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Parenting

Has anybody ever contemplating leaving their children?

59 replies

lulu41 · 01/09/2009 14:45

I know as a mother you are not supposed to do this. I love my dcs with all my heart and would miss them terribly but I wont to move out of london and their whole lives are here with their father. Our relationship is over for good and I want to be as far away from him as possible but I dont wont a custody battle as I know there would be so am considering leaving them behind.

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lynniep · 01/09/2009 14:49

I'm sorry but no. My mother did this and I cannot get my head around it. If you love them with all your heart then you would fight for them. I'm sure there are women out there who feel this way though - wasnt there a recent tv program on it? How old are the dcs?

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GColdtimer · 01/09/2009 14:51

No, sorry I don't think I ever could, but then I haven't been in your shoes. Why would you not fight for custody?

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lulu41 · 01/09/2009 14:53

they are 6 and 11. No strength left for a fight just want to end all the stress for all of us

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Pinkjenny · 01/09/2009 14:54

Absolutely not, I can't forsee any situation that would mean I would leave without them. Ever.

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brimfull · 01/09/2009 14:55

no dh's mother leftwhen he was 7 for exact reasons you said .
It is not somehitng I could do to my children.

Get over him by other means than distance.

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madeupsurname · 01/09/2009 14:57

Poor you, lulu, you sound very sad.

There are ways to arrange custody without going to court - a lot of people to go mediation to discuss access arrangements.

There's no reason why you couldn't live outside london and still have your DCs with you for part of each week.

Do you think you might be a bit depressed? (Sorry if this sounds patronising or just completely thick.) These situations are incredibly stressful, and it's hard to make big decisions about the future when you are feeling overwhelmed.

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sunburntats · 01/09/2009 14:58

erm yes.

i was suffering from depression. I was not in my right mind.
was looking at going to work in Saudi, alone. sending all my wage home. visits twice a year.

was in a very evry very dark and desperate place,
luckily i have a wonderful dh who made it all ok again for me, that and ads got my head working properly again.

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IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 01/09/2009 15:00

I wouldn't leave my children over geography. I did consider it because ill health prevents me from being the kind of parent I think dd deserves.

If I thought that my dp could be a better parent than me I would allow him to raise dd.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 15:01

No strength left to fight for your children?

Do you want harsh reality or there there comments?

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GColdtimer · 01/09/2009 15:01

I think you have to think about what is more important. Being far away from your ex or being close to your DCs. Surely being close to your DCs has to take priority? You sound worn out from it all but you can't just run away from it all, as much as you would like to.

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lulu41 · 01/09/2009 15:19

knew what I would get with this question so wont bother coming back to this thread - thanks for your comments and I dont suppose for one miute I will have the strenght to leave I will just stay like so many faceless women and become more and more miserable every day until the day I die when perhaps my childen will be glad that I did because i am sorry miserable

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LuluMaman · 01/09/2009 15:24

don't disappear

mothers admitting they don't want their children is the ultimate taboo

it is not something i personally would / could contemplate, i would imagine that you , lulu41, are currently feeling low and depressed and trapped

i thikn that leaving london & your DCs and seeing them sporadically will hurt you all in the short and long term

how does your ex feel? would he want full time residency?

at 6 & 11 your children are going to remember you and you leaving

i think you shoud talk to someone and go through this before you make life altering and shattering decisions

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Buda · 01/09/2009 15:25

You sound very depressed. I think you need to focus on that and get some help for it and then try and remove as many of the negatives from your current situation as possible. By that I mean look at ways you can improve things. Could you move to the outskirts of London or somewhere in the home counties so that your children are still near their dad?

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 15:30

People will help you, no need to be stroppy and martyr like, but you have to be open about what you want and how you feel.

You will get a huge range of responses and you wont like all of them but that is the chance you take when you post for advice on any subject.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 15:31

And actually, I have wanted to walk out but I know I never would.

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lulu41 · 01/09/2009 15:39

stroppy and martyr like - wtf - dont want posts from you or your kind - in fact dont worry about this post it was only a question I aint going anywhere - go back to your FAB life

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Pinkjenny · 01/09/2009 15:44

lulu41 - this is a very emotive subject, you must have anticipated some negative responses, surely.

I hope you find some strength and resolution.

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GColdtimer · 01/09/2009 15:45

lulu, you sound sad, angry, depressed and like life has just got to much for you. Are you getting any help or real life support? I am sorry you don't like some of the responses on here. What do you think you were you hoping for when you posted your OP?

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IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 01/09/2009 15:46

I dont think you sound stroppy or martyr like , but I dont think you are thinking straight which could be depression or just a reaction to dealing with a stressful breakup.

Does your ex want the children to live with him?

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GColdtimer · 01/09/2009 15:46


That was a genuine question btw, I didn't mean it to be provocative.
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TheChilliMooseisyourfriend · 01/09/2009 15:48

My mum left her children and moved abroad (before I was born in her second marriage) and my brother do have a problem with it.
However, I have considered it myself, but not because of a relationship problem with my DH, but because I just feel that I cannot cope sometimes.
You say you would stay geographically close, and that is good. If their father is able able to cope and it means that both parents can be happy apart, and the children aren't witness to arguing etc, then I think it is a positive thing in this specific situation.

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melmog · 01/09/2009 15:49

You can't be for real.
I'm sure there are many women in similar positions to you but they wouldn't come on here, asking for advice, then being a total arse.
You did sound depressed initially, now you sound like a stroppy teenager.

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Lizzylou · 01/09/2009 15:52

I agree with Lulu, you are obviously very low if you are even contemplating this.

But you must know that this is not the way forward for you or your children.

Divorce/seperations happen, but your children need you, try and get some help to get strong and stay with your children, not necessarily their Father.

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IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 01/09/2009 15:53

I personally couldn't do it but I have a freind who did and she cannot and never will ever forgive herself for it honestly, if you are already that desperately low then this would I believe possibly make things much much worse.
My friend did what she thought was the best thing at the time and in a way I can see why she felt she had to do it and would never judge her on it (and she judges herself very harshly on it believe me) she was in a drastic place with utter misery stretching before her but she would, I can promise you, be the first person to tell you to fight for your children.
She still sees her ds a lot but she can never make it up to him that she left.

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mamadiva · 01/09/2009 15:53

Lulu41 I think your last post actually totally justifies BakerGirl's comment don't you?

Now this is going one of 2 ways:-1)You are a troll 2)You do genuinely need help and advice

I can assure you if you start giving over a strop with people you won't get anything but criticism and rightly so but if you do genuinely want help then calm down and try to give a bit more information so people can understand your circumstances more and give a more informed judgement!

With regards to your OP I have a very close friend who actually left her partner and children when they were just under 4 years old, now for a long time I thought it was not right but witha bit of background I actually do believe she did what was best for her children at the time because she was at rock bottom with depression and could hardly care for herself let alone 2 children.

If this is like your situation then my heart really goes out to you as it simply is the toughest decision you will ever make but by the sounds of it regardless of what happens with your children you need to get away from your partner even if it is just for a few weeks and he could keep the children to give youa bit of thinking space?!

Does that sound like something you could do?

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