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Big Dispute over smoking, what shall I do?

(20 Posts)
vivaone Tue 06-Oct-09 16:31:09

5 vote down
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I was told babies would bring family disputes....:-( In brief:

My brother lives with my mother, he doesn't work and spends most of his time in his room smoking fags/dope. This smoking is confined to the bedroom only, not throughout the house.

My wife won't take our 6 month old to visit at the house due to the smoking.

My mother visits us and meets us out regularly.

My mother has kicked off a big dispuate saying the reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable".

Is my wife being over protective? If my mother not being respectful of her decision?

Dogchewsonlimbsanpumpkins Tue 06-Oct-09 16:33:12

Message withdrawn

Dogchewsonlimbsanpumpkins Tue 06-Oct-09 16:34:36

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon Tue 06-Oct-09 16:44:34

As an adult, even without DCs I would avoid visiting a house with smoking.Mother and brother are probably used to it and don't notice-I bet there is a smell even if confined to one room.

FernieB Tue 06-Oct-09 16:50:02

I don't go to any houses with smoking and don't permit my kids to go either.

Jux Tue 06-Oct-09 16:51:12

I think your wife's being over-protective. Does she take your child out in a buggy? Has your child been taken along a road?

If it's only about once a week and for an hour or two then I don't see a problem. They could always open a window.

Uriel Tue 06-Oct-09 16:52:47

I'd say your wife's being normally protective. You should back her up.

MrsMagnolia Wed 07-Oct-09 10:40:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puppie Wed 07-Oct-09 11:06:50

Its the dope smoking I would be worried about more than the cigarette smoking! Your mom allows this in the house?

RubyLove1 Thu 08-Oct-09 12:46:21

Im with your wife on this one. Whether its one room or the whole house it does not matter, passive smoking is passive smoking. Its not as if your wife is saying your Mum cannot see the baby full stop, she still spending time her grandchild, why does it matter where this is?

I will be facing something similar myself when my baby is born but on a much bigger scale.

My DP's mother, brother, sister, Aunties and Uncles and cousins all smoke (except 2 of his cousins) in each others houses all of the time. Im 18 weeks pregnant now and find it hard being around them and if I dont like I leave the house, simple.

Me and DP do not smoke and while I feel I cannot tell people what to do in their own houses, I will definitely make sure that I wont have our baby breathing it in such an intense environment.

They do not know it yet but my DP is adamant that if they want to see our child, they will have to visit our smoke free home and he is not bothered if it causes a dispute as the babys health is key.

Just my opinion on things, but you two are the parents and regardless to how other people may feel the baby is the most important thing.

MmeGoblindt Thu 08-Oct-09 13:12:04

If your brother was smoking in front of you and your baby then I would understand your wife not wanting your baby there.

Since it is confined to his room, and an occasional visit, I don't see the problem.

Yes, passive smoking is dangerous but what are you going to do if someone next to you in the street smokes?

We all do our best to protect our children from danger but we have to ensure that we do not overreact.

RubyLove1 Thu 08-Oct-09 16:47:41

MmeGoblindt if someone in the street smokes by me I move, thats cause I hate the smell.

Not wanting a baby to be in a house where someone smokes is a mother's choice and not an overeaction...what if the brother wants to hold the baby with clothes/hands/breath smelling of smoke? No thank you.

I still feel like "kicking off" that the baby not going into the mothers house, when she gets to see her grandchild anyway is more over reacting!

busybutterfly Sat 17-Oct-09 16:10:01

I'm with puppie on this - how is smoking dope acceptable?! shock

No-one I know smokes in their house luckily so it's not been an issue for us.

But I think your wife is well within her rights to put her foot down on this. Feel sorry for you trapped in the middle though!

IWishIWasAFrog Sat 17-Oct-09 22:08:09

With your wife on this one.

You should back her up.

fledtoscotland Sun 18-Oct-09 01:26:12

I'm also with your wife on this one. Not only is passive smoking proven to cause lung problems (think Roy Castle), cannabis is very toxic esp to a child.

Apart from the legal/moral aspect (taking a child into a household where drugs are an accepted way of life) why would you want to subject your child to smoke?

You should support your wife and explain that when your brother gets a job and a life, then you will visit.

bellabelly Sun 18-Oct-09 01:33:42

If the smoking is confined to just one room and there's no stale or fresh smoke in the room where your baby is then I think your wife is being a bit precious tbh. Cigarette smoke is not nerve gas! Having said that, for the sake of family harmony, I would ask your brother to smoke outside (or refrain from smoking) during visits with the baby. I would think he'd understand and be fairly amenable?

whensmydayoff Sun 18-Oct-09 15:12:17

Where is the room in relation to the livingroom/kitchen?
If the bedroom where he smokes is upstairs and he never smokes downstairs then it's very OTT.
However, if the smoke is in a room near living areas and you can actually smell it then Id be phoning first and asking them to open windows hours before as you are coming round. He could smoke outside in those hours.
I think it's reasonable not to want to put your baby in a smokey atmosphere but unreasonable if the chances of any of that smoke getting near baby are nil then it's an overreaction.
My mum smokes, I hate it too but she loves her grandson and she is addicted to a horrible habbit she has tried hard and failed to kick.
She actually smokes in the livingroom though.
If we are visiting or she is watching my DS she smokes outside hours before we come and all the windows are opened wide. There are no carpets and it's leather sofas so it doesn't smell either.
If he stays she overnight he is upstairs where she never smokes so again, it's fine.
On one occasion recently though she knew I was coming but because she was nervous about her driving lesson, smoked like a chimney all morning then only opened windows and went outside minutes before. I was very angry and just about turned and left. It was horrible because my DS was very upset about seeing his grandma, then the argument followed by me storming away with him blush. Poor thing. She won't do that again in a hurry!
Point is, there is such a thing as come and go. People are entitled to live there way as long as they respect your ways too.

lupa Sun 18-Oct-09 18:00:23

Your wife isn't being over-protective at all! I don't understand why your mother thinks your wife is being unreasonable. It doesn't matter that your brother only smokes in his room - there's plenty of research to show that third-hand smoke is dangerous, especially to babies.

Back up your wife!

nightmareteamgirl Tue 20-Oct-09 13:01:47

I have to say I do think it is a bit precious.

My dad smokes, but he smokes out of the house when DS is there. I am not going to prevent DS spending time at his grandparents house or seeing his grandfather becuase he is unlucky enough to be addicted to something sad

Why are people so mean to/ about smokers- they dont do it just to upset people!

Gracie123 Tue 20-Oct-09 14:46:48

Why are people so mean to/ about smokers- they dont do it just to upset people!'

no one is deliberately being mean to smokers. At the end of the day, it is their choice to smoke. Unfortunately their decisions mean that most of us won't get the choice not to; we have to breathe theirs in passively.
My PiLs ended up divorcing over this (FiL would not allow people to smoke in his house/around his kids, MiL's family all smokers took offense).
Your wife should have the right to protect your baby's lungs from pollutants. Unfortunately she can't. She can however, minimise that by not going to you moms house. If your mom was really bohered she would change the rules and only allow your bro to smoke outside. If she can't do that, then she will have to put up with just visiting you house. It's not like you are saying she can't visit at all.

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