Advanced search

What's for lunch today? Take inspiration from Mumsnetters' tried-and-tested recipes in our Top Bananas! cookbook - now under £10

Find out more

ExDH asking for more access

(29 Posts)
racylaisy Tue 29-Sep-09 08:41:38

When we split, ex went to court and was granted access every other weekend and a Tuesday afternoon for 3 hours (he requested 50:50)

He has always wanted more access, and has recently says he wants to go to court to ask for Tuesday overnight. I think this is too much and dispuptive to the children. Is the court likely to grant him this access? (children are 14 and 10)

colditz Tue 29-Sep-09 08:44:42

Unless he is a hideously bad parent, give him what he wants. See what the children think to that idea, I bet they'd go for it - wouldn't you be pushing for more access in his position? Why didn't he get 50/50?

nooka Tue 29-Sep-09 08:58:07

What do the children think? I would have thought they would be of an age to be part of the decision making (in court anyway). Tuesday afternoon and every other weekend seems like a very small amount of time to have with your children if you hoped for a 50:50 split. I really wonder how one over night stay could be considered too much. Although he might be a crap parent and lives miles away etc etc so there may be much more than you are saying.

mrsjammi Tue 29-Sep-09 09:05:16

Message withdrawn

Portofino Tue 29-Sep-09 09:06:27

How would you feel if YOU only saw your dcs everyother weekend and for a few hours in the week? Unless there are other factors at play, I'd go along with this. The dcs aren't babies any more.

BonsoirAnna Tue 29-Sep-09 09:08:16

If your children are 14 and 10 and your exDH is a good father in every way, it is highly likely that if he requests more access, he will get what he wants in court.

At 14 and 10, your children ought to be making the decision, in consultation with their parents, about how much time they spend with each parent - not you!

pleasechange Tue 29-Sep-09 11:27:00

I agree the children should be allowed to input - very controlling to think the decision is your's alone to make

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 29-Sep-09 12:14:09

Looks like a pretty clear cut decision to me. Give your husband more access. I couldn't imagine not seeing my only dd for less than 50% of the time if I were in your situation. Let the children speak.

racylaisy Tue 29-Sep-09 12:54:28

mrsjammi - not sure what you mean re. the 14y/o. So the court may say he has to have access to the 10y/o overnight, but not the 14y/o?

I don't let my 14y/o come and go as he pleases, so although he may want to stay overnight with his father, I wouldn't have thought he could do this without my say-so

GypsyMoth Tue 29-Sep-09 13:03:08

my 10 year old ds has told cafcass and courts what he wants with regards access.

he was listewned to.

its their rights,the dc's,not you or your ex's.

Surfermum Tue 29-Sep-09 13:09:10

It doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to me. Why are you so against it? And what do the children want to do?

amtooyoungforthis Tue 29-Sep-09 13:09:38

Why are you objecting?

I think it's a perfectly reasonable request, what do you children think??

racylaisy Tue 29-Sep-09 13:11:12

I'm against it because I think the children need me to be there to help with homework etc. I think I can do this better than their father. Also I think it would be disruptive for them mid-week

He has previously messed around with days a bit as well - for 5 months or so he asked if he could see them on Thursdays instead of Tuesday's cos of work and I was flexible then

racylaisy Tue 29-Sep-09 13:11:49

The children would like more time with him, yes

JeminTheDungeon Tue 29-Sep-09 13:14:37

The reasons you give don't actually sound like reasons tbh...are you finding the idea difficult for other, ie emotional reasons?

They are 14 and 10 after all....there really isn't anything to object to, it's good to have a relationship with both parents- are you really thinking about your childrens interests?

Surfermum Tue 29-Sep-09 13:17:06

Sorry, but I don't think asking to swap the days because he has to work is messing you around. He has to earn a living! I often ask my mum to swap the days she picks dd up from school if I have to change my days at work.

As the children want to I really don't think you can say no without looking like you're being obstructive. You've been to court, you must know how dreadful and utterly draining it is, not to mention expensive. Is it really worth that aggravation?

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 29-Sep-09 13:18:03

Your ExDH's request looks perfectly reasonable, and your DCs are plenty old enough to have their opinion taken into account. A friend of my DS (aged 10) stays overnight with his father midweek every week, it's an arrangement which works well.

Why, exactly, is this a problem?

bumpybecky Tue 29-Sep-09 13:20:02

I think you should agree to your Ex's request.

One night of you not supervising homework isn't going to cause any problems. Either their Dad will supervise, or you'll have to catch up at other times.

Changing the day for 5 months once (as in one change, not every week something different) isn't really messing about, it's life and swork situations changing.

At 14 and 10 I imagine if you deny the children's wishes without very good reasons you're likely to cuase more problems. I can see the children being very resentful about being denied more access.

pleasechange Tue 29-Sep-09 13:24:12

It sounds totally like a control issue on the OP's behalf. How arrogant to assume that only you can help with their homework. Do you really want your children to know that you won't let them see their own father?

amtooyoungforthis Tue 29-Sep-09 13:27:11

If your children want more time, then stop obstructing

They aren't yours, they have 2 parents. It shouldn't be one person allowing anything

Changing the days around isn't a big deal, it's more important the children have a happy relaxing relationship with their father. We change days around all the time and if ex has free time, he is welcome to come get them at anytime, even though we do have set times in our diaries too

At the ages your children are, if they think you are interfering in their time with their father, it could come back and bite you

Hassled Tue 29-Sep-09 13:29:14

I know from experience how hard this is, but you need to completely take your own feelings out of the equation. So that means not taking into account the fact you think your Ex is a tosser and not taking into account the fact you'll miss the kids that extra night.

You have to see it objectively, and from the DCs' point of view, otherwise they will resent you for it and that might seriously damage their relationship with you as adults.

3andahalfmonkeys Tue 29-Sep-09 13:34:50

if your children want to see their dad more you should let them - he is also a parent. from experience seeing children every other weekend is not enough for a dad or the children and 3 hours on a tuesday won't be quality time because of tea etc.

BonsoirAnna Tue 29-Sep-09 13:42:06

Letting your children decide doesn't mean that they can come and go between two houses as they please (you are, quite rightly, not a hotel keeper!). It means that they decide how much time they want to spend with each parent on a regular basis, and in accordance with each parent's work agenda, and then they stick to that plan for an agreed amount of time (a school year is a good basis IME).

mrsjammi Tue 29-Sep-09 14:50:39

Message withdrawn

Knickers0nmahead Tue 29-Sep-09 14:53:35

Let them spend more time with their dad and stop being so sour.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now