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Why are girls so nasty?

(20 Posts)
gramber Wed 09-Sep-09 23:53:40

My 9 year old has just started Middle school and her best friend of 4 years has turned on her - won't speak to her or play with her, getting other girls involved. My daughter cannot think of anything she has done/said to cause this and is absolutely distraught - therefore so am I! Not sure how to best handle this. Should I trust it will sort itself out, get involved? Help! It breaks my heart to see my daughter so upset - God, wasn't it easier when we could kiss it all better! Thanks

logi Thu 10-Sep-09 01:23:00

Hi gramber,i went through all this when my girls were young and i wouldnt like to do it again,sounds like your dd is sensitive i had dd1 like that ,but dd2 was better at giving as good as she got lol.I would see if it blows over ,it usually does if not then maybe get involved.

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 10-Sep-09 07:39:01

Girls do seem to be like this. My dd is only 8, but, she has an awful time with her on off best friend. I personally loathe the child but would never say that to my girl. It has got to the stage where mine wants to buy devil girl presents all the time and it's a one way street. Devil child is (or at least would be if I aquiesed to dd's requests) happy to take gifts, attention etc but it's a one way street.
I'd sit back and let it play itself out, only intervene if it becomes bullying.
Good luck, it does tear your heart out doesn't it?

MaryBS Thu 10-Sep-09 07:41:14

My 9yo is struggling too. She is a lovely sweethearted girl, but some of her friends have turned on her, and are extremely b*tchy. She is very hormonal herself and is crying as soon as anyone says anything hurtful.

EmilyBrownlovesStanley Thu 10-Sep-09 09:32:42

I'd have a word with the teacher.

MitchyInge Thu 10-Sep-09 09:34:45

that sounds like last year for my daughter, it was an awful awful time - however, a few days in to yr6 and it is all very different. Hang in there!

RumourOfAHurricane Thu 10-Sep-09 10:57:17

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FernieB Thu 10-Sep-09 11:21:25

Firstly 37 is not ancient - I turn that myself in a few weeks! (Although yesterday one of my DD's said I was 27 - I think that was only so she could watch Hannah Montana).

My 9yo DD's are the same as are their friends. They have one friend who is very manipulative and they both come home from school and have a good moan about her, yet persist in doing everything to be her friends. I try not to get involved as I tend to think they are all as bad as each other.

I found that if I tried to offer advice, I somehow end up being blamed for everything, so I now largely switch off when they moan and just nod every now and then. The days when they hang around with the boys there are no problems.

Pyrocanthus Thu 10-Sep-09 11:30:26

I wouldn't stand back and let them get on with it - it's not acceptable behaviour, they don't all do it, and if they do they should be told in no uncertain terms that it's wrong.

If we decide that all girls are nasty and there's nothing we can do about it, then it becomes acceptable to behave badly. I think there's a lot of fear of being isolated from the group amongst girls, which leads some of them to try and control it by deciding who and cannot be a member. Others go along with excluding a particular child because they're afraid of being pushed out themselves.

gramber - make sure your DD knows that it's nothing to do with her or anything she's done - it's the other child's insecurities that are the problem. Speak to her teacher - it's tended to work on a temporary basis at least at my DD's school.

Please excuse the rant, but I don't think we should leave our girls to work out how to behave on their own.

Tortington Thu 10-Sep-09 11:34:21

my daughter has has experiences like this, i always encouraged her to have more than one friend though. i told my dd to find a new best friend becuase i wouldnt want a mean person as my best friend.

so she did - but mean girl always showed up regulary in the trails and tribulations

it is upsetting at the time - but looking back its really not that big of a deal - all you can do is tell them to find a better friend

thedolly Thu 10-Sep-09 11:34:47

Perhaps they have out-grown each other and no longer have shared interests (or whatever it was that made them friends in the first place).

I would tell her to give it time. Middle School is a big step and there are lots more children for everyone to be friends with.

Don't necessarily assume that her BF is 'nasty' - she may be struggling to adjust to the new environment and therefore making some bad choices.

If you put it to your DD like this it may help her to leave the channels of communication open rather that cutting herself off.

Good luck smile.

RumourOfAHurricane Thu 10-Sep-09 11:34:56

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MitchyInge Thu 10-Sep-09 11:41:06

it's also difficult when you only hear one side of the story - you can't assume it's all entirely unprovoked (which is not to justify the behaviour at all) but it can help to find out as much as possible about the wider context

simply by going back for more and more I think my daughter was at least partly responsible for the hurt feelings she kept experiencing, it was a horrible lesson to learn but with the help of her teachers (rearranging seating plans for example) we've widened her friend pool considerably

Pyrocanthus Thu 10-Sep-09 11:53:20

No, not for every spat, diamond, but we do need to help our daughters deal with their anxieties without upsetting other children, and teachers should be aware if one child is being cut out of a group so that it doesn't all get too Lord of the Flies.

And though I don't relate to a lot of the 'school gate' stuff on here, it does give the impression that some adults hanging around the playground are still struggling to work this out for themselves...

RumourOfAHurricane Thu 10-Sep-09 11:57:16

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millenniumfalcon Thu 10-Sep-09 11:58:10

do you know bf's mum? if you're on good speaking terms i'd approach her.

Pyrocanthus Thu 10-Sep-09 12:08:34

I've obviously approached your name a bit arse about face, Shiney/Diamond. At least I didn't call you Crazy...

RumourOfAHurricane Thu 10-Sep-09 12:18:42

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mathanxiety Thu 10-Sep-09 18:19:54

There's a book called Queen Bees and Wanna Be's. The author's surname is Wiseman, I think, and it gives a good insight into this horrible phenomenon and the devastating effects it can have on the victim of this sort of bullying. I recommend you read the book; it would be nice if you could get your DD's teacher interested in it too. Some girls in the middle school years are extremely nasty and play power games that would make Henry Kissinger blush. The respectful girls in the class are often terrorised by a little clique of 'queen bees'.

gramber Thu 10-Sep-09 19:11:03

Loads of helpful advice - I have approached bfs mother today, to see if bf had mentioned anything about them 'falling out'. Sounds like bf is having trouble settling, perhaps insecure as she is no longer in my daughters class, being little fish in big pond etc. My daughter still had a terrible day however. I agree that this behaviour shouldn't be accepted as the norm, but it's trying to find that balance I suppose between trusting them to sort things out, and intervening when it goes too far. Hopefully I'll get it right by the time my youngest daughter gets there! Thanks everyone!

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