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feeling awful that ds is an only because I am so shy

(12 Posts)
tevion Thu 17-Sep-09 21:48:51

I have having a terrible time with this but ds is 8 and an only I never wanted him to be an only its not how I planned it but now I am wracked with guilt and generally feel awful.
I now realise that becasue I am so shy I should have made sure he ahd a sibling.
Poor ds comes home to just me and dad every day from school because I have not managed to get a network of friends going with children his age to do stuff with.
I am even too shy to take him to activites although I do force myself into that one.
Is my ds destined to suffer with a shy mom and no siblings.
I can feel myself getting more and more depressed about this.

generalunrest Thu 17-Sep-09 22:32:29

I'm just not a sociable person at all, and this doesn't bother me, and luckily my DH isn't either, but it did used to make me worry about the impact it would have on our DD, also 8.

I've made an effort to at least have one of her friends round to play sometimes, and this gets her an invite back, but my saving grace is after school clubs and activities like dancing and karate. She's now busy most evenings in the week, it was really, really difficult for me to take her to start with, but after a while it just becomes normal. Although I've never stopped hating taking/collecting her from school, far too many people for my liking grin

Having worked through how to cope with not being sociable, and accepting that everybody's different, we're a bit more prepared for when DD2 is born in Jan smile I'm sure your DS just accepts his homelife like most children do, and loves you and his Dad just the way you are.

EmilyBrownlovesStanley Thu 17-Sep-09 23:53:46

Tevion - you have posted about this several times. The problem isn't that your child is an only - no way is that an affliction - but that you have emotional problems which are affecting your outlook. Please go to see your GP and discuss this with her/him and ask for a referral for counselling.

MermaidSpam Fri 18-Sep-09 00:06:23

Push yourself, for his sake.

nappyaddict Fri 18-Sep-09 01:49:29

Would you be able to arrange to have a child from his class over after school?

Chunkamatic Fri 18-Sep-09 10:24:15

I have quite low self-esteem and this means that I often dread social situations where I feel I have to deal with them myself (i.e. without my partner there.)

My DS is only little, but I have got myself really down at times worrying about the fact that we hardly spend any time with other children, purely because I fin d it too difficult.

What I would say to you is that if you feel it is a problem and it is getting you down you need to do something about it. Your DS will make friends of his own accord, he sounds like he is perfectly happy with the situation as it stands. But if it is effecting you then that will start to have an impact on your family life too.

I'm sure you are the same as me in that this becomes a vicious circle, the worse you feel about the less you feel able to do, so the worse you feel about it - that's how you end up being depressed.

Do you think that going to see someone about your esteem issues would help? Toe-curling idea to say the least, I know, but it sounds like this could be a downward spiral for you.

When I feel bad I literally force myself to go out with DS... at the moment we are managing one morning a week at a playgroup. I still feel nervous and a bit anxious when I get there but I balance this out by watching how much fun he is having.

As your DS is older, are there not any clubs or activities he can take part in that don't actually involve you meeting other parents? Surely any sports clubs, or something like scouts or woodcraft folk don't require a huge amount of involvement from you other than dropping off/collecting him?

deaddei Fri 18-Sep-09 11:18:08

You must make an effort- surely having a friend to tea or to play on a Saturday afternoon is not a big deal?
He's old enough for cubs etc now as Chunkamatic says- by doing that, it takes the pressure off you a bit.
Please get some help for yourself- it isn't fair on your son to be isolated because of your problems.

juicy12 Fri 18-Sep-09 13:38:15

First of all, don't beat yourself up because he's an only. I'm an only and am not shy at all, never have been. But, you're going to have to take a deep breath and just force yourself to take him to some clubs - he'd be old enough for you to leave him there now, wouldn't he, if you couldn't face chatting. And just get someone over from school - they'll amuse themselves at that age. Don't feel sorry for him cos he's an only, but don't make things harder for him because you're suffering. Good luck

Northumberlandlass Fri 18-Sep-09 14:17:26

What are your DS interests ? Does he swim ? play football or rugby ? Like others have said your DS is now old enough to go to clubs without your supervision.

I have an only DS (6) and he does hip hop / karate / rugby / football / swimming and has his name down for Beavers.

I am not shy (so maybe I don't really appreciate how big a problem this is with you), but with an only I go out of my way to encourage him to socialise with his peers.

He must have some pals at school, can't you play after school at a local park ? We have a swing park nearby the school and a group of parents & kids usually play after school.

I don't want to sound unkind, but your son is lacking a social side to his childhood and it isn't really fair.

AMumInScotland Fri 18-Sep-09 14:27:22

The first thing to do is to stop yourself feeling awful, miserable, depressed etc about this situation. None of those things is going to make things any better for either of you. If that's not something which you can deal with on your own, then you really need to speak to your GP about counselling - you should not be getting into such a state about this issue, or feeling that you are helpless to do anything about it. And there are people who can help you with that, if you take a big step and let them.

Next, I'd second what others have said - at 8, your DS does not need you to socialise with his friends or their parents, so there is no need for this to be a social nightmare for you. You simply have to find him activities which he can do with other children - if something unstructured like the park or sports centre freaks you out, then find organised activiities.

Also remember, your DS has two parents - we all have different strangths and weaknesses, and if social situations are a problem for you, then his father can help to make up for that. He could take your son to beavers, sports club, whatever is around and interesting in your area.

miserableoldwoman Mon 28-Sep-09 20:56:06

sorry you are struggling.I am too.My daughter sadly gets left out at school and I am worried that it might be my fault because of my social problems ie not gelling with the other mums.Don't have any answers.Just have to keep trying I suppose.Sadly I haven't found people very friendly where we live!

EightiesChick Mon 28-Sep-09 21:10:34

I am an only child too. Bear in mind I'm describing growing up in the 70s, but my parents sent me to various things (swimming, Brownies, dance classes) at my age without really socialising with any of the other parents - all they did was drop me off and pick me up. As others have said, this is the way to go. Your DS will do the rest himself. And it'll be best if you get going with this soon, before he gets older and more self-conscious about things. At his age he is more likely to plunge in and make friends without really thinking.

Good luck!

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