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Are you and your DH/DP equal parents?

(13 Posts)
Sallypuss Mon 14-Sep-09 13:38:17

I ask because I nearly lost the will to live over the weekend. I'm the main breadwinner in our household. I have a good job and work 4 days a week. DH doesn't work at the moment. We have one DD who is 10 months. She spends 1 day and 3 mornings each week with a childminder and DH looks after her 3 afternoons.

At the weekends, DH has very little to do with DD unless we're going out as a family (rare) and automatically assumes that I will look after DD for the entire weekend. Whilst I adore DD and want to spend as much time with her as possible it irks me that DH behaves like he doesn't have children at the weekends - disappears to watch the grand prix for the afternoon yesterday then up to his 'office' to play on the computer etc on the assumption that I will do the childcare. Bit fed up if I'm honest of being primary earner, carer, cook, bill payer, laundress and everything else.

Anyone else got any experience of DHs/DPs who do similar and any advice?

meltedmarsbars Mon 14-Sep-09 13:48:16

Yep, its a male thing I think, the assumption is that all house/children things will be done automatically, just like the washing magicks itself back onto the clean pile and the dinner rises through the tablecloth, on time, ready to eat!

It is probably not even done deliberately, just never crosses his mind that someone has to do something to make all this happen.

I specifically ask dh to do things, like wash up, hang washing, change nappy, etc. If you let little things bother you then it will just become a bigger and bigger problem.

ginhag Mon 14-Sep-09 14:03:39

Umm...

I would have to say Sallypuss that your DH is being totally unfair. By the sounds of it he's getting lots of time to himself in the week, as your DD is with a childminder for a full day and 3 mornings...

My DP is not a saint, and I tend to do more at weekends, but he still pulls his weight. And he works fairly long hours, full-time.

I think you should talk to your DH and not just let him off with the 'men are like that' card. You deserve a bit more support!

ShowOfHands Mon 14-Sep-09 14:10:17

It's is not a man thing. It's a selfish thing.

My DH works very, very long hours and ridiculous shifts and while I completely encourage him to take time to himself when he's off work, he spends every possible minute he can with dd. Cooking, cleaning, reading, teaching, playing, dancing, entertaining etc. It is our home, she is our dd and out of love and respect we all contribute and willingly so. Too right.

Talk to him. It's not a man thing at all and while that myth is perpetuated then he feels justified in this behaviour.

BonsoirAnna Mon 14-Sep-09 14:14:55

Why are you cook and laundress if your DH is a SAHD?

In your position I would probably want my DD to myself for a large part of the weekend but would be dead annoyed if I had to do household chores!

ginhag Mon 14-Sep-09 14:16:19

Yep. showofhands you put it better than me.

I think a healthy relationship finds a 'division of labour' that works for them. It looks like you are doing everything sally and that is completely out of order.

I really don't like the mentality that men are programmed to be lazy bastards. DP also works long hours, but does everything he can to be home in time for DS's bath and stories. He also does all the cooking, as I am usually settling DS.

Weekends we both try and get a bit of time to ourselves, and both spend time with DS. It makes me angry that your DP thinks it's okay for you to do everything.

becaroo Mon 14-Sep-09 14:18:20

He is behaving like this because you let him.

Why does your dd go to nursery/CM for a full day and 3 mornings is your dh doesnt work???? Am confused.....does he do any work from home? What does he do when she is at nursery/CM?

I am a SAHM doing a part time degree and my dh works long hours but when he is here he is here. He plays, changes nappies, feeds etc etc.

If you want your dh to change (and I assume you do) then you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Good luck x

buttercreamfrosting Mon 14-Sep-09 14:21:27

I don't think it's a man thing either. I work full time and DH is a full time SAHD and works part time. We spend time as a family at the weekends and evenings when he's not working and pretty much share the 'childcare' and chores. I must say, I'm probably lazier than he is...

AstronomyDomine Mon 14-Sep-09 14:27:36

It was a man thing with DS's father but DP is fabulous - we share everything and both work full time.

Sallypuss Mon 14-Sep-09 21:05:23

Thanks all for the consensus view. I will be having the conversation when the timing's right.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Sep-09 21:15:36

So, Sally, if you don't like it, why do you put up with it ?

EmilyBrownlovesStanley Tue 15-Sep-09 11:30:26

"It was a man thing with DS's father but DP is fabulous"

Then clearly it's not a "man thing" unless your DP a woman.

Orissiah Tue 15-Sep-09 12:30:06

It is clearly not a "man" thing but a "selfish" thing as someone else has posted. My DH works fulltime, long hours at a City job, lots of travel abroad and yet he is so close to our DD. Even while I was on maternity leave he did most of the night feeds (formula baby) so he could bond with her; he looks after her during the weekends if I am away and I look after her if he's away; when we are together we spend it as a family and he certainly plays with her more than I do; he also does his share of the cooking and cleaning as I am also fulltime. He is a star and a man.

If he can do it, any man can.

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