how to get them to listen without hollaring?

[haven]

dd is eight. and i am at my wits end. she is spoiled. at least i think so. she cried when i wanted her to clean the bathroom because she thought she did something wrong. when i ask her to do something she always has something smart to say. i don't know sometimes if i expect to much from her, or if she is just lazy. i don't know if i should keep my patience or if she deserves to get fussed at. i feel like a bad mom when i can't get my point across to her, because i think a good parent should try and try. i see other moms and they seem to be so good with their children. but, WAY to relaxed. like not teaching no mam and yes mam, and mr. and mrs. and helping without having to be asked. i don't know what is right and what is wrong.

[Tortington]

i agree with you about teaching good manners it is essential...well done you!

i dont know about the helping without having to be asked - this was expected of me as a child hat without uttering a word i would have the kitchen clean and sparkley for when my mum got home on a wednesday evening -and without fail i forgot - just plain orgot, i didn't not want to do it - in fact ont he occasion i did, i revelled int he praise i got - i just forgot becuase i was busy doing something else - i got into so uch trouble for this and it made me unhappy and therefore i remember it. so i ask my kids to wash the dishes or clean the bathroom - andits always better if you phrase it " help me out babe...we can get it done in half the time and then we can watch a cd" or something similar.

as for shouting all the time. my kids take note when i shout - the note they are taking is ...mums a bit pissed off. but when i talk quietly with a posh accent - they know mum is angry and they better get a shufty on before mum loses the plot. i think the key is to lower your voice. i saw a programme where mums of shouting toddlers were encouraged to whisper to them - this brought the noise level right down as the toddler has to stop to catch what mum was saying.

[haven]

i do the quite thing, but then she will push just the right button and i just fly off the deep end. i just don't know if i am expecting to much of a child. if i knew i was, i think it would be easier to not be upset.

[Tortington]

i think the thing to remember is that they are 'ickle wickle human beanz, YOU are god. you are tha all seeing all kowing all omnipitant being. they love you by virtue of your position as their parent.

i think to keep this in mind very strongly the next time your thinking about your expectations.

i also think about what i remember as a child - and we are conditioned it hink to remember the negative. what is you child going to think of you when he / she is 19 ?

thats not to say that they should be given all freedom to dance about on your clean carpet in muddy shoes - but maybe i think all of us need the reminder that they're just kids. they will always be our kids even at 43. but at the moment our job is to make them socially educated. but there is fun in thee and i thik that to have an untidy house is not the end of the world.

so how are things?

[haven]

i remember when i was young as well, i used to be scared to come home. i didn't know what my step-mom was going to freak out on that day. it was horrible, you never did anything right. unless ofcourse she was in on one of the other children in the house and she blamed everything on the children when my dad would come home, even the dinner being cooked. (started cooking dinner when i was 7)

that is the reason why i don't want to be this way with my dd. she is just like i was when i was younger. quiet, and sweet, but she has the mouth that i didn't have.

i don't want her to think that she can't talk to me.

[Tortington]

well am sure - nope - am positive it will be great and you are a great mum because you are posting about this - therefore you recognise this as being a potential problem area for you - so again well done you !!