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Nursery making decisions for DS without involving us (long sorry)

(10 Posts)
Harrizeb Tue 14-Jun-05 13:47:27

DS turns 2 this week and Nursery have started doing settling in visits for him to move up to the next room, but with out asking us first, and it's got me really upset but for lots of different reasons.

The logical reasons for being upset are Firstly that strangers are decicding what is right for DS without any reference to us. Secondly because I don't like some of the older children in the room and the way they behave, the language they use. Thirdly because the ladies in the older childrens room STILL insist on baby talking to the children and I have had weeks of correcting the baby talk that he learnt after learning the proper names for things before going to nursery. (a fight I expected to have when he was 7 not 16 mths!)

Then after talking to him this morning about going to play in the older childrens room today he said he didn't want to, so I asked that he didn't go upstairs today, only to have one of the directors phone me and pretty much tell me that he had to go up stairs because she needed to move children round and he would hold others up if he didn't (that got me really ). So much for doing it when the child is ready - I wanted them to start doing it weeks ago but was told catagorically that he was far too young and they won't consider it - in other words they didn't have the space or teaching staff to do it (and I am very aware that I have contradicted myself completely here (smile) - this is why my father used to sing Mary Mary quite contrary at me when I was little).

I think I am upset because I am missing out again, I had PND for the first 18mths of his life that was missed completely, I self diagnosed when he was 12 mths and even then got no help what so ever and was left to fend for myself - without DH I would have walked out and never come back.

I *missed out on 12mths of his life* and now others are taking decisions away from me and the choice of being involved in his life now and that hurts.

I hate the fact that there are complete strangers dictating what he does and when, the ground rules and boundaries that he learns and they are so different to what I want him to learn. I know that when he goes to school I have no choice and that at that point he has to fend for himself, but I feel that I haven't even had the chance to help him find his feet yet and already our family values are being diluted in ways that make me really sad.

Ok I need to stop now as I have bored anyone that has had the patience to read all of my ramble. Thanks for reading if you have. Just needed to vent.

H x

milward Tue 14-Jun-05 13:50:18

Terrible situation for you - why wont they just discuss with the parents? - respect for your values and as the mother of your child is in question here. Could you arrange a meeting with them to explain your position on this? Wishing you all the best here xxx

edam Tue 14-Jun-05 13:54:18

God, that sounds awful Harriezb and particularly painful in your circumstances. Face to face meeting with nursery, arranged in advance rather than a chat while you are picking up, sounds like a good idea. Write down everything you want to say and what action you want them to take. Explain exactly what is wrong, in your view, and why it is wrong for your ds, no matter what they do with other children .Then send them a note of what you agreed afterwards.
Or if you think that wouldn't work, how about sending them a letter going over the same points? In a reasonable but firm tone?

acnebride Tue 14-Jun-05 14:02:28

Sorry to suggest this, but does he have to stay at this nursery?

Could you take a week/fortnight parental leave and see if there's anything else out there you like better?

Just saying this because I changed childcare and am so happy I did. But ignore if irrelevant.

lunachic Tue 14-Jun-05 14:29:06

i think this is completely wrong there is no way they should have changed his routine without informing you that they were doing so. i would be inclined to think about moving him to somewhere more friendly (upsetting i know) or at least let them know how upset you are, personally i would phone the nursery manager and ask for a private are the customer you are paying them and you have every right to be concerned over there attitude. Say that you understand that they need the space in the other room but that surely you should have been consulted first.
if you dont like the response you get , think about moving him it may be traumatic in the short term, but he maybe happier somewhere else and i think choosing the 'right' nursery (one you are both happy with) should be paramount
good luck

Mo2 Tue 14-Jun-05 14:48:49

sounds like a crap nursery - move him!

annh Tue 14-Jun-05 19:31:36

Harriezeb, to be honest, it sounds like there is more going on here than just your son moving rooms at nursery.

Presumably, you have to work which is why he is there in the first place but the nursery must in a way be making decisions every day on your behalf about his development (what is acceptable weather for them to be out in, whether he does or doesn't get a second helping of dessert, etc) OK, moving him to the next room up is a big step but if he turns 2 this week you must have KNOWN it was coming, especially if you say you already discussed it with them weeks ago.

You also sound confused about what you really want. On the one hand you wanted him to start the move weeks ago (when presumably he would have been even less well able to cope with the behaviour of the older children?). On the other hand, you now don't seem to want him there at all.

You talk about having PND for the first 18 months of ds's life and not getting any help which must hae been a nightmare. Did you eventually get help or have you just had to fight your way out alone? If the latter, is it possible that there are still lingering vestiges of the PND? Could you speak to somebody about all this?

I don't want this to come out sounding harsh but I really believe that this is just a symptom of some bigger unhappiness.

aloha Tue 14-Jun-05 19:37:29

I sort of agree with annh to be honest. THis is as far as I know, totally normal stuff at nursery. Certainly my ds was moved up as are all the children - otherwise how can they ever take in more kids? And they did discuss it with you - you asked them to do it!
If you send your child to nursery it will always be the case that they will be in someone else's care and control. I don't think of my ds's nursery staff as 'strangers' btw! And yes, they decide things for him. They started toilet training, they make him wait in line, and if he does something wrong they tell him off. It's the name of the game.
One little thing - baby talk isnt' bad for kids, it really isn't. Adults don't talk about doggies because their grandma said it to them when they were three!
However, you are clearly really upset and I also wonder if this is either a lingering depression, or because you would actually prefer to be at home with your child yourself and feel sad he is at nursery at all.
I do wish you well, and of course, even if your child is at nursery full time you are and will be for a very long time, his main influence and role model.

Harrizeb Tue 14-Jun-05 22:32:07

Thank you so much for all your replies, Yes I agree that there are probably bigger issues going on here not just my son moving rooms. Having read and reread my orginal post and done some more soul searching it's still getting me quite tearful - not good. No I didn't get help with the PND and think that yes it may have come back to bite my bottom - just to keep me on my toes.

However, I do feel that nursery have stepped over the boundary of what is acceptable in the decisions that they make - as an example I wouldn't expect them to decide it was ok to give him medicine if he was ill, without checking with one of us first. So why should they have decided to do something, with out discusion with us, that will have repercussions for us as a family, but which also means we haven't been able to put things in place at home to support something that in the past has proved to be quite traumatic for DS. This has also meant that things that we are trying to do at home with him at the moment - potty training very early gentle stages and building a bed rather than a cot for him to move to at some point when he shows an interest - have both had to be put on hold until he has settled back at nursery again, which if past experience is anything to go by could take months. I wouldn't be happy with nursery deciding something like he should be potty trained and doing it for me - as his parents that is our choice not a strangers - and the directors are strangers, his key worker isn't she's lovely but she's just doing what she's told at the end of the day and is being paid to do a job.

Thanks again for your thoughts and comments they are appreciated and will be mulled over
have a good evening.

H x

PS sorry for another long post.

morocco Tue 14-Jun-05 22:46:06

hi harrizeb
I'm just adding my well wishes really. It sounds a really stressful situation for you. How long has he been at the nursery for? I can relate to your feelings of 'missing out' - it is hard to let go and our babies are still so young. But you are his mummy and he will always have you there to guide him. Best wishes

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