with just 2 children aged 3 and 1. My husband works very late hours but i do have the weekend with him but i completely can empathise, youre not alone! i think all the posters have given good advise..all my friends locally are through antenatal and mother n toddler groups. we meet up with the children but the children are busy playing so at least you can have some adult conversation..good luck and dont give up..im sure it will get easier.

[pickabilly]

thanks again for all your messages, it has just been getting a bit much lately.

to top it off dh called from NY where he's off to see Springsteen at Madison Square Gardens toninght, how nice for him. Tough life, hey? Instead of feeling happy for him it just pisses me off that he's able to go off and do these things whenever he pleases while I'm stuck here having the week form hell. So when he realised that I was unwell and obviously a bit down, he made me put ds1 on for a chat then told him to tell me he'd call back later...

dick.

Anyway, the dc's are all in bed. We went to the park for a while and it was ok, i've just had a crap day. It's so hard deling with them when you're full of the cold. and they've all got the cold too so are whigy and moany and sooooooo irritating....

I don't have PND, and I've not even got PMT, I just feel like shit. I really appreciate being able to vent and let off steam on here, MN is truly a lifeline sometimes. You're all amazing.


I've got a big glass of medicinal red wine, crappy Saturday Night telly and a healthy supply pizza and chocolate. Hopefully tomorrow MIL will be able to take them for a few hours to give me a break. And let me consider how best to deal with dh's cruddy attitude.

[luciemule]

Hi Pickabilly - you already sound more positive.
It's hard not to feel resentful and sometimes (well a lot of the time) the DHs just don't get it. They have some fab opportunities through the forces and often don't realise that as wives, we don't; we just have to put up with a lot of crap!

Oh well - you do sound a bit brighter, even after your DH ringing from NY.
Hope you have a relaxing time tomorrow if your mil has the kids.

[girlylala0807]

Hey,

Where in Scotland are you? If its not far could I help in some way maybe?

[AnnieLobeseder]

I know how you feel, that was me not so long ago, except that DH was around to help so I can't imagine how much worse it was for you.

Dare I suggest a job? Even if you only earn enough to cover childcare, it's time away from the chaos? I've just gone back to work and it's made such a huge difference. I get time to myself, and the house doesn't get nearly so messy when we're all out all day!

Good luck, SAHMing sucks sometimes!

[katnkittens]

Oh my goodness, I remember that feeling so well... the phrase
'this too will pass'
is so true. It honestly gets easier and this period of time will be a blur in a few years time.

I remember just crying my eyes out once because I couldn't even have a wee in peace and I JUST WANTED A WEE.

I am pregnant with my 4th but but my youngest is 6 and the oldest is 13. I find once the older ones get more of a social life yours gets better too.

I agree with the job thing actually. I started working part time when dc2 was 11 months and it was lovely to have a few hours away from children.
Childcare can be awkward though...