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When did you bond with your baby?

(12 Posts)
boundarybabe Thu 29-Oct-09 09:33:23

I was thinking about this today after reading dizzy's thread. DS was an em cs and when he was first born I felt very 'detached' - I physically couldn't hold him as I was flat on the operating table and shaking like a leaf, but I didn't want to hold him - it was like I needed time for it to sink in. It wasn't until I had my debrief last month that I realised it may have affected our bonding (I surprised myself by nearly bursting into tears when the midwife asked me about it). Dh on the other hand was absolutely smitten straight away, and I have a lovely photo of them when DS was minutes old, with DH's face so full of emotion.

Fast forward 8 months and I'm still not sure that we've bonded as such - don't get me wrong, I love him, would never hurt him and always put him first. But I also can't wait to get back to work, I've never had a problem leaving him with someone else and find myself getting frustrated very quickly when he's griping and I don't know why. I have little moments where I think 'awww, so cute'. And then moments where I think 'what on earth have I done....' I just don't think my love is as unconditional as it could be. I'm coming to terms with it - I come from a family that don't really show affection and I suspect it's just the way I am.

I'd be interested to hear from others who've felt the same way.

BunnyLebowski Thu 29-Oct-09 09:45:02

I can't really identify with you as my feelings towards dd (13 months) are very different but I would like to offer some support.

It sounds like there has definitely been a connection between your birth experience and your subsequent ability to bond after this? Your birth sounds fairly scary and traumatic. I can appreciate how it may have affected you negatively.

Maybe the debrief will help you confront some of the negative feelings about you birth and help you move on?

You sound like a good mum btw.

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne Thu 29-Oct-09 09:53:12

About 8-9 months, but DP bonded with him straightaway. Was very very difficult.

In my case I don't know if my PND caused the difficulty in bonding, or the difficulty in bonding causes the PND, IYSWIM.

Also - when I went back to work I instantly felt better, and got a chance to miss DS, and our bond has only got better and better since.

It will happen - some people don't bond for a long time, especially after a difficult birth. The first year is so hard as well, it's all about them and they're too little to give anything back, as it were. Once they start interacting it's impossible to NOT bond IMO

if you are worried though, have a chat with your GP/HV..


boundarybabe Thu 29-Oct-09 11:06:22

Thanks guys. I'm not worried - like I say, I suspect a lot of it is down to my personality and DS is proving to be just as independant (eg. doesn't like being smothered with cuddles) so we actually suit rather well. I just wanted to hear from some other people who had the same. I'm back at work next week part time so I think that will help. Ds is at his settle session as we speak!

Sunshinemummified Thu 29-Oct-09 11:26:37

I had an EMCS with DS (now 3) but bonded with him straight away, even though DP did a lot of the physical looking after for the first few hours.

With DD (14m) I had an elective CS two weeks early and when they brought her to me I was so shocked at how little she was that I refused to hold her. It wasn't until they gave her to me on the trolley bed to wheel me back to HDU that I bonded with her.

With regards to some of your issues though - I couldn't wait to get back to work with both of them, never had a problem leaving them with other people and find it difficult when they're griping. I think these things are all normal so I wouldn't worry either.

cory Fri 30-Oct-09 07:39:30

I bonded early- but my Mum only met her youngest (adopted) when he was 21/2 and their bond is just as strong as her bond with her other children- so I don't think it's ever too late to start

NoFitState Fri 30-Oct-09 19:32:40

I did'nt really bond till my DD was 6 weeks, and even now 3 and a half monthes i still don't think i'm 100% bonded. I love her very much, but do spend a large part of my day frustrated and angry. But i think i have a bit of a difficult and clingy baby who cries alot. My favorite time is when she goes to bed for the night as thats when i feel i can realy relax. But then there are times when she's napping when i just want to wake her and give her a cuddle! I don't feel bad about my feelings, and i think alot more people feel like that then admit it. I'm looking forward to toddler years when she's a bit more interective, i really think i'll enjoy that more.

At the same time i hate my job and i'm dreading going back!

Lcautious Fri 30-Oct-09 22:30:18

Sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth boundarybabe. I also had a v. traumatic birth exp, which lead to my son in PICU for 8 weeks b4 he was home. In that time couldnt breast feed, there were 24 hour nurses looking after DS, making decisions on his health which was so frustrating. I always wanted to breastfeed but this didnt happen because he needed milk and i was so stressed i couldnt supply it!

I agree that those small things such as annoyance at griping, etc are just part of motherhood. At times in the beginning, i had many issues such as resentment at my DS and DP. Even when DS did finally come home it was still a natural shock but i had a v determined attitude with bonding- DP found it harder to bond. Now, at 7 months, the things he's doing and the way he's developing just makes me so proud we have an evergrowing bond! IMO the bond that you form is continuous and feelings only develop more over time. x

WartoScreamo Fri 30-Oct-09 22:42:59

You sound exactly like me 5 years ago! I too had an emcs but under GA. My overriding feeling initially was that I couldn't believe dd was actually mine.

When she was first born, my initial reaction was resentment that my life had been turned upside down. I was too ashamed to tell anyone that I felt like that!

I went through all the motions, but never derived much pleasure from it. The only bit of the first few months I enjoyed was the afternoon cuddle/snooze we used to have. I felt really guilty as I expected to be fully "loved up" and whilst I loved her, like you I felt a bit detached.

It did change over time though. As she got a bit older and developed a personality I got more and more besotted. I think now that I am maybe just not a baby person!

pushmeghoulyou Fri 30-Oct-09 22:48:22

I didn't feel I had properly bonded with my DD until I went back to work.

I felt fully responsible for her from the start, madly in love with her from about 6 months (had terrrible cot death paranoia) and really close to her once I was working again.

I think I needed the space to feel like me again in order to bond fully - I was so weighed down wit the responsibility and lonliness before that that I didn't have that 'extra' bit to give. Also I am not really a small baby person and felt more connected with her once she could talk.

Jujubean77 Fri 30-Oct-09 22:53:50

I bonded when she started smiling around 4weeks. Not immediate at all, but I nearly died in childbirth so it was never going to be straightforward....

LeninGhoul Fri 30-Oct-09 23:02:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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