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If you are not 'allowed' any more do you think your DH/P knows how you feel?

(17 Posts)
peppapighastakenovermylife Mon 31-Aug-09 20:19:10

DH has categorically said no more babies. Very adament about it. I have accepted what he says and his reasons behind it but not come to terms with it if that makes sense.

I am not trying to change his mind but just wish he could understand how I feel. There are often posts about this on here and I was wondering if anyone else managed to get through to their partners what having another baby / not having another baby really meant to them.

It doesnt help that my DH is possibly a bit Asperger's. He doesnt really understand when other people have emotions he doesnt. I know he doesnt 'get' how I feel and is being very insensitive about the whole matter. For example when I cuddle a friends baby I get a stern 'dont think you are having any more' or when I see a gorgeous baby gro ' you wont be needing that will you'. He is trying to get me to give away all the baby stuff (DD is nearly 1 and I just cant).

He isnt a horrible person - he isnt trying to make me upset and seems confused when I then get upset hmm. He doesnt really get sentimental or emotional about things - which is great in a panic (as he doesnt) but bad when you need understanding. Any ideas how I could get him to understand how much it upsets me? Don't get me wrong - I have two gorgeous children who mean the world to me and I know I am extrmely lucky and that some people feel a lot lot worse than me. He wants a vasectomy which I have talked him out of for now as it would be so final sad.

Any ideas? And on the topic, how did you come to terms with a definite no? I am only 27 - all my friends are starting to have children and as DH and I are both only children (I am an only child of only children) there are no other babies or possible babies in the family for me to be a fab aunty to. We have no family at all close by and I am only just starting to realise how important they are (after only really having my parents growing up).

robino Mon 31-Aug-09 20:35:59

Watching with interest Peppa but no answer for you either.

After DD1 OH wanted 3 (or more), when pregnant with DD2 he was still saying he'd have more while I said " let's see how two go" (but suspected I'd want another).

DD2 is now 14 months and we're rapidly approaching the time I'd like to conceive no. 3 (in an ideal world, obviously) because there's only 18 months between DD1 and 2 and I wouldn't want a much bigger gap between 2 and 3 and OH has turned into a categoric NO.

I thought I'd be fine with this, know that I should be fine with this but really don't think I am going to be sad. I keep welling up at the thought that this is it - and this so unlike me that I almost don't feel "like me" at the moment. I don't think he quite gets it but I'm not entirely sure I get his "no" either. Although will accept it, obviously. At a bit of a loss at the moment to be honest...

Hope you get some more constructive help but thought you should know you're not alone.

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 20:38:17

DH was a categoric 'no more' after ds2 whereas I amone of three and didn't feel done.

DS3 is nearly 1

TheDMshouldbeRivened Mon 31-Aug-09 20:38:50

yes because I told him. But he has said no. He's too scared of what happenend to dd happening again sad
But I cant get over wanting another.

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 20:39:29

He still isn't going for the snip - which I suggested after ds2 if he thought he wanted no more.......

I hope that you can cometo some sort of compromise

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 20:39:55

oh riven

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes Mon 31-Aug-09 20:42:27

Yes he does and I know he feels awful about it but I also understand his reasons for saying no more children. We have been in counselling for issues in our relationship and the no children statement ( dd isnt his) has been a huge cause of resentment in our relationship on both sides

liath Mon 31-Aug-09 20:45:25

I don't think DH can or ever will be able to feel what I feel. He has decided no more kids for purely logical reasons & I'm the one stuck having to come to terms with the craving and broodiness. I wish I was more like him TBH because with my sensible head on I know he's right. But I'll never be able to get him to truly understand how I feel.

But at least he's agreed to getting a dog as a consolation prize for me hmm. Not that I'm bitter or anything...

robino Mon 31-Aug-09 20:47:35

There isn't really a compromise though, is there Popsycal? Unless you do what my friend did when she wanted a cat and her DH didn't, they "compromised" and got 2 grin.

I just suspect that usually if you end up with another (oh that sounds wrong but you know what I mean) then it works out and usually isn't regretted whereas if you don't have another then one partner does have a regret. Don't even know if I'm making sense, finding this hard to think through.

Riven - sad

smugmumofboys Mon 31-Aug-09 20:57:17

No. I don't think he'll ever get it.

And I don't think I'll ever quite get over it. sad

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 21:00:04

It is so hard isn't it? Eventhough ds2 nearly finished me off mentally and physically, I still remember the horrendous feelings about wanting another. Just when we threw everything away and I began coming to terms with it, ds3 happened. We are genuinely still not totally sure how

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 21:00:31

have i broken MN

popsycal Mon 31-Aug-09 21:01:02

weird MN wentweird then
finenow

peppapighastakenovermylife Mon 31-Aug-09 21:08:36

Oh Riven sad

Without sounding awful - I feel very comforted knowing you feel the same (not that I want to wish it on anyone). Everyone has described it perfectly.

DH is very logical - if we had another we would have less money, less space, more logistical problems. I also have awful pregnancies, pnd, run down with babies that dont sleep etc. He feels it is too much for me to go through that again but surely if its me doing it and I am happy to...but there we go.

I understand and respect his decision. He thinks we should enjoy the two we have but my argument is that if we enjoy these two so much then why not make more if we could. Its the one area of life where you are allowed to have more of what you want as such.

I am kind of hoping that if I have 10 ish years left then he may change his mind but I dont think so. I just wish he would try and understand and therfore be more sympathetic.

Thank you for listening though smile

TheDMshouldbeRivened Tue 01-Sep-09 03:39:12

men can be logical cant they. But it doesn't help the feelings. I'm 41, time is running out. But he is adamant. I know he's being sensible and it would be hard looking after dd and a new baby but that doesn't stop the broodiness and the desperate desire to experience a 'normal' baby. My first 3 were born within 3 years and I never felt I got to enjoy them. It was all systems go at full pelt. So waited 8 years for dd. And its been hell with her and so far from normal I still haven't enjoyed it or felt relaxed.
Sigh. But he doesn't understand.

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 01-Sep-09 07:57:22

It must be very hard Riven sad.

Obviously my situation is different to yours but things you say do ring true. Its that desperate stomach churning longing / broodiness, especially when I hold a newborn. I had two in two years when I was really busy studying and having to work as well. I was stressed out and had bad pnd and just feel I could enjoy it so much more now.

I have just started a full time job (although very flexible as in academia so will be home more than typically in a full time job) and I really dont want to go now. If she is my last baby I want to sit here and savour every second. He doesnt understand that either though so I am stuck. He drives me crazy with his inabiltiy to see how I feel - he doesnt miss them that much when he is at work so why would I? ARGH!

shellmc Wed 02-Sep-09 17:31:46

I just want to add to your thread, Im in the same situation and feeling upset ov the thought of having 'no more'.

I have a gorge wee boy who is only 13 weeks!! :-) But already i know i would like another, I also have a stepson who is 8. DH is happy with the 2 boys which of course i am too i love and adore them both but i do feel i would like another baby, not just yet but in time.
Dh husband worrys over money and just wants to know we can cope and manage which is sensible cause id hate to think we couldnt manage. There is also the age thing he has mentioned once b4 that he feels he is too old!!! only 33 i am 24 there is a 9 year gap but we are soulmates as well as husband and wife, we love each other very much and have a great relationship, so theres no problems there.
But how can i come to terms that i may not beable to have another baby??? :-( x

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