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Nurtureshock - Apparently, we're all getting it wrong and hands-on Dads are screwing up our childrens' lives!

(11 Posts)
Doodlez Fri 25-Sep-09 11:01:47

Apologies, it's a Daily Hell article BUT is IS interesting.

OptimistS Fri 25-Sep-09 12:20:12

I think there's some valid points here, but the tone and slant of the article are completely disingenuous, as is usual with the Daily Mail.

It would be quite easy to use the same results to draw completely different conclusions. For example, hands-on dad's are rubbish and produce children who are no better than those born to feckless single mothers with no dad on the scene at all? Could that not be rephrased to present a really positive article saying that single mothers can bring up children who do just as well as children from families with two devoted hands-on parents? This article could be used in an exam testing student's abilities for critical thinking. What it says, and how it presents it, are very different from the bare facts of the study.

The salient points are these:
Indiscriminate praise is not particularly helpful as it teaches children nothing about why or what they've done well.

Constructive praise, combined with effective boundaries and constructive criticism is the best balance.

If a parent manages to achieve this balance, it matters not a jot whether it's mum, dad or both parents doing it.

Nothing actually there that we didn't already know, is there?

I occasionally indulge in reading the Daily Mail for its comedic/trash value. It can be highly entertaining if not taken seriously. However, I would not dream of drawing any conclusions about real social issues based on content in its pages.

gorionine Fri 25-Sep-09 12:27:53

Are you trying to tell me something Doodlez? Only I just had a look at my emails!grin

Persephoponce Fri 25-Sep-09 12:30:09

What's really 'wrong with parents' these days is that we care about gimmicky books like this! One eejit gets incredibly rich, millions of parents feel like shit. It's a bloody great ploy. I might try it myself.

'Another Parenting Guide To Make You feel Like Shite' by Persephoponce

Hmmm. May need to make the title more subtle...

Doodlez Fri 25-Sep-09 14:09:40

Agree with Optimists & Ponce.

I would like to see the actual research results however. I wonder if they are printed without slant or interpretation in the book.

Gori - I sent you the link on email just because I think it's worth a think. I think there maybe some things in the research which we might find either helpful OR comforting! grin

cory Fri 25-Sep-09 15:15:11

I don't get the logic

how do they get from progressive-actively-involved-hands-on-dad to dad-who-can't-say-no-and-will-damage-with-indiscriminate-praise?

it was precisely because the dads I know (including my own dad) were so hands-on that they had authority over their children and could be constructive in their praise and criticism: an awful lot easier if you actually know the child

rookiemater Fri 25-Sep-09 16:14:57

I do like optimists's reasons for reading the DM, must remember to quote that in future for self justification rather than just muttering something about being too tired to read any real news.

gorionine Sat 26-Sep-09 10:20:51

Now that I have read and re read the article here is what I really think. When our parents or the generations preceding them were bringing up their DCs, they had two ways: do what they parents had done or what they felt was right. Our generation is swamped under 1000 of books that do tell us that we have to do it this way or that way and that if we do any differently we are total nutters who will ruin our Dcs lives. As modern day parents (I am just thinking about time line here, not the description of modern parent from DM) we are made to feel guilty at about every single decision we make for our children and in my opinion it is what makes bringing up children so hard. It is the constent judgement of people (that you do not even know but still manage to make you feel bad through what you read from them) over the way you choose to live your life and the sort of values you try to pass on to your children.These books have made us totally loose our confidence that yes, we actually can do it, yes it is nice to every now and then get a bit of advice when you need it but we do not want to be constantly bombarded with "you do it that way? you are a terrible parent...."

I think this study will do exactly what other "brilliant" studies and books have done before : unsettle parents a little bit more because we get scared of thinking for ourselves and make our very own decisions with the consequences they lead to.

I have decided to go for a mix of the previous generations way, I will try my best to do as well as I think my parents did with me ( They were not perfect, but they were consistent) but will not compromise on things I think do not feel right (like leave DCs to scream themselves to sleep or details of the sort). I am aware that I will make/have made a very high mumber of mistake along the way but at least I will have tried MY best, not everyones elses best IYSWIM?

TrinityRhino Sat 26-Sep-09 10:25:07

what a crock of shite
they are swinging from one extreme to the other

my kids would be better off if they had mever lost their hands on dad

FlamingoBingo Sat 26-Sep-09 10:29:08

1. The dangers of praising children is not a new thing - it's been written about by 'experts' for decades now.

2. Parents arguing about childrearing decisions isn't a result of dads being involved, it's a result of parents not being able to communicate properly and not being any good at working as a team

What a load of bollocks - one book I will not be reading!

IsItMeOr Sat 26-Sep-09 14:50:19

I agree with pretty much what everybody has said. I even hate the title "NurtureShock". I also couldn't spot anything new in the "research" cited in the article. I thought we knew all the underpinning facts already and this book just seems to put a parent-bashing spin on it.

Liking Persephoponce's title - more catchy than "the mumsnet guides" don't you think?

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