Oh God, I'm so tired, I really want a break...come and talk to me

[FlamingoBingo]

I'm so, so exhausted, right now. It's all so relentless. I am desperate for a break.

[CybilLiberty]

What's up?

[FlamingoBingo]

Just haven't had a proper break for a very, very, very long time. I'm really, really tired. I would love to be able to go away for a few days on my own, or just with DH. Or, even better, for all my DDs to go and stay somewhere and have the house to myself for a little bit.

They're home educated, which I love, but for me, the big disadvantage is struggling to get time without the DCs. I do get time without them, but not without me feeling guilty about someone else doing me a favour so I can have that time IYSWIM.

They're awkward ages too. The older ones are fine getting on with stuff while I do the things I want and need to, but I'm very tired of constantly having to stop doing things to deal with the baby (12m). I want to fast forward a couple of years.

[CybilLiberty]

You have to stop feeling guilty.(easier said than done I know but make a concerted effort!)

Guilt breeds resentment. You are doing more for your children than a lot of folk do!

What's the point in HE and doing what is best for your children if you are so tired you can't think straight?

Look after yourself first, and the rest will fall into place..

[FlamingoBingo]

I know. I know I have to stop feeling guilty. I have a lot of friends who are keen on child-swaps etc. so the guilt factor shouldn't even be there! My family and DH's family are also really lovely, but I seem to be able to justify asking for childcare so I can go to the doctors, or work the few hours a week I work, but not just to have time to myself. It feels unjustifiable, somehow.

[CybilLiberty]

If it's your sanity that's at stake ,how is it unjustfiable. Do you worry people will think you can't cope if you ask for some help with the kids?

[Othersideofthechannel]

Don't feel guilty about people doing you a favour! I love having other people's children over to play with mine because DCs are so busy talking to their friends I get a bit of head space (if not peace and quiet ). I don't resent those other people getting time to themselves one bit because of the benefits to my children.

[FlamingoBingo]

No, don't think people will think that I can't cope.

I don't know, I have this wierd kind of subconcious feeling that I ought to be able to manage this many children without having any issues or needs at all otherwise I shouldn't have had them IYSWIM. I know it's stupid.

I've got to make supper and I just don't want to. I don't want to hang the washing up but if I don't, it'll all back up and I'll be left with a day of washing all day long and needing to use the tumble drier. I don't want to tidy up but if I don't, I'll be irritated by it this evening when I want to be relaxing. I've just got into one of those horrid moods that is so, so hard to get out of.

[FlamingoBingo]

I do this thing where I go 'when the baby goes to sleep, I'll grab that time to actually do the things she stops me doing easily when she's awake' ie. making supper, or doing something involved with the older ones, or doing the laundry, or doing something for myself - some sewing or something. But I actually start out by checking my emails, and then get engrossed and enjoy the fact I'm sitting down with a cup of tea doing nothing very much at all, MNetting, and then she wakes up and I realise I've wasted all that time and have done nothing productive at all. So feel cross and upset with myself, and end up having to do all the housework with her hindering me the whole time.

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Hey FB....

There is nothing wrong with wanting and having time to yourself, in fact IMO I think it is an important part of being a parent. Keeping in touch with what is important to you, the things that make you a 'well rounded' individual, will benefit the children no end.

I know I am a worse parent when my 'me' time drips away, so if possible I would talk to DH about how you feel, and how it might work into your life.

I don't know a great deal about HE, but I imagine it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice evry waking moment to it to mean you are doing well.

Most of the time it sounds like you are doing fabulously and I am sure a break once in a while might make them appreciate you a little more because they will realise what they are missing.

Can you do an evening class, something you enjoy and in the long run it is probably something the DC's will benefit from anyway.

Take care of yourself... xx

[Othersideofthechannel]

But you need the rest to recharge before you can crack on with things. How about a kitchen timer so you don't get so engrossed?
Or if you have a cordless phone, instead of emailing, phone those people back while you do the chores.

[Alibooobaandthe40phantoms]

FB - you have just described my day. No advice, just a sympathetic pat

[FlamingoBingo]

TMW - thank you. No spare cash for evening classes, sadly. Otherwise would be a great idea. I used to be very invovled with the NCT - on the committee etc. - and enjoyed the meetings for that very reason. But I've cut down my volunteering a lot and no longer feel drawn to that sort of thing. If there was a weekly free thing I could go to, that didn't mean me volunteering for stuff to fit into the rest of my life, now that would be very good!

I am into sewing right now, and have lots of projects up my sleeves, but I need to be at home to do that. It's really DD4 that's the problem - I just can't start something and do it for longer than a few minutes without having to tend to her for one reason or another - a cuddle, a play, a nappy, some food, removing from danger etc. I know that this is a difficult year in a child's life in terms of parental input and also that life will be very different once she's through it.

I just need to work out how to survive through it - have had my children so close together, by the time one's through it, I've only had a short respite before I'm back there again!

[FlamingoBingo]

And that's why I feel guilty when I ask people for help, because I feel it's my own stupid fault for having so many children so close together.

Otherside - kitchen timer a good idea. I've done that once or twice and sometimes it works. Must try and remember to do it again.

[CybilLiberty]

Flamingo I feel like you regarding housework A LOT. Don't beat yourself up about it.

When you have energy and enthusiasm, use it to get jobs done. When you feel hacked off, have beans on toast for tea, sod the washing until the next day, and go with the flow and don't feel bad about it. It takes practice!.

Does dh help out? Does he know how tired you are?

[FlamingoBingo]

DH is fantastic. Seriously, he works so hard at work, and when he's at home, everything is 50:50. But with 4 young DCs, it's still hard work, even when you're only doing 50% of it!

If I asked him to take them all out all day on his next day off, he would do it wihtout a second thought, but then I'd feel sad I was missing seeing him myself!

I'm working tomorrow morning while my parents have the DDs...I'm thinking of asking them to have the DDs at their house and saying I'll come home and have the afternoon to myself and come and collect them later on. Usually, I rush back from work so I can get on with being Mummy again as soon as possible - so my parents don't have to have all of them for any longer than they have to.

[LadyoftheBathtub]

"I've got to make supper and I just don't want to. I don't want to hang the washing up"

You're me! This is exactly what I have to do and exactly why I wandered over to MN for a minute or two instead (and I only have one DC, and he's watching telly ) I'm pg though so that's why I'm knackered, but ypou sound like you have a hell of a lot going on.

I do so know what you mean about planning to do stuff when you have time, and then not managing to - but don't regret that time spent "wasting time"/"doing nothing" - it's what your body and mind needs. It's actually a good thing that you don't spend every second that the baby's asleep killing yourself doing housework or wonderfully educational activities. You take a break when you need it and that's healthy.

Also, get convenience food in so when you can't be arsed to cook you can chuck a pizza or some frozen fish in the oven. Once in a while won't matter.

[LadyoftheBathtub]

I do think your DH could do the occasional day or afternoon though - just so you can do whatever you like for once. You could do the same for him (if you don't already) so you don't feel bad.

[stuffitllllama]

FB, just reading your posts I think you are amazing.

I think if you do get a couple of daytime hours to yourself to sleep, or read, or spend in the bath, then you deserve them. I can't imagine why you would need to feel guilty. What an incredible job you are doing (and your dh too!).

[FlamingoBingo]

Thank you, stuffit.

God, I really do need to make some food soon. We had frozen pizza last night because I felt lazy then, and McDonalds the night before for the same reason. I can't just dump it on DH to cook as soon as he gets in in 40 minutes.

Just giggling at DD4 who is sitting spitting in the doorway because she's eaten some chalk and is trying to get the gritty bits out of her mouth .

[stuffitllllama]

well that's dd4 fed.. and dinner in ten minutes --
pasta, cream, egg, ham -- sorted?

Oh I just had an idea. If you feel guilty asking for help from your parents on childcare, what about if you asked your mum to cook stuff for the freezer. Would she be flattered or annoyed?

When feeling this knackered it sometimes can only take a day or two of having one or two jobs taken off your hands to feel re-energised.

[SpookyAlice]

Flamingo, you do an amazing job, feel proud of it and except that you deserve a break! Don't feel guilty about wanting time away, if it helps your sanity then i'm sure it is worth it

[TrillianSlasher]

I am impressed that you manage as well as you do with 4 children at home all the time.

Good idea to have some space tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure your children will enjoy spending time with their grandparents, and vice versa.

[FlamingoBingo]

DH is home. He's suggested he take the girls to his parents for a few hours on his next day off (Sunday). I've texted my parents so I'll see what they say before I agree. Or maybe have a few hours to myself two days in a row!

Stuffit - that is a fab idea, re. my mum cooking. I think she might be up for that - even if she just cooked one meal a week, that would be a huge help. She already does all our towels and bed linen laundry though .

Alice and Trillian - you are lovely

Tuna pasta bake in the oven, corn on the cob boiling. House is a shit-tip. Ho hum.

[120cms]

FB, I only have two and I feel like you do most days! You are amazing! I heard something recently that helped and that was about being kind to oneself.

You can't always change the situation, but you can change the way you treat and talk to yourself. Having a baby at that age is extremely wearing with or without the other kids!

I hope you enjoy your space, and can manage to listen to some of the guilt monologue and see it for what it really is! Then ignore it!