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A question for those who have decided that they are not having anymore children

(40 Posts)
Dragonhart Tue 25-Aug-09 19:34:17

Did you just know for sure that you didnt want anymore and do you feel broody when friends have babies? (sorry I know that is two really!)

There are 3yrs and 1 months between ds1 and dd3 (with a dd inbetween) and while I have loved having them close together I had spd with dd3 and by the end I was in a lot of pain and found it hard to walk. I dont think I could go through another preg especially if it was like DD3's and I came pretty close to breaking point in the first few months of having her.

But I cant get rid of this feeling that I want/need another. I always wanted 4 but know that I would really struggle with a 4th. DH and I have decided we are not having anymore and I know it is the right decision for us but I cant shake the feeling that I am ment to have another and that my family are just not complete. I know it sounds crazy! I am hoping it is just that DD3 has just turned 1 and not a baby anymore and me just having to let go of the babydom. The funny thing is though, I have never really enjoyed the baby or preg part and have loved it each time when they get to about 6months and start being a little person. I wonder if I would feel like this even if we did have a 4th!

Any input welcome.

nigglewiggle Tue 25-Aug-09 19:45:27

I don't have any particular urge to have 3 (we currently have 2 DC), but I am finding it really hard to put the "Having babies" chapter behind me. Like you I am not hooked on babies, it's just hard accepting that this phase is over I suppose. I think because I don't have a particular number in mind, if we had a third, I'd probably want a fourth for the same reason then a fifth and then it starts to get silly.

I guess your situation is different because you have a set number in mind, but you do have to think about your health and well-being and how that affects your other children. I know it's hard though.

hannahsaunt Tue 25-Aug-09 19:45:53

I am pg with db4 and know absolutely that this is it and will be taking all possible steps to ensure that it is (will happily be sterilised and in fact may be nervous of anything short of that - that's how sure I am). Didn't feel like that with any of the other three.

roisin Tue 25-Aug-09 19:47:41

I always wanted two. Dh felt that way too. So when I was pregnant with ds2 I always knew it was my final pregnancy. It just wasn't an issue at all.

I love cuddling newborn babies and buying clothes for them. But I like handing them back too.

I would simply hate to go back to nappies and crying and teething and so on now!

Geocentric Tue 25-Aug-09 19:50:15

I feel the same as nigglewiggle - I don't really want a third child, but am finding it hard to close the chapter too. It doesn't help that most of my friends are only starting to have babies now, lots of blooming bellies to drool over...

mollyroger Tue 25-Aug-09 19:51:07

I still feel desperately broody and a real sense of loss, especially as my dc grow into little people, for baby days and toddlerdom etc.
Yet it was absolutely the right thing to do for dh and I. It was his decision, which I went along with. We still have our sanity, our sex life and our sense of humour in tact.

Plus, if i had a baby right now, or was pg, I would absolutely go to pieces, given our financial state. I worry about what the future holds for my dc already, without another mouth to feed, tbh.

muggglewump Tue 25-Aug-09 19:54:23

Exdp left me when our DD was 6 weeks old. For a time, a couple of years I guess I thought we'd either get back together, or I'd meet someone else and perhaps have more children, though I wasn't desperate for them.

As time went on, I realised I didn't want any more, and I'm complete as a mother with just one.

I've had 2 pgs since (1 mc, 1 top), and they were hard but I know having an only is right for me.
I couldn't be happier with DD. She'll be 8 on Friday and truly is everything I want in a daughter.

I was sterilised last year at 30.

I don't get broody when I see babies, I'm not maternal, unless it's my own child but I do have pangs of sadness that I didn't get to raise DD with the love and support of a partner.
I did at one time mistake that for wanting another, but luckily I realised what it actually was before I had more.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 25-Aug-09 19:54:56

We've always wanted two, we have two. After DD2 was born one of my most first thoughts was "thank FUCK I never have to do that again!" grin

I hate being pregnant, despite easy pregnancies, and I'm not fond of babies.

DD2 is now 18 months. The other day DH and I realised that when DD1 was this age we were TTC DD2, and all broody. Not this time!! Still not even the slightest twinge of broodiness. So we're very sure our family is complete.

I guess we're lucky with that, cos with our house size, finances etc, we'd really struggle with 3 and I'd hate to be in a position where my head told me we were finished but my heart wanted more.

Maybe see if this current broodiness gets worse or wears off, and then reasses your decision in a few months.

Me, I'm like hannahsaunt and am taking every precaution I can not to get pg ever again. smile

morethanyoubargainfor Tue 25-Aug-09 19:56:31

i have one DS who us 6, we knew when he was born that he would always be a singleton, Don't ask how we 'knew' but we just did.

I love having the one ds and couldn't imagine hving any more biological children, (we do foster). We don't foster to have more chidren, it is hard to explain, we do because we love it.

I rarely feel broody and in fact shy away from new babies. I love older children, say 18months plus but i am not really that excited about babies though, again it s is a hard thing to explain.

I think you just know what is right for you and your family and you should follow your instincts.

That probably doesn't make the slightest bit of sense but i knoow what i mean!

expatinscotland Tue 25-Aug-09 19:59:01

I think when you know, you know. In your heart of hearts.

DH is finally getting the snip in October.

I never feel broody when I see pregnant women. My first thought is, 'Better her than me!' When I see newborns I think, 'Aw. That's wonderful for her/him/the parents,' and that's about it.

No pangs at all.

Your family would feel totally complete and instead of any sense of longing you'd be fully focused on carrying on and enjoying them and when the milestones come it's a relief.

We have three children.

expatinscotland Tue 25-Aug-09 20:01:06

I also feel nervous about any contraception less than sterilisation.

DH is 32 in October and he's totally done, too.

We love our wee man, our third, who is nearly 10 months.

He was the one we felt was missing.

But now the puzzle's complete.

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 25-Aug-09 20:03:15

Same as you Expat. DP is also going to get the snip soon.....when he makes the blardy appt that is! grin Otherwise it will be a DIY job curtesy of yours truly!!

ProfYaffle Tue 25-Aug-09 20:08:13

dh and I knew we wanted 2, and like Annie, when dd2 was born I knew she was the last and was grateful for that. She's now 2.5 and I'm cheering waving bye bye to the baby stage and breathing a huge sigh of relief.

Must be tough if you've got 4 as your ideal number though. I would've been devastated if we'd been unable to have dd2.

BitOfFun Tue 25-Aug-09 20:09:37

Hmm, I have just got a bit long in the tooth to go back to the sheer exhaustion really, especially as dd2(nearly nine now, eek!)keeps me up and busy as it is, having behavioural and physical issues with her disability. Part of me would love another, especially as DP and I don't have a child which is from the two of us, and with him I would actually have a decent partner to share the work with. On the other hand, we are skint, getting older, and also rather fond of having at least a child-free night per week to ourselves. So it is more a pragmatic decision unfolding as reality bites.

Still, my mirena is nearing the end of its lifespan, so if an accident were to occur, I would probably be delighted and terrified in equal measure grin

5inthebed Tue 25-Aug-09 20:10:12

I thought I was done after 2, but had surprise DS3 last year, and I sometimes feel like my family isn't complete. But due to having three sections, and ds2 having SN, I was sterelised during my section with ds3. If we were to have another child, we would adopt. Me and DH do talk of having another child, and I would like to think that that would be a possibility one day, although not jsut yet.

chimchar Tue 25-Aug-09 20:11:51

i'm the same as you dragon..

have 3 very much planned and wanted children.

having a 4th would impact hugely on my sanity just for starters. am crap at being pg..i suffer from terrible sickness. have had pnd twice. i find my 3 hard work, get little support from anyone other than dh and am just about ok for money....

BUT...i can't shake that yearning for a fourth! when we're out, i count my kids, and feel like i'm missing one iykwim. i get twinges of huge envy when i hear of friends being pg and having new babies, and look at pg or bf women with longing for it to be me in a funny sort of way.

i don't think we'll have anymore, but its a head decision rather than a heart one iykwim?

not that any of this helps you of course, lol, but i understand.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes Tue 25-Aug-09 20:16:39

I cant have any more children because of my depression. I constantly feel as if I want another child, I find it very hard to be around people who are pregnant as the pain is raw.

PacificDogwood Tue 25-Aug-09 20:22:44

Good friend of mine "knew" when holding brand-new DS3 that she was done. She describes it as an overwhelming feeling of certainty. Her DH has had the snip in the meantime but there have been some regrets.
I am currently expecting DS4 and I know already that that is me finished with this baby making malarky. Like other posters (thank goodness, there are others who do not particularly like babies; I feel less of a freak wink) I am always glad when my infants turned into people grin. I simply liked the idea of a (slightly) larger family, and the symmetry of an even number appealed.
Apart from that, Mother Nature will soon make sure I cannot change my mind, as menopause cannot be far off... <<hopeful that she will not need contraception much longer after this one>>

PacificDogwood Tue 25-Aug-09 20:23:56

In answer to your question, Dragonhart, if you are not sure, you are not done wink.

HTH - <<but sincerely doubts it>>

AnyFucker Tue 25-Aug-09 20:27:58

congrats expat on finally getting dp to have the snip

fwiw, after my second dc I too thought "thank christ I never have to do that again"

and I say it to myself every day too, when out shopping, at work, with family, friends etc

a very liberating feeling, one I was very clear about

allaboutme Tue 25-Aug-09 20:28:51

I have 2 and I know we will not have any more.
For practical and financial reasons it would be a disaster if we did.
DH does not want any more at all.
I love being pregnant, I love tiny babies and I feel a pang every time I think of it.
But I know in my head its the right decision for all of us.
DH is on waiting list to get the snip.
I dont think I'll ever feel that 'completely certain I would never want another' feeling no matter how many babies I had tbh! so feel happy to be going with my head rather than my heart smile

muggglewump Tue 25-Aug-09 20:32:33

It's funny you say that when out you count your kids chimchar. One of the reasons I knew I just wanted one was because I never wanted to have to count!
She's there and that's it, no needing to look for another.

I used to look after a friend's three fairly often and I hated the counting!

TheOnlyDailyMaleForMeisDH Tue 25-Aug-09 20:32:41

I was really ambivalent at just having two when I had DS 13 months ago, but I have suddenly realised, having two kids who can walk (mostly) and talk (suddenly) beats having two small squally things that don't do either AND I'm thinking about getting a proper job again (look out world I'm back grin) and can see a life beyond nappies and it's wonderful.

Love the little darlings but think having more than just them in my life is good for my mental health!

Now if that makes no sense to you, you are not ready to quit having babies yet! wink

expatinscotland Tue 25-Aug-09 20:34:10

i took some doing, Any!

what swung it was that i told him i was going to get sterilised and catch the express train to london that day, stay in a hotel and the next day go to the US for a fortnight to recover.


so he'd need to use some of his annual leave to look after all three of them alone because female sterilisation is a BIG op compared to teh snip and i've already had: a forceps delivery, a drug-free delivery, a ventouse delivery, a ERPC, a Mirena that was beyond dreadful, pills that made me bleed bleed bleed, pregnancies from hell, separated abdominal muscles that aren't a good combination with the curved spine i have from scholiosis and hypertension.

it's his fecking turn!

we have no support here. no one to help me after an op under GA, so going home to be looked after would be the best thing.

he went to see the GP the next week!

Sagacious Tue 25-Aug-09 20:35:08

I have never felt broody.
I knew I wanted children just NOT babies.

I have two dc's and didn't tbh enjoy them as babies at all, they scared me with their total dependancy.

Two is enough.
I am happy.

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