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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

DS being shunned by friends who have girls

40 replies

ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:11

There is a group of us with the majority having girls and its been quite apparent for the last few months that there have been lots of get to gethers for "girls only". They go to gymnastics, horse riding etc...

The boys of the group are not being included.

I find this not only sad but very hurtful.

Do Mum's with girls who dont want "boys spoiling the fun" realise this?

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cornsilkwearscorsets · 02/11/2009 22:14

Why can't your boys do those things as well? My ds went horse riding.

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:17

exactly ... it seems to be a girls only gang now. Some of the boys say "pooey" and its frowned upon perhaps they dont want their girls mixing with the likes.

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MadameDuBain · 02/11/2009 22:18

Oh yes this can happen. In some ways I do get why - my DS is not even as boisterous and noisy as some, but he is clumsy and excitable and he does like to rough and tumble with friends, and some girls (and/or their mums) get upset by it. I know that they do "girly" things together - I'm not really hurt or upset, maybe partly because DS is often happy to do things with just me (museum, zoo, shops etc). But I have noticed! I would try not to take it personally though.

Of course your DS can do riding, ballet etc and I've thought about whether I should try DS with some of these things but I have to admit, at the moment, he really wouldn't be into it.

For now, can you organise some days out with the mums of boys? I know it's not a solution to the segregation, but your DS might enjoy it.

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cornsilkwearscorsets · 02/11/2009 22:19

They sound very precious.

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MadameDuBain · 02/11/2009 22:21

at anyone having a problem with "pooey". I say that FFS! (and worse...)

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:22

it's all done in secret but someone always blurts it out. Im perhaps over reacting but just find it all very petty - surely girls needs boys as friends aswell???

My Ds loves playing with the girls

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paddingtonbear1 · 02/11/2009 22:23

how old are your dcs?
My small group of friends mainly have boys - in fact mine is the only girl! Our dcs are 4,5,6 and 9. We never leave each others dcs out, any activities include everyone. It might be a problem when they get older though if the boys want to do eg laserquest and dd isn't interested (not saying she won't be). In that case the guys could do that and my female friends and I could take dd shopping! Then we'd have a meal together after. Just an example really.

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wannaBe · 02/11/2009 22:26

how old is your ds?

Tbh I think you're being a bit over sensitive. It's natural for girls to get together and boys to get together - by the time they reach about seven they tend to do so naturally anyway without parental intervention. Why not arrange something for the boys in the group rather than getting upset at the girls doing things.

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:28

they are all between 5 and 6

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:32

ok I accept that they naturally want to do different things but I think its more the fact the mothers have done things on the secret and its come out by accident

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piscesmoon · 02/11/2009 22:34

When they are under 5 the mums can have their own way and the DCs fit in. Once they get to 5 or 6yrs (and most definitely by 7yrs)they start to want to pick their own friends. I think that you have just got to the natural parting of the ways. See the mums on your own.

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wannaBe · 02/11/2009 22:35

how do you know they've done it in secret?

If I were arranging to go out with friends/their children I wouldn't necessarily think to mention it to anyone else unless they asked.

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:36

we usally do Easter Egg Hunts, Half Term activites, Halloween, Christmas parties but they have done them with girls only over the last few months

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:37

Some slips it out in the playground such as "It was great this mornign wasnt it" or "The party was fun XX really enjoyed herslef" then there is an akward silence when they realise they had done it on the sly - thats the immpression I get

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ilovegarlic · 02/11/2009 22:38

sorry spelling terrible tonight!

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piscesmoon · 02/11/2009 22:42

I am surprised that anyone keeps these groups going at that age-I have found with all 3 DCs that they come to a natural end. My DSs just refused-they had different friends of their own. They kept some from the group but not all-just the ones they liked. If you are trying to hold back the natural progression, I think it is bound to fail.

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wannaBe · 02/11/2009 22:43

I think you're reading too much into it tbh.

At this age girls start to want to play with boys less ime (and it does seem to be the girls that separate out first) so it's possible that you've just got to the stage where they're separating out into girls/boys and are playing with their own gender.

It can be hard if you have a boy who likes to play with girls and suddenly finds himself excluded (and I speak as the parent of a boy), but it's just natural I'm afraid. Try to encourage more activities with other boys instead of getting upset about something which is really just a natural progression.

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wannaBe · 02/11/2009 22:45

and yes I agree that kids choose their own friends at this age and the parental groups are less important to them than they are to the parents.

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morningpaper · 02/11/2009 22:48

Speaking as a mum-to-girls, I don't do planned activities but I think when it has got to around 5 and 6 then it becomes a bit of a nightmare to have boys around as well as girls - frankly, they ARE more boisterous and if you have 6 girls over to play it's fine, but if you have 6 girls playing horsies and 3 bored boys wandering around the house then it's a bloody nightmare for everyone.

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piscesmoon · 02/11/2009 22:48

Don't take it personally-it really isn't. At the age of 5yrs my DSs didn't want to play with the really girly, girls-they and their mothers were perfectly nice, but the DCs had nothing in common. You can't dictate friendships-mine went on to have close friendships where I didn't know the parents and probably had little in common-it is life.

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ToffeeCrumble · 02/11/2009 23:51

I'm finding the same (but am a mum of girls.) My dd (5) is quite easy going and has female friends at school, but is happy to play with boys too outside school. She is quite good friends with a boy in her class and they have tea with each other. One of my friends who i have known since ante natal class has a son of the same age. We used to see each other every week, but i've had them over twice but no return invite since early Summer. Apparently the boy doesn't want to play with my dd any more as she's a girl. I guess if i want to continue the friendship i just have to see the mum without kids in the evenings. It's a bit sad as i remember him as a newborn and lying on the babygym next to my dd. They've grown up together!

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cory · 03/11/2009 07:31

I agree with Pisces. Wasn't worried by boisterous boys at all when dd was little, but by the time she got to 6 or 7 I felt it was no longer my job to manage her guest list so to speak: the baby groups came to an end when they started choosing their own friends.

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OrmIrian · 03/11/2009 07:43

Oh I sypmathise as you are hurt, but I don't think you should take it personally. IME 6 is about the age friendship groups start to divide along gender lines anyway. My children always has friends of both sexes but only had 'good' friends of the same sex as them. Reception and Yr1 they invited both to their parties, Yr 2 they started to only invite one flavour.

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ABetaDad · 03/11/2009 08:25

This has happened to both DS1 and DS2 age 9 and 7 happens with party invites as well as playing in the playground.

Both are very happy playng with girls and a little bit hurt that some girls now suddenly do not want to play.

DS1 has analysed the situation for himself and categorises the types. The girls who are stand offish tend to be the 'pink princess types' and it is the sporty 'tomboy types' who like to play with boys - according to him.

Having said that there are a few mothers wh are very much against their girls playing with boys and really quite open and vocal about it.

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Fennel · 03/11/2009 10:01

It happens the other way, I have 3 girls, all of them play well with boys (they are quite boisterous and like a lot of the same games boys like) but they aren't always invited to boys' parties, or activities the other parents see as for boys.

I do think the parents often encourage the division, given that lots of boys do play well with my girls but the parents will often say that their son only wants to play with boys.

But anyway it's not just mothers of girls not wanting the "rough" boys, it goes both ways. Parents of boys wonder, say, if my dd might be too delicate for a rock climbing party or worry about getting muddy at an outdoor party .