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motherhood's hard

(16 Posts)
hairband Fri 25-Sep-09 09:20:42

excuse one-handed typing..

just need to get off my chest

feeling isolated on mat leave at home
got to mum and baby groups - met some nice people but don't have enough in common for "deeper" connection

hard to meet people on time as babe so unpredictable - or get to classes etc reliably

feeding in public hard as I spurt milk every where and babe cries

not PND as still have drive to "get out there" but wish there were people around to nurture me and let me rest rather than rush around trying to make friends when am knackered

family visit from 2hrs away but make more work for me - despite kindest efforts.. eg can't sleep in day if they are here as not relaxed

took several years to become a mum so had huge expectations of it.. realise it's not what i thought..

can anyone relate to thus?

MavisEnderby Fri 25-Sep-09 09:27:13

It is very hard especially the early days and the constant bf.It is SUCH a big lifechange.

How old is your lo?

If you are really tired it is OK not to be out and about and have a day relaxing and not doing much at allI sometimes used to go back to bed and bf in bed with the tv on when number 1 was tiny (couldn't with no 2 as had active toddler)

Are you sure you haven't got PND?Maybe a chat with mw an option?

Re feeding,in early months I had a sling with a big swathe of material that went over shoulder so you could discrfeetly bf in public.

It is very hard in early months but it DOES get better when baby starts sleeping through and so on.

Take care xx

MavisEnderby Fri 25-Sep-09 09:28:15

Mw ??Meant hv sorry!

Tee2072 Fri 25-Sep-09 09:31:17

It is the hardest job you'll ever do. I honestly believe that.

I agree with mavisenderby. I often spend days in our big chair with my DS in my arms, just watching stupid TV and resting with him. Those days really recharge me!

It is also getting easier as he sleeps more over night. He's 15 weeks and not quite sleeping through the night, but he does do it occasionally and when he doesn't he only wakes up once, and just long enough to have a feed and a change.

sleepwhenidie Fri 25-Sep-09 09:54:06

You don't say how old baby is but it sounds like you may be rushing things - take a step back and try to RELAX...this is your first baby and the first weeks and months will (believe it or not) fly by. Try and think of feeling isolated from the other side, that you are lucky to be able to spend time out from normal life with your babe. Take your time to bond and enjoy it, you have all the time in the world to make friends with other mums, they will still be there in a month or two, or even 12. You will also not get this lovely, precious, peaceful (ok, sometimes not so peaceful wink) time with a second baby!

Make sure you get out every day for a walk, get a coffee and read a mag while baby sleeps - it doesn't have to be with other people. Your baby doesn't need baby groups/other children yet, those groups are for your benefit, so if you are getting stressed out by the process of getting to them and being there then skip it until you feel ready. Are any of your "old" friends around? Could you meet them for lunch when you can be fairly sure baby will sleep in pram? Get them to come over in the evening for a takeaway and a glass of wine, put you back in touch with your old life and remind you you still have close friends who will stick around.

I promise you will make plenty of friends with other mums (with deeper connections) as time goes on and it does get easier.

MoonTheLoon Fri 25-Sep-09 10:10:26

I think a huge number of mums have felt like this, particularly in the early months, please be assured it does get better! Do you not have any friends or family still around? If your old work friends (assuming you worked?)still work could you meet them for lunch?

try not to put too much pressure on your self to be perfect, none of us are. All the advice in the posts above are valid and will help.

Take care.

nickytwotimes Fri 25-Sep-09 10:16:46

I found the first few months incredibly hard and most people do. I had lots of help and still found it hard.
Not only have you had to adjust to life with a new baby, but you are not in your usual environment (work) and that takes adjusting to too.
It DOES get easier. After a few months, then at 6 mths, then again at a year.
If it is any consolation, remember that most people have more than one, so it MUST get better. wink
Good on you for trying to get out there. DOn't worry about time keeping. I am a fastidious time keeper, but even I was late when ds was tiny and people make allowances, especially when they are in the same position.

It DOES get easier, honest.

hairband Fri 25-Sep-09 10:36:47

thanks all
friendships pre-baby went wrong for various reasons, have some good friends left but noone local enough to ask round for just couple of hours, maybe why i was so eager to use the opportunity these groups give you to make new friends. Joimed NCT for same reason but that has been a bit of a flop too!

guess the most important thing is to look after little one and the rest will follow

sticking to daily walk and coffee out is a good idea and maximising rest, i'm just knackered.

BTW baby is 12w, 6 corrected

thanks for all replies

hairband Fri 25-Sep-09 10:37:47

also lounging around watching tv's a good idea!

fiercebadrabbit Fri 25-Sep-09 10:48:28

12 weeks is so early! I didn't make good mum friends until my dd2 was born (didn't try particularly, to be fair) but you can't rush these things, they happen v slowly and the best time to forge friendships is not when you're out of your mind with the confusion and sleep deprivation that comes with a new baby.

I hated the early days with both my dcs and I had a lot of help. I'd stick to the routine you have, enjoy the chance to wallow in hours of telly (buy box sets) or read while bfing - because believe me as the baby gets older there will be no time for that sort of indulgence again! I look back yearningly at the times I spent watching America's Top Model with dd1 on the boob. It will get better but don't set your expectations too high, motherhood is hard and continues to be hard in different ways and rosy images from the media are very misleading. Good luck smile

hairband Fri 25-Sep-09 12:36:42

Thanks all
Took your advice. Stayed in and went back to bed. A short kip has revived me. I realise it's all sleep deprivation that gets me feeling like this as now feel much better. From now on, sleep comes first (well after sorting the baby out)!

jeffily Fri 25-Sep-09 15:29:48

Just wanted to add to this thread, cos my DD was also 6 wks early and I remember feeling nearly exactly the same as you describe at about 12 weeks. I think that it is hard because with them being early that 'tiny new born' bit lasts longer- eg DD didn't smile till 12 weeks, was still totally unpredictable till about a week ago(!), fed all the time and took ages to get really proficient at BFing. I just started to get really disillusioned with it! Definately on looking back I'd say that I didn't really enjoy the very first months, but now DD is 6 months and I am loving it, and have done for about 1.5 months now, so it does get better. I wish I had enjoyed the time when she used to sleep easily more! envy of being able to go back to bed! DD will now only sleep in buggy or baby carrier. Not a good look to be kipping on a park bench! grin

hairband Fri 25-Sep-09 20:12:03

Thanks for posting that Jeffily. I had wondered how the newborn phase being that bit longer was contributing to all this.. 6 weeks of prematurity doubles the time that everyone says it takes for things to settle down doesn't it..
so for you it got better at 4.5 months. So hopefully my mid November should be better for me!

jacyjwc Fri 25-Sep-09 20:28:06

Just posting to agree with others. I have 3 DCs and even though I have loved the early stage with all of them, I look back really nostalgically at the first months with DC1. Long hours spent feeding, drinking tea and watching tv/reading mags. At the time I did feel like I should be out 'doing things', and I did also spend time going on long walks etc on my own, but wish in hindsight that I had just chilled out more.

BFing also gets easier when they are a bit bigger so feeding in public is easier. Pre-weaning it is so easy to do things like wandering around the shops, stopping off for the odd feed/coffee and cake. I always had a book ar magazine in my bag and then was never bored if I had to sit down and feed baby for ages.

I have met lots of other mum friends since having DC1 5 years ago, but did (and still sometimes do), find baby and toddler groups a bit of a strain and quite tiring. There is nothing wrong with just spending time on your own doing things if you are happy doing that.

mrshouse Fri 25-Sep-09 20:40:41

Sleep deprivation's very hard to deal with as it just the day in day out feeling of being in demand - the latter doesn't go away and I still find that hard to deal with many years later!

Make allowances for that and realise that you and your baby are what matters. Along the way you will gradually find people that you feel comfortable with but I wish I knew that 'friend gathering' could be a major pita when years later you are kind of obligated to people who are perfectly lovely but with whom you have little in common except having babies at the same time. Then it can all become very embarassing as no-one wants to call time on the friendships. Every cloud has a silver lining!!

Try and get some rest and be kind to yourself if you can't (I couldn't..no family for miles around and an a resolutely non sleeping DD).

JackBauer Fri 25-Sep-09 20:55:16

I found I didn't start making 'mum' friends until DD1 was about 4 or 5 months old and was in more of a routine so we could go to groups etc.
I spent a lot of the first few months at home napping or mooching slowly round park and sitting on a bench to read a book with DD1 asleep.
It gets fun later, the first few months are major adjustment time, more so for yourself with a prem baby.

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