My mother in law slapped me! (sorry might be a bit long)

[Bella365]

Hello, I've never posted on anything like this before but I really didn't know what else to do as I can't talk to anyone about it and I feel like I am literally going to scream and I don't know what to do!!

First of all I'm 27 and have a dp and two DD's who are 2 and 4.

We went to the in-laws for half term, we don't drive and she lives in the south, we're in Yorkshire. We got on two trains (taxi to the first train station) to get to hers, with bags, kids, pram, car seat and booster seat. It cost us £110 in train fare.

She was a nightmare from the start, but I knew she was going to be anyway. She is always right, she slags off everyone behind their back, slags off her own son to his face about his weight, very intimidating and loud, puts on a posh accent in front of people she wants to impress, is embarrassed by her own grandchildren if they're not in the appropriate 'attire', when she is drunk she insults everyone and thinks its funny, VERY judgemental. But i put up with all this with her being dp's mum, and my kids grandma.

Her husband isnt dp's dad.

Last year she insisted we go on holiday with her down south (she still lived up north then, her sister and her fam live down there). She paid. The whole hol she would be shouting at my eldest for crying telling her to shut up and even when I told her, the next day she did it again.

Anyway, this year she was acting like she was their mother! Telling them what to do,answering to them when they said 'mummy'. I didn't want a confrontation with her so I would just say 'No darling, it's ok you can [do whatever] because I'm your mummy and I say it's ok'. Which I think pissed her off!

Saturday night she had a Halloween party, and there was one other parent coming. The party started about 5pm and my two DD's and this other little girl who was about 3, were playing outside. All the adults (the majority of who didn't turn up till 8pm) were in the kitchen which directly opened onto the garden, which was TOTALLY enclosed and safe. This other parent stayed outside with her child the whole time not once coming in to speak to the other adults, so I would go out every so often to make sure the kids were ok, I could see them from where I was stood, there was two big kitchen windows and the door was open. Between 5pm and them going to bed at 9pm (they must have been outside for a total of an hour rest of time they were with me) I must have had one glass of wine so I definitely wasn't drunk.

By about 11pm almost everyone had gone, her sister and niece had left because they were fed up of her 'jokes' which were mainly about her 'fat' son and 'ginger' nephew. She also told her neice she thought it was disgusting she was trying for a baby, even tho she's 22, her partners 37 and it's got nothing to do with her! So there was me and dp, mil and fil, and mil's 20yr old nephew left. I couldnt find dp so I went upstairs to call him and overheard mil saying that this 3yr olds mum slagged me off for not coming out to check on my kids..So I went downstairs to ask mil what all that was about cos it was clearly b**cks and she turned on me saying I was unfit mother, I didn't deserve my children, i was a disgrace etc. I cannot for the life of me remember what I said back, I think I just saw red!! But her husband grabbed me (I have a huge bruise on right arm) and tried to force me back up the stairs.

By this time, dp came in so I told him what happened, I was crying, I just wanted to go home. I had called my dad (childish I know! But when I thought dp had dissappeard I didnt know what to do!), and was on the phone to him when she came up to me and smacked my phone out of my hand then slapped me across the face. Really hard I might add!! She's a big woman. Her husband and dp dragged her away and I looked for my phone but couldnt find it.

Dp ended up in a scuffle with his step dad(he really is not a violent person) and he ended up cutting fil's ear. Then we left and went to dp's aunties.

Now we are home and I have realised I have also left my digital camera there. We have been texting/calling her since sunday asking, then telling her to send it, and the phone, which must be somewhere in her living room. The camera has 300 photos on the memory card which have not been developed and my phone also has pictures on. But she wont answer!!!

Also, I just get the feeling that dp thinks its my fault. He wasnt there when she said those things and I know when it all dies down he wil act as tho its nothing. Something similar happened 18mth ago (is it me??? haha) with his best friend, he was violent with me so we cut contact and i think dp resents me for it. There are also issues within our relationship and this has just made it worse. Not that he notices. And I just think if we did ever break up he would move down there and my kids would be down there with her all the time which Im not comfortable with because she's clearly disturbed!!

I feel now like I never want her to see the kids ever again but AIBU? My DD's don't even like her as she is controlling and manipulative and they can't have fun with her. But I don't want them growing up saying I never let them see their grandparents just because she slapped me one time. Whenever she has had my kids on her own she has drank. I honestly think she has problems cos the reason she did it had nothing to do with the kids being outside (the mother of the child never said what mil said she had said), it was because she was jealous that she wasnt the centre of attention. And no one was laughing at her insulting jokes.

(Just to add, that she even thinks Katie Piper deserved to have acid thrown in her face because she went back to her boyfriend after he raped and beat her up!!!!)

I still don't know if I'm going to post this! Because writing it all down really does not sound as bad as it actually was..and you need to know my mil to know what she's really like, so I will probably get told to get over it!! But I really dont want her around my kids anymore and I just know I'm gonna fall out with dp over it, I can see it all coming but when I try to talk to him I can't get the words out properly. When she has been unreasonable before and they havent spoken for weeks and then they will just call eachother and act as tho nothings happened and I think thats what will happen now, and that's why she's not sending my things. Because she knows it keeps us (him) in contact with her. But I'm sooo angry I just want my stuff!!

Sorry I know it was long and boring but my rant is done now (I can't exactly write it all on facebook!). It's like she'll send my stuff when she's calmed down but shouldnt it be me thats 'calming down'? I feel like Im being a mug and I should be sending her nasty messages threatening her with police action etc..but I'm not like that I really dont think I need to do that, or that I even could.

Anyway, guess theres not much I could do I just wanted to get it all off my chest

[Horsiemummy]

Hey hun,

no advice im afraid but i didnt want this to go unanswered. keep your chin up and do what you feelis best for you and your family.

thinking of you.xxx

[PartOfTheHumphreysGroup]

how often do you have to see her? She was obviously out of order, but if the options are you either have to go back or let dp and your dc go on their own then I would probably want to be their too. Could you insist she comes to you next time? if that's any better.

That said if it was me I would expect my dh to back me up and not want to see her either, but it doesn't sound like that is likely here and you can't really make your husband cut off his own mother.

She sounds hideous though, is she old? how long would you say she has left?!

I hope you get your phone and camera back soon, that would make me really
She clearly know she has the power over you by having them and you having to beg.

[PartOfTheHumphreysGroup]

I mean 'there too'!

[Julezboo]

Oh god, sounds horrific. Send DP for your things if he's unlikely to get into another scuffle.

She sounds horrid.

Don't have no other advice just didnt want to read and run x

[Lulumama]

i would have nothing more to do with them and be considering police involvement, you cannot, cannot slap people and brusie them and think it's ok because they are related to you

they clearly add nothing to your life and this would be a perfect time to cut them out of your lives and tell everyone why

[hettie]

do you think maybe a few sessions with relate might help you and dh untangle some of this (and whatever the other issues are that you mentioned). If anyone (MIL or toherwise) did this to me my dh would go banannas and totaly back me up..... She was terribly out of order, and your dh must this as not your problem to deal with.....

[HerBoomWhizzBangitude]

If anyone did this to me, related or not, I would not be on the phone to my Dad, I would be on the phone to the police and I would press charges for assault. You are not being unreasonable, you are not making a big deal out of this, this woman is obviously an abusive nightmare. I personally would report the assault to the police, though the difficulty with that is the fact that your DP got involved with a scuffle with your PIL, who might counter-claim an assault by your DP.

There are lots of things going on here, but the main thing I feel, is the relationship with your DP. This violent, undermining, bitchy, unpleasant behaviour is NOT OK from your MIL, and if your DP doesn't understand that, then he isn't functioning properly as your partner. I think you need to sit down with your DP and explain exactly why this behaviour from his mother is unacceptable; and also tell him that you don't want your children to perceive it as normal, as it's not. I agree with the last poster that a few sessions at Relate might help you both untangle some of the problems that are obviously in your relationship.

Don't "get over it" there's no reason why you should. I personally would write off the camera and phone, cancel the contract, and have nothing more to do with this bitch. You don't need her in your life and if your DP wants her there, he can go and see her on her own. You're not cutting contact with your kids' grandmother because she slapped you (though Darling, that would be a good enough reason, you have the right not to be slapped) you're cutting contact with her because she is not a fit person to have contact with anybody civilised, especially not your children.

[ilovemuffins]

Poor you! I agree with Lulumama and hettie. If it was just verbal and 'only' directed at you (i.e. not at DCs), I'd probably just let DH and DCs travel to her themselves. But physical violence is totally unacceptable. You would be absolutely justified in reporting this incident to the police. Sad as it is, sounds like your DCs would be better off not seeing her at all unless she changes her behaviour drastically.

Oh, and as Hettie said - I would try Relate or some other councelling service with DH, unless you can talk to him directly when you have a quiet, peaceful moment together.

I hope all works out for you and your family.

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

agree with with lulumama and herboom, I cannot get over that she slapped you!!

[TheCrackFox]

Poor you she does sound like a nightmare. Your partner has been conditioned to see her as normal (she isn't) so it must be hard fro hi to try and adjust to the new reality.

I would have nothing more to do with her. Let your partner visit without you. Perhaps your DH could take your DC's with him, but only if you think that they won't be in danger?

[flimflammum]

So your DP witnessed his mother smacking you hard across the face, and had to drag her off you, and you think he thinks it's your fault?

I would tell your DP how upset you are by this, and that it's not OK for anyone, not his mother or anyone else, to physically attack you, no matter what argument was going on. If he supports you, fine, try not to get embroiled in his messy relationship with his mother. If he doesn't support you, then he doesn't deserve to be with you.

And keep your distance from this awful woman, she is not a good influence on your DCs.

[bossykate]

agree with everyone else and wouldn't let the kids go there at all.

[Bucharest]

Ok, rights or wrongs of the situation aside (frankly I'm always a bit when I hear about people being on the lam when small children are present) this is the fact of the matter:
you do not have to have anything to do with your partner's family. Ever, if you choose. You are with him, you chose him, not his family. It's up to you to decide, but if I were you, I'd make it clear I was having nothing more to do with them.
In all honesty, they sound like ignorant pissheads.
How old is she? (just trying to imagine my own mother, or even dp's (who I hate more than hate itself) behaving like this.

[somewhathorrified]

Quite simply don't have anything else to do with her. If your DP wants to that's his business, don't do the "me or your mother" thing, it never comes good. Regarding your stuff, you may have to accept it as a loss unless you can ask someone who does see her (SiL?) to grab them next time they're there.

[Bucharest]

Another thought- and sorry if this is too personal...is slapping someone OK for him? Is it normal?
If so, then you might be better off getting rid of the whole lot of them, him included.

[Bella365]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I just needed to know that I wasn't being unreasonable by cutting her contact with the kids. I couldn't talk to anyone about it who wasn't biased really.

LOL at PartOfTheHumphreysGroup, she's only 49 unfortunately!

Lulumama you're right she offers nothing to our lives, she is not a good grandmother anyway, she is not loving towards my Dc's, she even said a baby on the tv once was cuter than my dd1, her own first and only grandchild!

As for dp not going mad about it all, well that is why I was feeling like he resented me. I have spoke to him tonight, He came home with flowers and chocolate and when I asked him why he said because I was feeling a bit low, so I spoke to him properly and he said he was mad, really really mad at her, and apparently while I was looking for my phone after she had smacked itout of my hand, he was shouting and going mad at her for hitting his girlfriend. Which I didn't know till now. He doesn't open up ever, at all so I know he must be feeling worse than he is probably letting on.

No, Bucharest he doesn't think slapping someone is ok, he is not a violent person at all. The exact opposite. Also, it wasn't a huge party we weren't all getting hammered lol, I certainly wasn't drunk and I don't even think Mil was THAT drunk. I think she was just angry cos her 'wonderful, look at me' party had turned into 'her dil, neice and sil having fun together, her making horrid jokes no one laughed at, the young lads there not paying her attention' and she was just jealous I think.

The time will come when I will have to speak to her and tell her that she is not seeing my kids again and why she isn't seeing them, and i'm going to be so much more confident knowing I'm not being unreasonable. Thank you for your replies and saving me when I thought I was going mad thinking about it too much haha, think I am also hormonal as I'm due on, which doesn't help!

[SolidGoldBangers]

I don't think you need to actually say to her that she's not going to see your DC again (though I quite understand you wanting to keep your distance from this madwoman) - just don't call, don't email, if she invites you over, say you can't make it, sorry. If you have any kind of confrontation scene where you tell her what you think of her, she's not going to suddenly fall on her knees weeping with shame - she's more likely to punch you again for one thing - and basically, just withdrawing is far more annoying to mad drama llamas like her, if you start some kind of showdown then she will revel in the excitement of it and turn it ito a three ring circus.

[theworldsgoneDMmad]

SGB is spot on. Sounds horrendous

[Northernlurker]

Yes I would just not contact her. You are never going to get a good result from speaking to her - she is plainly beyond that and you cannot put yourself at risk or risk your children being frightened or harmed. I get the impression your dp will be happier away from them anyway - what must it have been like growing up with that kind of person

[Bella365]

Well I would actually prefer to do that! But I thought I would be taking the cowards way out if I did that. But you're right and I think that dp would prefer to do that to be honest. He certainly won't want to talk to her.

She turned dp away and kicked him out of the house when she found out he was taking drugs, he was 17 and she would walk past him on the street as tho he was invisible. She would proudly tell everyone this as tho she was being the best mum in the world. He carried on taking drugs and getting wrecked every weekend (even tho she did start talking to him again) so her 'parenting' clearly didnt work, and he only stopped when he met me.

He doesnt really talk about his childhood but I know his dad leaving and not wanting anything to do with him affected him badly, yet she will go on and on about his dad in front of him and dp will be getting visibly upset and downing his beer and she wont even notice.

Northernlurker you're absolutely spot on tho I do think eventually he will be happier, cos all she ever does is critisise him over everything, from where we were thinking of getting married, to what we were thinking of calling our children ("if you call that child Nathan, I won't be calling it that, i'll make up my own name!! It sounds like something off a council estate!!" - I'm off a council estate!!).

Oh I really could be here forever if I listed all the things she had done! Nothing as bad as this tho! Thank u again for your replies, I honestly thought I was over reacting by not wanting my kids to have contact with her again. I'm hoping her sister who lives near her, will get my camera and phone for me and then, take your advice and just not contact her at all.

xx

[Bucharest]

Glad you're feeling better, and glad dp has opened up a bit about the situation.

Hopefully, the physical distance between you and the MIL will also help and you won't have to force the not-seeing-her issue too much.

Bit ironical her dissing a council estate when she sounds like she's at home in the gutter......

[Jojay]

I agree with SGB - a dignified withdrawal is definitely the way forward. No conversation, no confrontation.

So sorry you're going through this - stay strong.

[Bella365]

Oh the irony wasn't lost on me when she came out with that gem!!

And yes, I'm soooo glad dp opened up. I feel so bad for him because she was his only parent and he was close to her in a way.

But he said "It's you and me against the world now" and hopefully that's enough for him. He can be a proper parent without being critised and treated like a child himself!

(Unfortunately he'll have to start buying his own clothes now though )

[Mybox]

Would never have any contact with her again - plus would report the violence to the police.

[HerBoomWhizzBangitude]

Bella it's brilliant that your DP has realised he doesn't need this woman in his life.

Sounds like she's done him enough damage.