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Anyone happy be seperated from their very young DC

(36 Posts)
wheresmypaddle Wed 21-Oct-09 14:45:53

When I had DS (now 2.5) I found it very tough to be seperated from him- I resisted all attempts by DP, my parents, In-laws, friends etc to take him off my hands to give me some time to myself.

As time moved on it felt more natural for my parents, or in-laws to have him for short periods of time which eventually graduated to whole days and nights.

A close friend of mine has just had a baby and I have found myself shocked at how early she has been comfortable to leave him- he is 7 weeks old and he has spent a couple of nights and days a week with his grandparents since birth.

I absolutely support her right to parent in her own way but it has really made me wonder if many other mothers are comfortable doing this?? Its made me wonder if in fact, I was rather neorotic in those early weeks.

So can anyone give me their feedback- is it normal to resist being seperated in the first few months.....

LynetteScavo Wed 21-Oct-09 14:48:13

I'm like you, but I know of one person who let her DS stay with her parents from a couple of weeks old.

mad4myboys Wed 21-Oct-09 14:49:31

how many Lo's do you have? When i had ds1 whos 3.4 i would NEVER leave him with anyone. AT ALL!!!

I now have 11 month old ds2 and i went off to an osteopath appt when he was 2 days old and didnt think anything of it. If you only have 1 LO maybe its just because he is your first/only? It was only last month for our wedding anniversary that in laws had both ds's for the night. Didnt feel odd leaving ds2 but did ds1!

belgo Wed 21-Oct-09 14:50:05

I wasn't comfortable leaving my children overnight until I had stopped breastfeeding - at about the age of one and a half- two years. I left them with my in laws for two nights.

My mother was horrified that I could leave them for two nights at that age.

I have since left them for three nights, and I found that hard.

ScaryFucker Wed 21-Oct-09 14:50:07

I was quite comfortable with leaving dc with trusted family even in the early weeks

I needed the break very badly, I think you do miss them, but that makes your reacquaintance all the more sweet....

We left our babies with gp's overnight from just a few months old

You do what feels right

redsofas Wed 21-Oct-09 14:54:35

im like you i have 2 ds'. DS1 i didnt leave for any period of time untill about 11 mos old and then slowly felt more comfortable with people looking after him every now and again. DS2 nearly 10 weeks old i cannot imagine leaving yet, It just doesn't feel right to me, i'd be constantly worrying and would not be able to relax at all especially as he is bf as with ds1 and would worry about him being able to take expressed milk from a bottle proply, but thats just me x

cory Wed 21-Oct-09 14:55:23

In my case, leaving dcs with dh was no worse for me than leaving them with me was for him: we are both parents. He bonded with them just as early as I did: in fact, earlier with ds, because I was quite ill, so it was dh doing the nappies and washes in the first few days.

My parents I was also fine with relatively early on.

wheresmypaddle Wed 21-Oct-09 14:57:57

DS is my first (and only) and yes I agree that if I had a second I would probably leave him/her earlier and find it easier (although who knows once those hormones kick-in).

However, my friends son is also her first and yet so is so relaxed at leaving him.

Of course everyone is different, I must remember that, but still it seems strange to me- I was like an overprotective lioness- maybe I was a little crazy!!

cory Wed 21-Oct-09 15:03:57

it may depend on how close she is to those other people

to me, overprotective lioness behaviour would have applied to outsiders but not to my own family

after all, a baby being raised by the whole tribe is a very ancient way of living

some people are fortunate enough still to have that closeness to their tribe- or at least to their partners

squilly Wed 21-Oct-09 15:12:26

I was back at work when my dd was 16 weeks old. I was pregnant when I'd started a new job and felt obliged to go back as quickly as I could. I had a close friend looking after her for a day and a half and the mother-in-law looking after her for a day. The other 2.5 days in the working week were mine, all mine.

I coped much better with it than I thought I would and I eventually came to love my mummy and squillyjr days, as did my lovely dd.

At 2 she went to nursery for 3 days a week as my friend could not longer help out with childcare.

When she started school I took a career break, which has ended up being a change in direction. Now I work at the school part time, I ebay part time and I volunteer. All in all I find life is great now and I'm happy to be around for dd when she needs me/is sick, etc.

DD is an independent, socially confident, happy and chirpy little soul. Most teachers say she doesn't behave like the average only child, and I suspect that's partly because she's been in either a family or a group setting from very early on (my friend had two older boys, so for a while she was part of their family setup).

In retrospect I'm really happy with my decision and I love having time with dd now she's older. Would I do things differently looking back? No....I love the girl my dd has grown into and I think part of that is down to her going out of the house at a really young age.

wheresmypaddle Wed 21-Oct-09 15:14:05

Good point Cory. I did have to sit on my hands and bite my lip and let DP take DS out so I could 'rest' but actually I felt very unsettled without him. I new I had to do it because it was important for DP and DS but it was really hard.

I think I was quite shocked at the extent of my anxiety towards being seperated from DS but thought it was normal- seeing my friends totally different approach is making me wonder it I was verging on neurotic.

wheresmypaddle Wed 21-Oct-09 15:22:33

Squilly - that sounds lovely.

Just wanted to defend myself a little and say I did snap out of it and from 8 months DS spent a day with DP and a day with my mum while I went back to work. Then when he was 2.2 I went back for a third day and he went to Nursery which he loves. Since he was a year old he has generally spent one night a week with my mum or in-laws giving DP and me a night off which is fantastic. He is generally a really happy, crazy, sociable little chap and I too attribute this to him spending quality time with people other than me.

pigleychez Wed 21-Oct-09 15:48:48

everyones different- I learnt this with my sister.
Her DD is 8 weeks older than my DD. My parents were having her overnight at 4 weeks old so they could have a "night off".
Personally that horrified me. (both PFBs)

DD is now 14mths old and we have only ever left her with parents for the odd evening out (3 times) but never overnight.
Sister is leaving her DD with my parents for 2 weeks soon whilst her and her BF go on holiday! Again personally shock

Both sets of parents both live miles away though so babysitting has to be arranged well in advanced plus its only now that DD is comfortable around them and not even realising we have gone out as appossed to crying herself to sleep as she didnt seem them often enough to be familiar with them.
Think my parents have found that hard as they see my sis DD loads and is obviously fine with them.

YummyorSlummy Wed 21-Oct-09 15:57:53

I left my 8 month old ds with my parents for a total of 10 days(!) while visiting my husband on his detachment in the Falklands for a week. In my defence,I hadn't seen dh for 2 months so it was exeptional circumstances. I had a lovely time though and so did ds I think! grin

TrickorTreatTrunkThighs Wed 21-Oct-09 15:59:02

mad4myboys - I'm the opposite! I left DD1 at 7 weeks overnight with my MIL and some expressed milk. Also left her for 2 weeks shock with my parents when she was 2 while we b*ggered of for our honeymoon!

DD2 on the other hand has barely left my side and whilst I am looking forward to my girls' night away on Saturday a big part of me is hoping it gets cancelled/postponed. She is 2 now and there is NO WAY I would even consider leaving her behind to jet off for 2 weeks.

Can't explain it really, although I was much more impressionable with DD1 could well have been encouraged (don't remember having to be) to leave her.

Ramble, sorry. Interesting to think about.

LissyGlitter Wed 21-Oct-09 16:13:32

I think I first left DD with my mum when she was about six weeks old, so I could have a night out (and that is still remembered as one of the best nights out ever - I felt so victorious back in my old clothes, down the front of a gig, after so many people had said my life would be ruined by having her. The band dedicated a song to us and everyone in venue kept coming up to congratulate us) She had ebm from a bottle no problem, although DP had been giving her one bottle of ebm a day from pretty much the beginning so i could get a rest.

From about 3 or 4 months old she was staying at my parents house at least once a week, from the age of 1 it was often 2 nights a week so I could work.

Now we have moved to be three doors from the ILs, she goes to see them most days for an hour or so, sometimes longer, giving me a chance to have a nap or do some uni work. She has gone by herself a couple of times to stay for a week or so at my parents.

I personally see it as vital that she sees her grandparents as a part of her family. I used to spend every day at my nanas while my parents worked. Although I must say that both sets of grandparents do have a habit of "kidnapping" her, ie popping round to say hi and ending up taking her to theirs for the day for no particular reason.

She is a very happy, well-adjusted child, and has never been clingy or insecure. When I drop her off at Grannys house, she will give me a kiss and say goodbye, then run off to play.

iwouldgoouttonight Wed 21-Oct-09 16:40:09

I was desperate for someone to look after DS (now three) when he was a few days old. Mine and DP's parents looked after him sometimes when he was quite young, not overnight though - I didn't think it was fair to make them get up every hour with him!

I found him quite a difficult baby and looking back I think I had PND and wanted to get back to my old 'normal' life where there was no crying and sleepness nights. I've since had DD and didn't want to leave her at all - I started back at work when she was six months old and I cried for days at the thought of leaving her. She's nine months now and I had to leave her overnight with DP while I worked away, it was the first time I've left her overnight - I didn't like it!

cory Wed 21-Oct-09 17:50:04

The first time ds left me for a day and a night was when he was a just few weeks old and we got a call from MIL saying that FIL had had another heart attack and wasn't expected to last long

it meant so much to dh (and FIL) that he should have a chance to see his grandson before he died, but I was still too fresh from my caesarian to be able to cope with a 5hr train journey in each direction

so dh just grabbed some of those ready-made milk bottles from the pharmacy, stuck ds in his pram and shot off, walking over the fields from the train station to get to their village.

FIL recovered smile

this was obviously a bit of an emergency and not saying I would have been happy under other circumstances for them to have gone off gallivanting without me at that stage

funnily enough, it didn't muck up the breatsfeeding in any way

but even if it had- I might still have thought it worth it

roslily Wed 21-Oct-09 19:50:34

My ds is 6 weeks old. he is quite a difficult baby, lots of screaming (5 hours today), not much sleep etc. I have been diagnosed with PND and will admit to having bonding problems,

Anyway, 2 weeks ago my mum and dad offered to have him for night. I jumped at chance, but dh was appalled at how easily I would leave him. But to be honest for 8 hours sleep, God for 3 hours sleep I would! Only with my parents though.

But reading this makes me feel bad.

francaghostohollywood Wed 21-Oct-09 20:12:35

When ds, my first, was 7 week old, I wouldn't have been able to leave him, mostly because he was feeding all the time and I couldn't figure out how to escape wink.
I would, since day 1, let relatives hold him, change his nappy, take him for little walks in his pram whenever they offered.
I left him overnight for the first time when he was 10/11 months, by that time he was totally used to my parents and pil, it really felt natural.

francaghostohollywood Wed 21-Oct-09 20:18:51

Oh no Roslily please don't feel bad. If you are exhausted, need a bit of time for yourself and your parents are happy to lend a hand, go for it. A few hrs of uninterrupted sleep can do wonders.
Are you getting treatment for your PND? And remember, with demanding newborns, things usually get incredibly better after the first, exhausting weeks.

Fufulina Wed 21-Oct-09 20:22:21

My DD is 10 months old and I've never left her overnight. I've had about 4 nights out while DH has had her, and DH and I have had about 5 days out for a lovely lunch while Mum looked after her.

I got all excited about some time with DH when she was about 8 weeks old and planned a night away for our anniversary when she was 4 months old. We cancelled it - there was no way I could have left her. She's still BF now, and when I asked my mum when she left us (I'm one of 4 and she fed us all) she said it was only when she wasn't feeding us anymore...

OTOH I have friends who revel in getting their life back within weeks of the birth. I wish I could be more like that, but I just can't. I wouldn't relax - wouldn't enjoy myself. It's whatever works for you and your family I reckon.

ScaryFucker Wed 21-Oct-09 20:45:23

yes fufulina, whatever works for you and your family

and now you need to stop banging on about it, tbh

ScaryFucker Wed 21-Oct-09 20:47:28

omg, fufulina, I am so sorry

for some stupid reason I thought you were the OP

please accept my apologies

I don't know what the fuck I am doing today

< goes to rest head >

wideratthehips Wed 21-Oct-09 21:03:45

surely the op can bang on about it as much as she likes? its her thread topic? dh whisked me away for a romantic weekend to Paris when DS1 was 1 and i was distraught for the whole weekend. DC3 who is 7months has not been left with anyone else yet...i don't know, its just a funny feeling i get when they are away from me, my two ds are both independant and emotionally sturdy children so its not them.....its me. they have stayed over with gp for one night at a time and thats fine (5 and nearly 3)

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