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DH just told me he doesn't like me

(16 Posts)
Vagabond Sun 25-Oct-09 19:02:09

He says he loves me but he doesn't like me.

Hmmmm.

DH is a perfectionist and won't do anything he isn't good at. DD is a creative, bubbly, loud and very artsy and clever child. We went to watch her football session this afternoon. She is not that interested in football but we live in Kuwait so there isn't much for kids to do. Anyway, DD was dawdling and not paying much attention to the game. DH was so annoyed and said he'd never go to watch her play football again.

This is typical of DH - to just walk away and not make any effort (although he does read with her every day and has done since she was a baby). I was furious with him and said so. I unkindly said that he could easily go outside sometimes and coach her and kick a ball around, help her and just DO stuff with her and that to just walk away was lazy. His answer is always to just walk away, pour several drinks (refuse the dinner I've made) and sit in the back yard staring at the sky. Drives me mad!

Anyway, I tried to talk about it with him this evening and he basically told me that he just doesn't like me anymore.

I do loads of stuff with the kids on our compound. I volunteer everywhere, I run a kids mosaic club and organise parties and functions all the time. He still thinks I'm a crap mum though (and has told me so several times). I think he judges motherhood on how often I wash the sheets rather than what I actually offer as a much-loved and involved mother.

There is actually a lot of love between us at times. He's just sooooo.... sooo.... he's such a perfectionist and he doesn't realise that our wonderfully creative daughter is actually something very special. I talk to the mums at the school gate all the time so I know how the other kids are doing. DH freaks if DD can't spell "people" on her weekly spelling test. She has just turned 7.

He just expects too much. And then he wonders why I don't get all enthusiastic about sex! Geez! That's the last thing on my mind with such a grumpy git of a DH.

Can you love someone but just not like them at times?

piscesmoon Sun 25-Oct-09 19:14:41

He seems very spoilt! How does he get on with his parents?

Ivykaty44 Sun 25-Oct-09 19:17:57

He doesn't like you comment is like a child that has been told of by parent and there retort is - well I dont like you.

Sorry but this is what it sounds to me - he knows he should do more and critizes you as he does so little sad

MmeGoblindt Sun 25-Oct-09 19:22:36

How much time do you and he spend together, just yourselves?

overmydeadbody Sun 25-Oct-09 19:23:35

What is how he reacts to his DD got to do with whether or not he likes you though? Sounds like a very strange retort to me, and it sounds like two seperate issues going on.

Vagabond Sun 25-Oct-09 19:33:26

Gets on great with his dad. Doesn't like his mum much (because she's devoid of affection and is a lazy, gossipy old thing) but he never shows it. He is a devoted son. Their family never shows any feeling for anything. They are typical staunch Kiwis and never show emotion.

DH is a military pilot and instructs on fast jets. Put it this way, if I'd been one of his students, I'd have been axed months ago!

He used to love that I was quirky and fun and did STUFF. Now, he just seems annoyed by me all the time. I have given up my life to live here in the Middle East with him and have only been able to do jobs that paid very little. I've done the most that I could with what I've got and I'm damn proud of myself. He, on other hand, inspects the microwave and considers it dirty because it might have a splash of baked bean residue.

I just don't think about stuff like that. I sometimes tell him that he should have married Mary Poppins but that just starts a whole new argument.

Am so frustrated and feel so trapped.

I am actually starting to think really scary thoughts about what life would be like without him. And that scares the shit out of me.

Eek!

piscesmoon Sun 25-Oct-09 19:44:09

I think that you need to tackle the problem head on-even if you might not like the outcome. You are letting him behave like that, so he will only get worse. If he doesn't like the state of the microwave he should know where to find a cloth!
I think that living away from family, friends and support network always puts a strain on relationships.
Perhaps start by both sitting down and deciding, separately, where you want to be in 5 yrs time and then comparing see if it matches or is open to compromise.
It is scary stuff-it depends on whether you want to rock the boat.

MmeGoblindt Sun 25-Oct-09 19:49:46

Do you spend time with him alone, and do you enjoy that time?

It can be easy when living abroad to get caught up in doing things with others, in being a mum and forget to spend time with your DH alone.

carriedababi Sun 25-Oct-09 20:52:17

sad what a horrible thing for him to say

do you think he ment it or was trying to hurt you?

applepudding Mon 26-Oct-09 00:22:05

Sounds like this is more of a 'relationship' problem rather than 'parenting'.

How many friends do you have where you live? what opportunities do you have to come home and see your family?

Tortington Mon 26-Oct-09 00:30:03

if my dh inspected the microwave - id be on the firstplane back home.

seriously, if he wants the fucking microwave cleaned - he can clean it - or pay a cleaner

Tortington Mon 26-Oct-09 00:30:28

in fact he generally sounds like a cunt

Tortington Mon 26-Oct-09 00:31:20

and if dh told me he didn't like me - i would tell him that he's not number one on my list either. knobhead

applepudding Mon 26-Oct-09 13:35:43

I always think that there is nothing more likely to make somebody defend their DH's totally unreasonable behaviour than an outsider calling him 'cunt' or 'knobhead'.

Vagabond's DH can not be entirely labelled as such, or she would not have married him. However, his recent behaviour towards her and towards her DD shows lack of love and respect. Vagabond - don't use his being a perfectionist as an excuse for his behaviour. A true perfectionist is most hard on themselves and their own behaviour - while your DH is criticising you and your DD - this makes him more of a bully.

If I were you I would be seriously considering is there enough love there for this relationship to continue, and how is his dismissive behaviour going to affect your DD in future? Is there any counselling available for you where you are living, and would your DH be prepared to attend with you.

If not, I would be considering a holiday without your DH back home (are you originally from Britain? Do you have family and friends here you could stay with?) to seriously consider where your future lies.

You may get a wider response if you post in 'relationship' thread rather than 'parenting'.

cocolepew Mon 26-Oct-09 13:41:06

He seems to think you are one of his students hmm remind him it's a partnership. If he doesn't like how something is done he can do it himself.







And what custy said.

buy1get1free Mon 26-Oct-09 18:36:57

Vagabond I've lived in the Middle East and I know that ex-pat life there is pretty superficial and starves you of 'real life'. It was really one of the unhappiest times of my life. I also had a partner who, for some reason, turned into a right twat while we were there ... something in the rusty water maybe?. In the end, I booked myself on a plane back to the UK and told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he wanted to see me come back, he needed to seriously have a think about his behaviour and treatment of me. I realise this is difficult for you with a child, but if you are that unhappy with him or hurt by his comments, he needs a short sharp shock. You have made him sound like an utter bastard, by the way sad Oh, and I never did go back - best move I ever made wink
Hell PMSL .. you are v. brave to use the 'C' word grin

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