Feel bad DS irritating me so much

[whethergirl]

DS is 4, only child and I'm single parent. He is quite a well behaved kid, which makes me feel really bad for feeling so irritated by him so much recently. I seem to have got myself into this terrible habit of verbalising my irritation which I know is the wrong thing to do, and I just feel I'm nagging him over the silliest of things sometimes. Never thought I'd find being a mum so hard, but sometimes, it just really gets on my nerves, the little things for eg (sorry this is gonna be long, but need to get it off my chest!).

Playing with him. I used to make a real effort but now I avoid it because he either wants to play with trains which bores the hell out of me, or we'll play a game where he refuses to play properley.

When I go on the phone and he tries to talk to me, it drives me mad especially as I've told him so many times, just don't do it.

He is very talkative, which is great when I've got the time and energy, but otherwise I just find it really draining, and sorry to say it, but he just sometimes whittles on about all sorts of nonsense that I can't even comprehend and it just irritates me. Also I snap at him when I'm trying to concentrate and all I can hear is "MUM! MUM! LOOK! LOOK! LOOOOOK!" then I look to see he is trying to show me something really amazing like a bogie on the end of his finger. I have developed a terrible habit of just going "SHHHHHHHHH!" when I just don't want to hear what he has to say. It feels as though I can never finish a though in my head without him interuppting.

It irritates me so much when he makes these really stupid horrible noises. Like massive fake burp type of noises.

When he makes a mess for no reason at all. It's one thing because he's been playing, but I absoloutely HATE IT when I see him just kick a toy across the living room for no reason at all.

When I have to keep repeating myself, I just get louder and crosser each time.

I get SO impatient because he takes too long to do stuff, (basic things like getting dressed etc).

etc etc

And I have found myself using the following catchphrases which I hate:

"OH for gods sake!"
"What is wrong with you?"
"ALRIGHT! OK!"
All in a overly irritable voice

And I know that it's ok to get annoyed sometimes because I'm only human, but feeling like I am overdoing it.

Normally I do it until he gets upset and says something like "Please don't be cross with me" at which point do I feel enough regret to stop feeling irritable, give him a cuddle, and say something like "sorry I've been so grumpy". Terrible parenting, I know.

This isn't the kind of parent I wanted to be! And what's worse is, that even if I do manage to rectify myself, I still feel bad that it's not coming naturally.

[sunburntats]

you are describing me and probably lots of other reluctant mums.

It is bad, i feel terrible.
much worse when i am due my period.
much worse when i had depression and wasnt aware that was what was wrong with me. Veyr intollerant.

Every single moment of every day is a monumental effort.
every thing my son does has the potentail to bug me.

I compare my self to others all of the time.
my sister for example is like this with her son, but x100 worse. This is distressing to witness.
My mother was like this with us, i am adamant that she should never have had children.
so bieng on the end of it, i know how it feels to be inconveneinet to someone, to be in their way and to be an irritant to them, for just bieng around.

I never wanted this for my son, yet i find myself doing these things.

ads helped me ALLOT (off them now) i became far more tolerant and kinda looked at life from his persepctive. wont use the phone till he is in bed. go out to do things with him rather than play in doors. lots of pals kids round for him for company.
it is doable and you can get better at it.

[whethergirl]

Thank you sunburntats, and very similiar in that I do get very bad PMT (erm..that was last weeks excuse though, can't use it today!) and I am on ad's, have had depression on and off for years. In fact, spoke to my dr only today about possibly increasing doseage around PMT time to help.

And my mum was also like this, I always remember her being very angry with me and would hit me. And so even as a child I used to promise myself that I would NEVER turn out like that! And I'm nowhere near as bad she was, but sometimes when I act as though my son is an annoyance, I remember how horrible that used to feel.

Ironic thing is, she is totally opposite with my ds, spoiling him rotten, over protecting him, never disciplining him even if he needs it and so he can be a bit of a brat when she is around, but that's another issue!

[Othersideofthechannel]

4 yr old boys are hard work and chatterboxes can be quite draining too.

I think it is good that you are apologising if you have got irritated when he hasn't actually done anything wrong. You're setting a good example.

When I felt myself getting irritable, and I knew it was just me, I would stick on a DVD and go and do something that would calm me down/give me a break.

I sometimes tell DS (who is 6 now) that I need to listen to my thoughts for a bit, set the kitchen timer and tell him he can tell me what he wants to say in 15 minutes. Also listening to childish chatter is alot easier if you think about the people whose children can't talk to them.

HTH

[junglist1]

Mine go on and on and on about complete drivel. It's awful especially when you have other problems on your mind. You're not alone

[whethergirl]

Thanks Othersideofthechannel, I mean I couldn't say he is really naughty or anything (although he is prone to tantrums and general pig headedness) but yes the incessant chatting about the most trivial of things can be very draining. I mean sometimes he says something really funny, or really amazing - but mostly just waffle! Do you mean people whose children can't talk to them because of disabilities?

I also notice that he never fails to shout "MUUUUUM" as soon as I start brushing my teeth, go in the shower, sit on the loo, walk down the path to put the bins out or I'm in a big rush to get out of the house.

junglist1, I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't stand the drivel sometimes, but other things annoy me too, like how he goes about all day like a stunt man. Say for example he has to make the short journey from the kitchn to the living room, he will crash into the cupboard doors, dive down the corridor, karate chop the door and then roll across the floor (breaking fragile toys along the way). It bugs me because it feels invasive to me, just the visual sight of it and listening to all the crashing and banging.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Yes, I mean because of disabilities.

He sounds quite verbally advanced so will probably be able to understand if you say that when you are brushing your teeth, in the toilet etc you can't chat and that when you are in the shower you can't hear. Whether he'll remember is a different question.

I find it helpful if you help DCs come up with the ideas. Eg next time he's been chatting away through the shower door, as soon as you get out say 'DS, sometimes in the day it's difficult for me to listen to you. Like when I'm having a shower, I can't hear you and it's frustrating for both of us. Can you think of any other times?' Then when you've got a list, you could maybe turn it into a poster and he could illustrate it. Make he knows he can come and talk to you at these times when there is an emergency.

I'm afraid young boys do move around like stunt men a lot of the time. It's one of those things you just have to ignore although could you work on him getting into the habit of moving his fragile toys first?

Could you turn this into a game? - like when you're both going upstairs at bed time, you play follow my leader. This'll give you a chance to model fun but more graceful ways of moving about like pretending you're a tightrope walker.

Does he never ever walk from A to B in the house normally?

[movingnow]

You are definitely not alone, you could be describing me

[whethergirl]

Thanks Othersideofthechannel, good post and nice ideas. Thing is, I have read a million parenting books and come up with a load of ideas myself but I just seem to take the 'easy' option of just getting irritated. Not always, but sometimes it's hard work having to explain everything and not always in the mood for a game! But I definitely am going to try harder because I just don't like it that he thinks he annoys me

And actually, whenever I do see a documentary about a child with special needs or disabilities I do feel more appreciative that at least he can talk and walk. Even when he is ill, I wish he could be back to his annoyingly chatty self!!

Yes he can and does walk normally - although come to think of it he is quite accident prone anyway, not sure how normal it is though. Do you think I should always ignore it? Sometimes I tell him to just walk properley or stop crashing into things.

He crashed into some plastic stacked draws earlier which fell on top of him, spilling all the contents (toys) and scratched his arm. He was really upset and crying loads, funny enough, I am actually good in situations like this. I didn't get annoyed at all, just gave him lots of cuddles and told him it was an accident, didn't rub it in with the 'I told you so'. I think if I actually see him upset then my sympathy for him overtakes my angry feelings. It's not really the big things, even tantrums I'm quite calm and cope well, but it's just the little things that seem to do my head in.

[Othersideofthechannel]

I suppose I thought that if he never moved around normally that it might be something to be concerned about but if it is just 70 per cent of the time it is probably just normal 4 yr old boy behaviour - all that energy to use up.

I think it is one of those things you have to turn a blind eye to as long as he's not damaging other people's stuff or doing it a particularly dangerous place ie the kitchen when you are cooking.

[mrsruffallo]

I think you need to realise that it is you who needs to change, not your child. Childhood is so important and their self esteem is set during these years. Try to remember that and be patient with him.
Accept this is how life is at the moment, it won't last forever. Accept the mess and the playing and get stuck in. Show him how interesting you find him and how much fun he is, how amazed you are by him.
Good luck

[whethergirl]

mrsruffallo, I do realise it's me and not him which is why I posted in the first place. Motherhood doesn't come naturally and easily to everyone, especially if we did not have a good experience of it in our own childhoods. Not being defensive, because I do appreciate your post and actually it's probably what I need to hear. Bearing in mind that I'm obviously only revealing a very small part of our relationship and have not come on here to tell everyone all the things I'm great at as a mum, because they are not things that concern me. But yes I'm sure I can manage to improve, I just wish it would come more naturally.

[mrsruffallo]

whethergirl, no need to be defensive, I am sure you are a great mummy in many many ways. I thought my post was quite supportive, I can't read any criticism in it all.
What I trying to do was to give you advice that might possibly go through your head when you are feeling impatient.
If you train yourself in that way it can become natural, just takes some practice.