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I need help with DS1 behaviour and our parenting

(21 Posts)
arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 14:23:15

Hi,

DH and I are at the end of out tether with DS1 (5) behaviour in certain situations and we feel that we need help as its ruining our family time at the moment.

Does anyone know if Super Nanny, Tiny Tearoways type of help actually exisits? Are there quailified people out there (not saying SN is qualified) who can help you get things back on track, does anyone have experience of this and if that kind of help isn't out there where do you turn?

DS1 is a bright, friendly and kind little boy but his need to have attention 100% of the time (expeically with visitors or when we go to other peoples houses) is a realy problem. He is loud, rough and and gets so hyped up and overexcited that its impossible for any threats or punishments to penetrate his brain.

Yesterday we visited family and he had to be taken into time out 5 times, each time he sat and did his time, looked remorseful but continued with the same behaviour almost immediately.

His behaviour doninates our lives, i nolonger invite existing friends round and am relectant to invite new freinds round becasue of his behaviour, he just had to be the centre of everything and i end up in tears once the door is shut and everyone has gone home.

We involve him in positive ways, he gets lots of praise for good behaviour, DH and I spend one on one time with him etc

Know people have a lot bigger problems to deal with but i know that we aren't coping that well and feel we all need help. We have mad him this way and have no idea how o undo all the mess we have made.

Thanks if you got this far, i only intended to do a quick post sad

MollieO Mon 28-Sep-09 14:26:31

What's he like at school?

loujay Mon 28-Sep-09 14:29:38

first of all don't panic!! (easier said than done I know)
At age 5 they are still pushing boundaries and with some kids it is harder than with others (ie - takes longer)to establish them.
Do you have a surestart in your area, or could you talk to your HV - I went on a parenting course last year for people like me who had trouble "managing" their childs behaviour which was recommended by the HV.
I have to go and pick DD up from school now but will be back later with some tips. It was a really common sense course but it helped me to focus.
you are not alone and your problems are not any less significant then anyone elses.
Lou xx

MollieO Mon 28-Sep-09 14:30:37

I should add that when ds (5) doesn't listen and we are at home he gets sent to his room.

Does he ever play by himself or have you always played with him? If the latter then you need to start getting him to spend a bit of time with his own company.

Do you talk through visits/visitors before they happen so you can suggest to ds what is appropriate behaviour? That works well with ds.

What does he actually do to other people/children and what punishment do you implement at the time?

overmydeadbody Mon 28-Sep-09 14:34:50

First of all, ditch the time out thing, it doesn't work for your DS so there is no point doing it.

then, get out and buy a book called "how to talk so children listen and listen so children talk" or something.

It could really help.

overmydeadbody Mon 28-Sep-09 14:37:29

Time Out 5 time while visiting other people is an awful lot of attention he is getting from you.

Remember, when you're 5, any attention (even mummy being cross) is better than no attention. You are effectively rewarding his bad behaviour.

arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 14:44:18

He has settled in well at school (he only started three weeks ago) and seems very popular. I haven't had any feedback (good or bad) from the teacher but we have parents evening in a couple of weeks so i'll get some feedbck then. At nursery he was always full of energy but in a good way, he resonded to adult authority as he does with his swimming teachers and football coaches.

He has always been very reluctant playing on his own/amusing himself, this started at about 20mths and HV reassured me it was a phase! DH and I insist the he spend some time along or amusing himself which he does now without too much fuss.

with guest or at other peoples houses, he is loud, shouty, growls and roars (does this alot at home too) he wants everyone to play cricket or football etc, he is rough with cousins, gets whipped up into a frenzy of excitement then games get abit out of hand. he gets a warning then sent to time out for 5 mins if behaviour continues. We talk about what we expect from him before these events but i can tell that he just isn't listening.

Loujay, i'll look for surestart, look forward ot your tips.

Have to do school run now.

thank you.

arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 14:45:20

what other consequence can i impose?

BertieBotts Mon 28-Sep-09 14:49:08

Sorry, I have no idea whether the supernanny etc services exist. I do have a few suggestions, feel free to take with a pinch of salt, it's all in theory as my DS is only 1, I just read a lot about child development blush.

OK firstly, if the punishments and threats are not working, then you could try changing the approach. There are lots of different discipline approaches - maybe one which makes the child think about their actions would be good, so e.g. if he hits somebody, instead of just saying Right, time out, you say DS, that was not nice, X is upset. How can we make this better? And he should suggest apologising or giving X a cuddle or something (with you prompting if necessary) - most 5 year olds will have trouble with empathy and thinking about others' feelings so just stating the problem - X is upset/there is a mess on the floor, etc - is easier for him to understand.

This approach also makes use of natural and logical consequences.

There is also "Say, Remind, Make it happen" which is explained in detail here.

Good luck I hope you find something that works!

BertieBotts Mon 28-Sep-09 14:55:23

Oh I read someone post on a forum once with a lovely approach - I don't know if your DS would be old enough to understand or not - but they read the book or watched the film Curious George, and then had a little chat with their DC about different types of behaviour and how it was fun to be curious like George, but how being curious and playful and monkeyish could get George into trouble, and how it was good to release their "monkey energy" at some times and places, like in the park or at playgroup, but that they needed to be more calm and quiet at other times, like in the library or at people's houses.

And then whenever their DC were getting a bit rowdy in an inappropriate place they would remind them about their monkey energy and that they needed to control it at that moment, but they would get their DC to think of somewhere they could go or something they could do to release their monkey energy without causing trouble, and they would make sure they let them run around in the garden for a bit or something later in the day.

inthesticks Mon 28-Sep-09 15:02:25

Being loud ,excitable and rough - all sounds fairly normal 5 year old boy behaviour to me. Are your expectations maybe too high?

loujay Mon 28-Sep-09 16:09:31

Ok I am back.
The course i did is called *The Incredible years* course and it is done in conjunction with the book of the same name by carolyn webster-stratton - link to Amazon

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_0_20?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+incredible+years+webster +stratton&sprefix=the+incredible+years

None of the things with in the book are rocket science but i found both the book 9which I still refer to) and the course helped to focus me on DDs behaviour and how best to help her.
So, a few small tips.

1 - Start by focussing on time that you DO spend together. Try first by spending 10 minutes a day entirely focussed on playing with your DS - DO NOT do anything else but play with him for those 10 minutes, no phone call TV radio, books, preparing a meal nothing!! do this every day.
2 - Sticker chart for ONE specific behaviour that you would like him to change (make it a really small achievable one!!)with stickers that are instant and praise that is OTT lading to a small reward at the end of a week.

overmydeadbody Mon 28-Sep-09 16:31:23

maybe your expectations are too high and you don't need to impose consequences, just talk to him differently.

Did you look up the book I suggested?

arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 19:51:45

only just had a chance to get back on here.

I don't think my expectations are too high, surely at 5 DS1 should respond when i ask him to calm down, not be so rough, loud etc

I do accept that i need to change the way i talk to him on these occasions. I think there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy going on here but i feel we are so far into this horrible behaviour that i can't see a way out and that is why i need some help with it all.

will look at books and links that have been suggested.

Thanks

Hassled Mon 28-Sep-09 19:59:40

I really agree re ditching the time out thing - it doen't work for all children, and it's clearly not working for your DS.

It sounds like he's very physical - can you set him loose in the garden more often, if you have one, or have a daily 10 minutes running around the park?

My discipline has always involved going to bedrooms (until a bit older when I start deducting pocket money) - I don't set a specific time limit. Just a bit of time apart from each other cools everything down - I have left it up to half an hour as long as I know they're not too distressed. I usually come in to find the DC playing quite calmly and we can have a quiet chat re acceptable behaviour.

But also bear in mind that it's at this sort of age that boys get one of their first proper testosterone surges, and are often bloody hard work. It may well just pass on its own.

arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 20:16:17

yep he is very physical and we do go / send him out into the garden as much a possible or when he looks like he needs it.

We too send him to his room for an unspecified time to calm the situation, sometimes i think that this is what he actually wants but doesn't realise it, he'll settle down and play do a puzzle etc.

Its very difficult when you are at other peoples houses and the behaviour isn't hitting, throwing, pushing etc its general rough play, over excitement and wanting to have the attention of everyone, He already gets introduced 'trouble' by some family memebers which makes me angry and sad because he is not a horrible boy, he is kind and funny and wears his heart on his sleeve.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff Mon 28-Sep-09 20:23:47

my ds is younger than yours so no specific tips, but was sad and angry for you about family members calling him "Trouble". Can you speak to them, say you know he is boisterous and then some and you're trying to work on it - and that they could help by NOT calling him that, or similar?

just it is a self-fulfilling label, they expect him to be like that, so he is, they will also notice all the "trouble" elements of his behaviour and none of the better bits, because they have already hard-wired their notions of him, IYSWIM. Your ds may well act up to a label because he hears it, thinks, even sub-conciously, "that's what's expected, so that's what I'll do".

sorry this is not very coherent, but don't let him be labelled now - it will stick and that's not a good thing for your ds.

arewehuman Mon 28-Sep-09 20:28:17

i know, it makes me so sad and DH livid. they totally focus on his negatatives. Its all said in jokey way and he does get their love and attention but I feel it so know that DS feels it too.

loujay Tue 29-Sep-09 10:26:33

I have also spoken to memnbers of my family about DDs behaviour and asked them to back off (in no uncertain terms!!)........just by saying that the way we are bringing up DD is different to the way they brought me up and that there are some things that I let go, focussing only on the behaviour i want to change. It was hard for them but, i think the message has got through wink

mankymummymoo Tue 29-Sep-09 10:46:49

Another angle... whats his diet like? Apart from the obvious e numbers, too much sugar etc., a friend who works with children with behavioural problems has recently been on a course where there was a great deal of emphasis on removing wheat and gluten from diets of children (although this was specifically on the course related to autistic children).

might be worth a try?

hettie Tue 29-Sep-09 13:24:42

I can recomend "the incredible years" programme- it's a very well established and authenticated parent training programme. these people should be able to tell you about local parent training courses. You can get a a CAHMS specialist psychologist in (child and adolescent psychologist) but for this kind of behaviour you wouldn't get an nhs referal so would have to go private. You can find a psychologist via the British Psychology Society website here But tbh honest a good paretning class sounds more appropriate

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