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Is it acceptable to say "I always love you but at the moment I do not like you very much because of xyz"

(18 Posts)
MavisEnderby Tue 22-Sep-09 22:07:55

To a nearly 6?

I have done this today and feel really bad

ds was really pressing my buttons.

dd had been a pain from dawn til dusk

dp was ill

I was tired and crochety.

This should be an AIBU shouldn't it?

Felt awful after I had said it

hobbgoblin Tue 22-Sep-09 22:09:13

I think it's a really good and really honest thing to say. Tbh. they need to hear such things or they turn into brats imo.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 22-Sep-09 22:09:42

It's totally acceptable. My parents used to say this and it's such a valuable lesson to learn.

ChasingSquirrels Tue 22-Sep-09 22:11:17

I say it - much better than some alternatives aswell!

cat64 Tue 22-Sep-09 22:12:22

Message withdrawn

LadyGlencoraPalliser Tue 22-Sep-09 22:12:26

Hmm. I probably would prefer to say "I love you, but when you behave like that I feel sad." But really when you are tired and they are pushing all your buttons, not actually strangling them is a bonus never mind choosing just the right form of words to indicate the depths of your maternal devotion versus your disapprobation of their infernal behaviour.
So no YANBU. The main thing is you told him you love him.

MavisEnderby Tue 22-Sep-09 22:16:00

Thanks.I wasn't sure about how much he would differentiate between like and love,AT 5.

The backstory is that dp has chronic illness and dd sn so ds is often caught up in the helping role (I try not to let it affect him too much but it must in a way)

But tonight he was v being a pita,probably in a normal 5yo way.I had had a crap day,dd had vommed and pooed this morning so it starte dewith endless bathing and washing aND DS WAS NATTER,NATTER,NATTER andit just continued when he got home froM school.

Dp waas breathless and wheezing and needy

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

(HEAD EXPLODES TRYING TO KEEP FAMILY HAPPY)

busybeingmum Tue 22-Sep-09 22:17:32

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo Tue 22-Sep-09 22:21:00

My mum used to say this and I hated it. I think it sounds like you are saying I have to love you but I don't have to like you.
I would have preferred a straight forward "that annoys me, stop it, I am in a bad mood"
than being told I was disliked.

On the other hand, I haven't turned out too badly(I hope)

Acinonyx Tue 22-Sep-09 23:09:10

Totally agree with mrsruffalo. My mum used to say this as if - she loved me because there was nothing wrong with her as a mother - but she couldn't like me because there was something wrong with me. Hate it.

ib Tue 22-Sep-09 23:26:26

I say the same as busybeingmum 'I love you but I don't like it when you xyz'. I prefer it to the 'I don't like you' which is more of a value judgement on him than on his behaviour iyswim.

On the other hand when it gets too much I have been known to say 'Will you just bloody stop doing that before you do my head in?' which is not exactly didactic....blush

dittany Tue 22-Sep-09 23:38:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos Tue 22-Sep-09 23:53:37

sorry you had such a trying day. I do think though that it's far too complex a message for a 5 year old to get their head round. As Dittany and other's have said, better to criticise the specific behaviour.

NightShoe Wed 23-Sep-09 12:28:32

I think rather than saying "but I don't like you when.." it would be better to say "I love you, but when you do xyz I feel annoyed/sad/upset" that way you are telling him you love him, but making the connection between the behaviour and the feelings you have about it rather than saying you don't like him or accusing him of making you feel annoyed/sad/upset which is all abit loaded. This is really just a flowery version of "that annoys me, stop it, I am in a bad mood" grin

PortAndLemon Wed 23-Sep-09 12:32:59

I would try to say "but I do not like the way you are behaving", I think, especially at that age. But what you said isn't bad.

ThingOne Wed 23-Sep-09 12:34:46

I would go for the "I don't like what you're doing" or "I don't like it when you behave like that" rather than "I don't like you when ...". Or "It makes me sad ..." to my three year old. At least that's my theory. Obviously when I'm tired and stressed I rant and rave like they do.

I also say "it's extremely annoying and I need some peace" but that doesn't seem to work very well.

Dittany, you sound very calm. Do you never get cross when they won't be quiet even when you ask them a billion times?

ScarlettCrossbones Wed 23-Sep-09 13:53:42

Sorry, I think it's an awful thing to say. I'd be crushed if an adult told me they didn't like me, never mind my own mother when I was a child.

cat64 Wed 23-Sep-09 22:58:09

Message withdrawn

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