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What do you do when you are pretty sure you arent up to scratch but are desperate for 2 children rather than 1?

(19 Posts)
donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 12:35:25

DH and I have DS who is 3. I am very very very very broody, the focus being I want to adopt. I would like a baby, which I know I wont get through adoption, we would be looking at a 1-2 year old. Sometimes I ache for one more baby sometimes I do not.

Anyway, I am really upset because I feel so strongly about this, I want another child so much. But I feel that DH and I are not really made for more than one.

Reasons being: We dont have loads of extra money (or hardly any at all actually!) We would have to move to a bigger house, I dont know if we could afford to do this.

I have health problems and am often very very tired.

For those 2 reasons I feel like logically I should just be grateful I have DS (and I am!) but the urge for a second child is pretty much as strong as the urge was for DS... which is strong. And it really hurts that I feel I have to turn that down due to not being good enough rather than not having the desire.

I am 30, dont know if that helps. I just dont know what to do. I get very upset thinking about not having another child but I also feel that DH and I arent well enough equipped to cope with 2. What can I do?

MegBusset Sat 17-Oct-09 12:39:13

Two don't really cost much more than one, do they? If you still have all your baby stuff, or can get stuff on freecycle.

How much space do you have? If you had a baby could it not sleep in with you to start then share with DS?

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 12:46:06

we have a small 2 bed house. Baby would definitely be in my room with me for a long time, DS was til he was 11 months. But I would not want DS and baby to share a room - DS is wonderful but has some extra emotional issues and his room is very very sacred to him. I'm really not making a mountain out of a molehill with that one, he does have SN and his room is how he copes. I think we'd be doing the children a disservice by making them share; he'd hate it.

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 12:46:52

thanks for talking to me about it. I really need to get this sorted as my head and heart are so far removed from each other.

MegBusset Sat 17-Oct-09 12:53:00

Ok, how about you and dh sleep downstairs on a sofabed?

I think it's totally the right thing to do, to consider all the practical aspects of having another DC. But I'm also a firm believer in 'where there's a will there's a way'!

Have you checked what extra benefits/tax credits you would be eligible for?

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 12:55:54

I am with you on where there is a will there is a way - I am quite famed for beating things with a hammer til they form the right shape! DH is not like that at all, he just wants to grow old and drink tea so I dont really have any support in this one... I mean he just isnt trying to help me fix it. He doesnt want anotehr child but he has said he will go along and have one with me if it means that much to me. I wish he were enthusiastic about it but I know it isnt fair to ask him to feel a way he doesnt feel... but it means so much to me.

EightiesChick Sat 17-Oct-09 12:56:41

Have you got a loft you could convert?

I can sympathise, our money position is fine but I have had quite a few health problems and worry I would be really pushed if I had another DC.

What does your DH feel about another one?

EightiesChick Sat 17-Oct-09 12:57:40

Cross post - have just seen the bit about your DH being not as bothered.

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 12:58:42

I have not checked the benefits/credits side of things but I will.

The other thing is (no one throw things at me please!) if I am being brutally honest I would like a girl too - and I dont feel good about going in to it with a preconception of sex desire. I mean I feel guilty thinking that way. I love having a boy and have thought a million times how grateful I am - I really do not think one sex is preferable to the other at all. And I know everyone is different. But I always really wished for one of each, I want a daughter too, that's all.

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 13:00:37

we rent our house - which is good in a way as moving would be easier.

I feel like such an idiot. I mean if you are broke and have health problems what right have you got to move heaven and earth for another child? But its reason vs. emotion I suppose. And also, I do have a lot of wonderful things to give a child too.

MegBusset Sat 17-Oct-09 13:18:23

I really sympathise, it is a tough call. DH had many practical concerns over having DC2 -- no money, small house etc ( though no health concerns or SN to worry about). In the end we went for it and we have just had to cut back on the budget, and all squash up.

MegBusset Sat 17-Oct-09 13:21:01

I'm sure you have loads to offer another child, you sound like a very caring mum

Morosky Sat 17-Oct-09 13:32:09

I think the fact you are thinking about it in this way means that you are a better parent than you think you are.

I have been told a number of times on mumsnet that I should not have children and think this added to my own feelings of inadequacy, I have asked people whom I respect and also I know will be honest and they have all said that I am a fantastic Mum and I have worked hard at building a supprt network which compensates for any difficulties I may face. After 8 years of feeling like the worst mother in the world I am now making preparations to start TTC. I also get very tired and do need hospitalisation from time to time, although I think we may be having a clear year on that front.

If you rent it is easier to move so the housing is not a permanent obstacle. Are finances going to get better, When we were really broke we would not have TTC but we did not easier times were ahead so it was not an indefinite wait.

navelgazer Sat 17-Oct-09 13:52:59

I notice you said you would like to adopt. Your health problems and tiredness would definitely be a concern for any social worker assessing you for suitability to adopt. Any child you may adopt may have emotional problems caused by trauma and/or neglect - that child may require extra special parenting. On the other hand you may be lucky. You might want to check others experience on the adoption board.

You have much sympathy from me. I originally wanted two but for reasons very similar to yours, mainly health reasons/tiredness, did not. It has been a difficult thing to adjust myself to but with hindsight it is definitely the right decision for us.

My own personal opinion is that if you could solve your health/tiredness problems (I haven't) the other problem of money/space is not so important.

stinkypinky Sat 17-Oct-09 14:10:20

As far as I know, if you want to adopt, the child has to have an allocated room - parents sleeping downstairs would not be acceptable.
My cousin is a doctor, divorced and remarried. Between them they have 3 children - two only visiting weekends, and a 4 bed (fab) house. They were turned down as the children would not each have a room.
You are only 30 - you have time to change things. Good luck.

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 15:23:55

it is true that to adopt we would have to have a 3 bed house.

I hate this I wish I had a magic wand. I know if I was healthier I could see my way around the other issues fairly easily. I'm doing everything I can to get healthy but its like dragging an unwilling participant in a 3 legged race (my body!)

The benefit of having a biological child is that I can do so without a panel of judges approving and I'll have one more wee baby before it grows to a precocious child grin But I want to give a home to a child that wouldnt have one otherwise, that means so much to me that I almost would feel doubly selfish having a biological child. grrrr it just feels so insurmountable. I have lots of great books about adopting that I've been reading up on so I am really well informed with the process and what it may require.

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 17-Oct-09 15:31:40

We have a teeny 2 bed terrace - we are not going to be able to move in a million years.
I have been a SAHM since DS2 arrived and am now preg with no.4.

We are saving for some second hand bunkbeds so the kids can have more room in their room - DS3 recently moved out of ours and him and me now sleep better. At the mo, DS1 is in his cotbed bed and DS2 and 3 both sleep in cots.

Am pretty much banking on this one being a boy - I expect it to be. If it is a girl, by some mad fluke, we will cross the mixed sex bedroom problem when we get there! I don't seem to 'do' boys! wink

Where there's a will - there's a way! Agree with that one!

(Please note however - we will not be having any more!)

MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe Sat 17-Oct-09 15:36:41

Have you asked for support and ideas on the adoption topic?

Around here, I think, any child you adopt has to be five years younger than your youngest child, which I guess would mean you'd have to wait until your ds was about six or seven. That gives you time to sort out some of your health and housing issues.

I'm a mother of one and really do believe that "one is fun" but that is for me and my life. You sound as if you really want another child and I think you should spend some more time working out how you could make it happen. The fact that you're wrestling with whether you're a good enough parent makes me think that you probably are, but you really need to talk this over in depth with your DH. I doubt you'd get far in the adoption process if your DH isn't as committed to it as you are. Equally, you need to resolve your difference over whether to have a baby.

donebuggeralltoday Sat 17-Oct-09 15:42:02

I am quite a good Mum wink I am just sadly an often sick and tired one. But my DS is a marvel of humanity grin so I cant be too bad.

Here the rule is a child has to be 2 yrs younger than your youngest child - so we would be able to start the process now and ask for a 1-2 year old.

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