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Please please advise.... how realistic/unrealistic am i being??

(23 Posts)
QueenofVenus Tue 08-Sep-09 10:44:05

Have kicked dp out, he violently assaulted me in front of my 3 small children 2 weeks ago, they traumatised but thankfully getting over it. He took 6/7 months talking me into having a baby with him (my 3 from prev rel) and im now 4 months pregnant, cant possibley get rid, even if i wanted to, i just couldnt do it, so im fully planning on telling the world its not his baby, i dont know who the babys's dad is, and his name will CERTAINLY NOT be going on the birth certificate!! Im terrified of him, and i dont ever ever ever want to see him or hear from him again, what are my chances of success with that?? Am i kidding myself???? xxx

mumblechum Tue 08-Sep-09 10:46:24

Presumably he knows that you're pregnant? Are you quite sure it's not his baby? If it is actually his baby, be prepared for him making an application to court for contact (DNA tests will clear up any question of paternity).

I think if I were you I'd be moving far away from him.

QueenofVenus Tue 08-Sep-09 11:03:59

It is his baby, i know it and he knows it, but im going to lie, i need to protect my kids! What rights does he have? Weve never been married by the way.

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 08-Sep-09 11:04:58

and if he is as violent as he seems, I'd be at the police station making a report about him.
Good luck and do stick to your guns.

bigchris Tue 08-Sep-09 11:05:23

I don't see how you can lie about it if he already knows tbh

mumblechum Tue 08-Sep-09 11:10:41

I think you're being a bit unrealistic, unfortunately. He can, as I said earlier, go to court to get a contact order and will be successful unless you can persuade the judge that the child would be at risk, given his violence, but even then contact will probably be given, but in a supervised setting at a contact centre.

There's no point in pretending it's not his child, DNA tests will prove it.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 08-Sep-09 11:11:30

Message withdrawn

PortAndLemon Tue 08-Sep-09 11:18:59

You don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. If he wanted to he could apply for a declaration of paternity and for parental responsibility.

At a minimum you need to ensure that his assault on you is clearly on record so that it can be raised as evidence in any legal proceedings (e.g. around contact).

You could "disappear" / move a long way away before your baby is born in the hope that he wouldn't find you in order to apply for parental responsibility. But unless you cut off all contact with your own family there'd always be a chance he could find you.

QueenofVenus Tue 08-Sep-09 11:27:45

Can he legally get me to do a DNA test, i have heard so much confliction re this, alot of people say he has NO rights whatsoever, and he cannot legally make me do a DNa test on this baby??????

mumblechum Tue 08-Sep-09 11:31:08

Yes, he can. He can file an application for parental responsibility and contact in the county court and within that application, the judge will, if you're still denying paternity, order a DNA test (mouth swab).

I'm a lawyer specialising in family law by the way.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 08-Sep-09 11:31:50

Message withdrawn

PortAndLemon Tue 08-Sep-09 11:34:44

I think (but you need legal advice!) that the standard of proof required for a declaration of paternity is the balance of probabilities. So if he can show that you were living together at the time that the baby was conceived, and you don't have any evidence to show that he's not the father, then if you refused a DNA test there's a good chance he'd just get the declaration of paternity anyway on the basis of being the probable father (but I am not an expert).

PortAndLemon Tue 08-Sep-09 11:35:34

(cross-posted with mumblechum, who is an expert)

sandcastles Tue 08-Sep-09 12:08:14

If you lie to the rest of the world, you also have to lie to your unborn baby.

How long can you lie to him/her for? What about when they start asking questions?

I understand that you want to disassociate with him, but starting a life long lie about your child's parentage is wrong & will lead to alot of pain in the future for you & your baby!

QueenofVenus Tue 08-Sep-09 18:54:46

I understand that lying is not good, that lying to my child is even worse, but ultimately i am protecting him/her from a psycho. His ex-wife spent months telling me how she endured 17 years of abuse, and that he raped her on two occasions! I of course just saw her as a bitter ex, i know have more belief in her. They have a son together who is 6, he managed to get joint custody of him, much to the horror of his ex. And that child sat and watched when ex-dp attacked me, and he never even bat an eye-lid sad he just got his DS out and started playing - like he was just used to it. Im NOT prepared to let this child go through it too, if that means i have to lie, and deceive that so be it, but this man is truly psychotic, and i NEED to protect my children! Im disappointed that he has these rights, he shouldnt even have rights to a bloody goldfish!! What if i claim another man is the father? the father to my other children? what if i do a DNA test but swab the mouth of one of my other 3?? put there dads name on the birth certificate? Would that work? I know it sounds like madness, but i NEED this man to stay away from me and my kids!

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 08-Sep-09 21:10:59

Message withdrawn

EldonAve Tue 08-Sep-09 21:22:13

I doubt the this man will believe you if you try to lie about the patenity

EldonAve Tue 08-Sep-09 21:22:22

I doubt the this man will believe you if you try to lie about the paternity

sandcastles Wed 09-Sep-09 03:48:33

Whatever you do, DO NOT name another man as your unborns father! Better to name no-one than live that lie.

sandcastles Wed 09-Sep-09 03:53:32

So would you tell your others dc's father that this was your intention? Or wait until your dc4 is old enough to call him dad & let him wonder WTF is going on? Or have your younger child wonder why 'daddy' takes the older children out, but not him/her!

I do understand your need to get this guy out of your life, but you have a child together, some part of you needs to realise that you may never be rid of him altogether.

You need legal advice asap, but in the meantime do not use another man's name.

sandcastles Wed 09-Sep-09 03:55:23

And as far as I am aware, unless your other kids dad goes with you to register the birth, you cannot get him name on the certificate. (Am willing to be told this has changed in the years I have been out of the UK)

But regardless, you stand to hurt alot of people if you do that!

mathanxiety Wed 09-Sep-09 05:22:30

Don't run the risk of you ending up looking worse than him by lying. You need to stand and fight, not run and lie. Agree police and Womens Aid are the way to go for a 'paper trail' as to his violent propensities.

MrsMagnolia Wed 09-Sep-09 11:58:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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