Private school or move to Country to avoid DC's becoming drug dealing gang lords!

[bevlin]

OK, I sound nuts already and maybe I am but ever since my DS (2.3) was born I have worried myself sick about the area we live in or indeed the world!
Partly because my DH and I were brought up here - we know what goes on! Partly because I worked for the police for 12 years and partly because I look at the kids around and think, why bother putting any effort in, they are screwed by the time they are 10!
I could go on with a million reasons and I know people will say 'it's how you bring them up' but I beg to differ. Whilst working in the police I know that as many 'bad' kids come from good families now as there are so many more 'bad' families. A huge part of their personality comes from their peers.
Right, here's my dilema.....
We are towny's through and through. We lived within a one mile radias of where we are now, our parents (great babysitters) and friends and DH business are all here in town. We love it and are happy.
Im a stay at home mum and have made a life and new friends out of it and am due DC2 in January.
We have managed to sell our house and buy a plot of land for a good price and as my DS is in the building trade and can build it for a reasonable price - it will be a fantastic 5 bed, 3 public room family house with 3/4 acre garden complete with it's own woods in the countryside near a beach with amazing state schools in the near by village. Idillic sounding isn't it !
Probelm you spoilt bitch you may ask.....there is NOTHING else out there, what will I do all day on my own with no family or friends and two children under 4. Everything means driving and im used to everything being on my doorstep, walking and passing friends on the way. It's an exclusive development full of mega rich folk - scary and so far not friendly. You'd need to buzz the buzzer on your neighbours electric gates to see them! Not my world and not what we are used to.
Option 2) Sell it when built in approx 2 years and use whatever profit to fund private school on other side of city (which also means moving). My DH has no pension so this would be the most and prob only large sum of money he will be lucky (and we know we are lucky to have found it) to make so it's a huge deal, we are by no means rich and couldn't afford to pay the fee's monthly from our earnings.
We went to view the private school this morning and wow!!! The kids were so happy looking, very very polite, beautiful school and surroundings, so many opportunity's for them.
Problem is it's on the busy busy traffic side of city, would be a major nightmare every morning to get there and take 40-50 mins of sheer road rage. They are not allowed to get the school bus until they are 8. We'd then have to move to that side of city into a much smaller house than we would ever have as it's so expensive (city centre.
Ugh, I realise it's not life and death stuff here and Im sure people will roll eyes and say they'd love to have my problems, I know im lucky to have those two great opportunities BUT, it's which road to take to make sure my kids are happy and being a Libra, I can't decide which knickers to put on in the morning never mind what path my kids life's should take!
I was moved schools and areas 4 times in my childhood and it was hell and did nothing for my confidence or my brothers so I need to make this decision now. We are renting just now and are here for another 18 months while the house is being built. I have registered my DS at the local nursery for first year and sent application away today for private school primary one.
What's your thoughts if you haven't fallen asleep?
Even if nobody gives a sh*t, it was good to empty my busy head onto here!

[NoahAmin]

too long
my eyes my eyes

[MrsBadger]

[my eyes too but am making the effort]

Option A:
Sell the newbuild.
BUT as DH doesn't have a pension you actually can't afford school fees - you'll need the profit from the newbuild to fund his retirement, esp if you aren't working.
So stay in the current house and stop fussing about the prep - it's not viable. Go and see a normal local primary school - the kids may not be so very very polite but I bet they are happy. Then look around at your school options after 11 when it's more viable for them to travel further - independent may make sense then.

Option B:
Move into the newbuild.
In 2y your oldest child will be at school so send the younger one to preschool and get a job yourself to stop yourself being isolated and miserable stuck in the house all day.

either way you have 2y before you need to make a decision as the child is only 2 and the house is not yet built...

[bevlin]

Ha, I know re the length! My head is a scary place. I just get really obsessed when I have a decision to make and sometimes I have to off load when I over think!
I agree smallwhitecate, there are always going to to be problems but if you knew our local school, you'd be scrambling around right now trying to find a better option.
Why do you think parents who are sending their kids to private school for social reasons end up disappointed? I don't want him to be a particular way. I just want him to feel safer and not be swallowed up in gang culture. I don't want him to have the option of join the gang or live in fear of them because that is what it is getting like.

[snorkie]

How about option C

sell the house & buy somewhere else that's more 'normal' but has good state schools and not a rough area?

I agree with smallwhitecat - I heard once that drug dealers often target private schools as the children there have more money.

[MrsBadger]

so is there only one local primary you have a chance of getting a place at and it is awful?

have you been there recently? met the head? or just casting aspersions?

if you are renting (and hence have nothing to sell) could you move into the catchment of a better local school without making the leap to the country?

and (blunt but fair) what on earth possessed you to choose the current house if you knew it was in a shite catchment?

[MrsBadger]

NB my private school had no problem with drugs at all - the lower sixth could get you whatever you wanted...

[bevlin]

mrsbadger this is where we have always lived and without kids it's great. We are only renting so we stayed where we always have, right next to both our parents, family and friends for now. We were originally all set to move to the house in the country thats why it didn't matter when we chose this house to rent but now that im actually PG, reality has hit and Im just trying to decide where I should go. I suppose it's because we were at the private school this morning my head was buzzing, trying to decide what was best.
I am planning to go back to work when the kids are at school, just a personal choice for now. Mind you, out where the house is being built, id have to take up farming!!

[bevlin]

Oh very funny re drugs

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Can't read it all but IME kids at private schools have more money for more drugs. Nor is it a town only problem, I live in a village where apparantly there is a massive cocaine problem.

[bevlin]

Hmm right, I need to buy a house with a cellar - to lock the kids in until they are 25!

[paranoidmother]

OK We live in the countryside and believe me in our village of only 150 houses there are drug pushers - they travel between villages looking for the older kids.
All non villagers drive far too quick through the village so I don't dare let the kids out and about (not old enough either at the moment but as a kid I use to wonder round the village with friends)

The kid opposite goes to private school and is doing drugs much earlier than the local kids are. His parents know and they have the money and are giving it to him. Where ever you go there is a problem and I think the only thing you can do is educate your kids and hope they understand enough to ignore drugs.

[BikeRunSki]

On what basis do you assume there are no drugs in the countryside?

[bodeniites]

we live in a small market town surrounded by villages they are all heaving with drugs

[TheDMshouldbeRivened]

lodas of drugs in both private school and the countryside!

[Tambajam]

Haven't read all the posts but my rural childhood suggests drugs can be EVERYWHERE in the countryside. A massive problem at my brother's school (in a national park).

[bevlin]

Thanks for all your advice everyone. That is an eye opener and something to think about.
The place where the house is being built doesn't seem to have the problem of 40-50 kids hanging around in gangs. There's no traffic, it's set off road so they would have freedom on bikes etc. These are the things that appealed originally.
I think your right, I can't escape it but at the same time I can't help thinking either choice would give them a slightly better chance and a slightly safer childhood.
It is tempting though to be more positive and just live right here and do my best for them.
I seem to have opened 2 of these threads by mistake and being technically challanged have no idea how to merge - anyone know how?

[titchy]

Option C. Keep the new build and rent it out. Rent either pays for private school, or mortgage in a different area with decent state schools and 'nice' non-druggie kids. Once dcs have left home rent pays dh's pension

Right that one's sorted. Next.

[cory]

as someone who grew up in a small idyllic market town, I would suggest that the best protection against drugs is not looking for a drugfree place (Mars?), but making sure that there are plenty of other things for teens to do

[bevlin]

Ha, titchy, that would be nice.
Even though we got land for a steal (former developers/owners went bust) and DH can build cheaper than most, we will still not cover the morgage with rent. Nice idea though!
cory yes that is a very good point, living in small village as a teenager would drive you to take drugs!
The house is in a development on the outskirts of a small village with a small village school. The high school is in a busy market town near village so we would move that way later on if we move out yonder at all.
BUT, yes, would our then teenagers yearn for the bright lights with boredom.
Oh bloody hell, this is too hard. Think I will flip a coin!!

[Northumberlandlass]

Again, I grew up in the rural north in a beautiful market town with excellent schools..in fact once voted the best town in England...lots to do for kids etc etc

So, you know what I am going to say. Our town has drug problems / gangs of youths on the streets. I was 14 when I was first offered drugs and that was a LONG time ago. Apparently it is much worse now.

I went to state high school and had a lot of friends in private...guess what ? the kids in private schools had more opportunities to buy drugs.

I really think in this day & age, sadly drugs are everywhere. I think the answer (as said above) is making sure your kids have loads of things to do and that they are 'drug aware'.

xx

[missingtheaction]

having established that there are drugs everywhere - and as a country-raised convent schoolgirl I can back up what everyone else has said - you now have the choice of where to live.

Even though DH is a builder, you won't be living in that house for a year even if he starts tomorrow, will you?

Is there a village near your building site? with a pre-school/nursery etc? you may find there is a fabulous infrastructure. Do Tesco deliver? do you go to church? do you have a way in to the community? On the other hand if you really can't face it you could always sell the plot at a profit - if it's got PP they are rare as hen's teeth.

[bevlin]

Again, these last two points making me think twice, well....making me think far too much .
missingtheaction The village is a short walk across a field. The nursery is a car drive (5-8 mins) away in busy market town. The primary is in the nearby village above.
Tesco do deliver - I looked into that straight away, food shopping a pet hate! I don't go to church and my only way into the community will be through the kids. If they like drinking wine and the odd party/BBQ Im in, if not....Im moving back!
DH would sell DS before selling precious plot, it was my suggestion months ago when I got cold feet. I'll be here on my tod with 2 yr old and new baby while he is down there building the house evenings and weekends as he has his own joinery business during the week.
Northumberlandlass you probably have the best experience out of all the above posts. Your childhood place sounds just like the place im talking about. Village and nr by market town got excellent name and best schools around and is famous for being an excellent place to bring up kids.
Did you enjoy your childhood - are you glad your parents lived there or do you just remember being bored?
The only decision we have made since I first started this thread, is that this (where we are now) really would be a bad place to bring up kids, we'd be throwing them into the deep end and hoping they didn't drown!
So that option (staying where we love) is out - sadly.
Im painting a picture of a slum here, it's not.
It's a beautiful city and we are actually in a lovely area. It's the schools - they are big city schools and the high school takes in the worst possible areas as well as the good so a lot of the mums I know are having the same dilema as me. We keep hearing stories of people's friends kids getting to high school and the horror stories that follow. Everytime the subject of enrolling them for nursery and primary comes up, everyone rolls their eyes when we mention the High School.
God this is the most boring thread on here. Im very grateful for everyones advice though as I haven't half gone on .