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Do you play by someone's rules in their house?

(42 Posts)
nicetomeetyou Sat 29-Aug-09 18:43:50

Just want to vent

had a friend of DH to stay with his 5 yr old daughter for a couple of days. Apparently daughter doesn't go to bed much before 9pm so last night at 9 last night we have her making a racket with a toy train around the sitting room and I resort to putting subtitles on because I can't hear the news I had just put on. Father does nothing and eventually at 9.45pm she has fallen asleep on the sofa and he carries her up to bed. I am at home all day with 2 children under 2 and DH is at work and we like to have some quiet after 8pm and it would have been nice to have a chat with friend without his daughter shouting over everyone.

I now think I should have said "would x like a puzzle/book to play with quietly?" but I thought dad could not be so selfish to just let this go on.

giantkatestacks Sat 29-Aug-09 18:49:44

Difficult because just because the adults want her to go to bed it doesnt mean she will does it - instead she will just be upstairs with her dad having a tanty and waking the younger ones up.

Why did you want to watch the news when you had people over anyway - could you have skyplussed it instead or watched it at 10 - they didnt want to change their routine but niether did you so its all the same really isnt it?

Its annoying but thats why you can only stay over/go on holiday with people who parent in the same way as you otherwise its just a nightmare.

giantkatestacks Sat 29-Aug-09 18:50:10

tsk neither...

nicetomeetyou Sat 29-Aug-09 18:59:54

I watched the news because I am tired and wanted 15 mins downtime and wanted to perhaps nudge him into taking her up to bed. It is not the same - someone is in your house - he could have taken her to bed and stayed with her for 1/2 hr - your are right about holidaying and staying with the same type of parents - we had that she wouldn't drink water with a piece of lemon in it when we were out, wouldn't drink our water even though it was fine yesterday, she never said please or thank you for anything, father let her keeping talking louder and louder until she got attention etc etc what i saw was an absence of parenting and he can naff off if he thinks we will be doing that again if they stay in oct...

TheCrackFox Sat 29-Aug-09 19:09:34

Hell is other peoples children.

nicetomeetyou Sat 29-Aug-09 19:29:21

it is not the children - it is the parents - he is a lazy so and so who cannot be bothered to parent so everything is asking her tentatively if she will do something - she wanted our carseat moving because she wanted to sit next to the winnie the pooh sunshade - come on - i know i had a tough childhood but what is wrong with the soft parents of today?

llareggub Sat 29-Aug-09 19:41:09

You don't sound like you like him much.

2rebecca Sat 29-Aug-09 21:31:37

I wouldn't tell someone else what to do with their kids in their house, but if this is your house then it is fair enough to ask him to take her to bed so you can have some adult time. You don't have to invite him again.

kateGB Sat 29-Aug-09 21:48:59

My House, My Rules.

BonsoirAnna Sat 29-Aug-09 21:50:57

You cannot ask someone to change their child's bedtime habits to suit you, even in your home.

You could, however, have offered toys as you suggested (directly to the child, even) in order to distract her while you watched television.

purpleduck Sat 29-Aug-09 21:53:22

If yours are under 2 than I'm sure 5 seem very big and capable, but really, she is still young.

No, not all parents are the same, and you live and learn. Maybe he was so frazzled at being somewhere else that he wasn't parenting they way he normally did.

You seem very disapproving..is it really such a huge deal that she was up later than your kids will at 5, and that her manners aren't intact yet?

Did you want guests? Is all this their fault, or are you just narked off at having guests?

FlamingoBingo Sat 29-Aug-09 21:54:00

You could accept it's just one night out of your life.

Guests should be made to feel welcome and you should go out of your way for them. You were rude to him, putting the tv on.

kateGB Sat 29-Aug-09 21:59:48

5 is old enough to know how to behave. It's also too young to be going to bed at 9.00.

The bottom line is that as usual it's down to the parents.

Surely someone has told the dad that the child should be in bed before 9? But then maybe not. Perhaps staying at your house will be an eye opener to him.

Personally if I was staying at someone elses house I would have warned DD (5 in 2 days) to mind her manners and to accept that other peoples families act differently but we need to fit in with them....assuming they were't complete brats who demanded sweets and stayed up until midnight....

BonsoirAnna Sat 29-Aug-09 22:00:29

My DD is 4.9 and doesn't go to bed before 10 pm even on a school night. Not all children need lots of sleep!

purpleduck Sat 29-Aug-09 22:04:53

How is 5 old enough to know if that is not what's done in their house?

I agree with Flamingo too. Guests should be made to feel welcome.

NinjaRain Sat 29-Aug-09 22:07:19

My son has a sleep disorder and it is not uncommon for him to be up until 1 am. He will then start the day at 6am. I dont like to take him to other peoples houses as this makes this more likely. But if i have to i make sure the people know about it in advance and that I try to occupy him in a fairly inobtrusive way. Hard when you have a hyperactive 4yo boy. He is often out riding his bike at 10pm in a vain attempt to tire him out. He has however thankfully discovered a volume control.

It is very annoying when you are not used to it and you are tired. But bedtimes are the hardest thing to adapt to in other peoples houses because changin routines means bedtimes just dont work. If it was other /daytime rules I would stick to house rules if stricter then mine but otherwise. Bedtime is as it is beacuse that is how it is. Trying to stick my ds in bed early gets very very ugly and far nastier then just leaving him to play.

allaboutme Sat 29-Aug-09 22:11:39

You cant expect people to change their childs bedtime routine for one night at your house to fit in with you!!
How would you like it if you went to visit someone who's kids went to bed later than yours and insisted yours had dinner at 8pm and bed at 10pm? it would be horrible for them

or even if they expected you to put yours to bed at 5.30pm as thats what theirs do? Would your young children honestly go to bed at 5.30pm nicely because thats the rules in someone else house?

FlamingoBingo Sat 29-Aug-09 22:15:05

Children of 5 do not necessarily need to be in bed by 9pm - where does that bizarre rule come from? hmm

My 4yo has just gone to bed now - she still seems to be alive and well from late bedtimes.

kateGB Sat 29-Aug-09 22:21:39

Oh dear 'nicetomeetyou' all you wanted to do was vent and it's descended into this!

All kids are different and all parents are different. In 12 months time this 5yr old might have turned into a very polite and lovely 6 yr old,

She was out of her home routine which can make the nicest kid into a monster. She was also on 'holiday' when different rules apply.

Take a deep breath, sigh "Thank Goodness they've gone" and forget it every happened. Having people to stay in your home puts a strain on everyone - however much you like them (or not!)

Purpleduck - 5year olds know what is "normal" and what isn't i.e what they do and what other people do. They are also old enough to be taught to respect and accomodate differences. They are also old enough to learn manners - even if they have to be reminded most of the time. DD1 has a tendency to attention seek but that doesn't mean is's accepted behaviour and she is told when enough is enough.

purpleduck Sat 29-Aug-09 22:24:58

yes, but if manner have not been a priority, than how does she know?

FlamingoBingo Sat 29-Aug-09 22:25:23

"All kids are different and all parents are different."

Kate, how can you say this, and yet say categorically that 5 is too young to be going to bed after 9pm?

I agree with you that the OP should just forget about it, but the OP was still unreasonable - she was the host and should have played to her guest's needs not the other way around.

If a 5 yo goes to bed at 10pm every night, then that is how their body clock is set - do you think it is fair that a 5yo would have to sit upstairs on her own for three hours, just because her rude host thinks that's the time children should go to bed, irrespective of their differences?

hocuspontas Sat 29-Aug-09 22:34:04

My children have never had a bedtime. I haven't considered that we could be the guests from hell. blush

kateGB Sat 29-Aug-09 22:44:09

Because I'm right ...wink but was trying to be calming ! The OP has obviously had a crap time and just wanted to get it off her chest! Clearly it was her DH's friend and not hers and yes, if she had agreed to invite them into her home she should just have grinned and put up with it - which she may have done - and then came on here to have a shout.

Personally other people's kids are great for a couple of hours but then....

Bedtimes are obviuosly a contensious and difficult subject and are very subjective. Some people are happy to cuddle their little ones until they sleep, others let them learn to fall asleep by themselves. Whichever side of the fence you sit on you will either think they the other parent is either mad or unfeeling. If a child has a diagnosed sleep disorder then poor child and poor parents and I hope that they learn how to deal with it successfully.

All kids do need different amount of sleep - mine certainly do. Are there any teachers out there who could cast some light onthe matter as to sleep affecting behaviour ? And before anyone starts ranting again YES I know some kids can get by on three hours sleep but as a general rule ?

Personally I need 8 hours and it is way past my bedtime (sorry about the spelling!)but DH has just taken a friend with a knackered knee up to A&E

FlamingoBingo Sat 29-Aug-09 22:47:18

grin I cheat and don't send my kids to school - they just sleep late in the mornings!

kateGB Sat 29-Aug-09 22:49:47

My Mum's ex-primary school teacher, DD would grass me up if I tried that grin

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