when to have the next baby?

[bebemoo]

So we've got a 5m old and are thinking about the next baby. My dh and I are back and forth on this subject. He thinks sooner rather than later (he and sister are 18m apart) I'm thinking at least 2 years. BUT I also worry a bit about age (mine) as I'm 31 and after 35 risk is greater for complications etc. We're not sure if we want 2, 3 or even !4! children which also makes things a little uncertain.

So what do all the wise MNs have to say? ...

[PolkSaladLucie]

I have a 6 month old, and my husband and I have been skirting around this topic.

There is 21 months between my (older) sister and I and 5 years between my husband and his (younger) brother.

I would ideally like about 2/3 years age difference so that my daughter will be more able to get on with things by herself as I feed/care for new baby, but it took us 3 years to concieve (PCOS) so do we start now in case it takes that long again? Or (because we have one, and the PCOS seems to have cleared, and I'm much healthier now than I was when I started TTC first time round) will I fall pregnant straight away and have an 18 month age difference? (Not ideal, but do-able, I guess).

I don't know is the answer! but I think we may start trying about this time next year.

[Seona1973]

I had my first at 30 and the second at 33 - there is just under 3 years between dd and ds. It did take slightly longer to conceive ds than it did for dd (6/7 months compared a 2/3 with dd). We are stopping at 2 though.

[beanieb]

I would get the weaning out of the way and then try.

I find it awfully sad that we seem to have so many women posting who are your age but have been scared by all the reports about age and fertility. 31 is still young and you have a few years before you get to the magical age of 35. Try not to worry too much about that IMO, at least not now.

Was it difficult conceiving your last child? Did you have to try long? Were there any underlying fertility issues? If not then I really think you shouldn't worry.

[bigchris]

I would start trying on your lo's first birthday

[EyeballsintheSky]

I'm in your position and I'm about to turn 38 DD is 19mo and we want another. But at the moment we absolutely could not afford for another in childcare or for me to give up work. But I'm getting on now so what do we do? It's a bugger of a decision; poverty or a lifetime of regrets

[bebemoo]

Well we had a mc (very early on -just found out week5/6 we were preggy and then lost it the following week) and then it took a year for my body to recover. The month I realised I felt 'normal' was the month before we got pregnant with our dd. We, for all intents and purposes, were 'trying' during that year, so I don't know if that's a fertility issue or not. The gp does not seem concerned.

I'm not horribly concerned about the 35 tbh. But it is something I keep thinking about...if we were to have one more child I'd be in that 'slot,' but if we had more...?who knows?

What do you see as the benefits/negatives of having them close together (for those of you who have had them so) and what about farther apart? Has anyone had it both ways? -knowing that every child/experience is different-

[kitesarefun]

I wanted a small age gap between my children and started TTC my second when DD was 12 months old.

I had no reason to think I would have trouble conceiving as DD was conceived straight away. However, 13 months later and I'm still not pregnant I'm only 33 but now worried it's not going to happen at all.

That's just my experience and I'm probably just very unlucky. But my advice is that you don't always get a say in things such as the perfect age gap or even the number of children you have, as unfortuntely mother nature (or whatever) doesn't care about your plans.

If a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th etc) children are very important to you and there's no major reason (like money etc) why you should put off having another just yet, then don't wait around.

[bebemoo]

that's a very good point kitesarefun

[beanieb]

so sorry about your miscarriage

I am in the position where I have probably left it too late - started trying at 37 and am now 39 with one pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. So I can understand your worries.

I am one of three children with a small agegap (18 months and just under 2 years) between us and from the child's point of view I really liked it. Am sure it was hard for my mum though!

[bebemoo]

I'm sorry to hear about yours as well beanieb

I'm 1 of 5 girls...2 yrs between me and my elder sister, 4 years between me and the next, 2 years between her and the next one, then 3 years between her and the next.... confusing? I really liked the spread... 2 years seemed close enough and yet far enough between me and my elder sister, we could play (fight) about like things but we could also do things by ourselves... 4 years meant yeah I knew what was going on, but was really not interested in the new baby...hardly ever played with her. When the last baby came along I was 9, nearly 10 and much more interested. When she got to playing age I did play with her and she and I were buddies when I was a teenager. thus my feeling about waiting for at least 2 years between...

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[bebemoo]

I think that that's what dh is thinking that our kids will be great friends...though I do know (from looking back) that having 2 girls in puberty or starting puberty at about the same time is not easy...
I do worry about my ability to cope with 2 'babies' which is also why I'd prefer waiting.

[jeee]

I had a 15 month gap between DC1 and DC2, and then a 19 month gap between DC2 and DC3. I was so tired during DC3s babyhood I don't remember anything any of the children were up too at that point. But I'm glad now that we chose to do it like this - when the kids aren't killing each other they're great friends. In fact, once we'd recovered our breath we went for a fourth child. The only thing I'd really say about having children very close together is the amount of complete strangers who took it upon themselves to give us contraceptive advice.

[bebemoo]

lol jeee

[MrsMattie]

We waited exactly 2 yrs. I conceived in the 4th month of trying, but miscarried. By the time I felt well enough to try again and it happened, there was 3 yrs 9 mths between DS and DD. It's fine, but I do wish the gap was slightly smaller. DS now 4.5 yrs and DD 9 mths and the age gap seems enormous.

[Feierabend]

Bebe, I think you have to be 100% sure that you're ready to do it all again. Pregnancy, birth, the whole lot. It took me a year to recover from dd1, then I really really wanted another and couldn't get pregnant fast enough. And then, while pregnant, I often wished I'd left it just a little bit longer. It's about whether you can cope physically at least as much as it is about the 'ideal' gap for your children.

[whingingDailyHateMail]

We started TTC when DD turned 1. Got pregnant immediately, so have an almost 21 month gap. I always thought I would want 2-3 years between them, but DH was keen, and he's a fair bit older and already worried he won't be able to afford to retire.

They are 2.5 and 8m now, and it's HARD. But lovely too. Not sure whether we will have any more, for practical reasons mostly - ie can't get 3 carseats in the car, not enough bedrooms etc.

But I think it's probably hard work no matter what gap you have, so if you feel ready just go for it

[Feierabend]

And, I was over 35 and never worried at all. It's not like your risk of something going wrong suddenly increases on your 35th birthday!

[NorkilyChallenged]

I think there's no "right" answer to this kind of dilemma. You just can't know - you can't know how the age gap will be (for you and for your dc), you can't know how quickly you will or won't get pg. It's hard not to worry about it though...

Fwiw, I had DD1 at 33 having tried to get pg for 2.5 years. We were about to start IVF actually. So we wanted to start trying again straight away for another, as we had no idea how long it would take... I got pregnant with DD2 before I even got my period. I was still bf'ing. It was a massive surprise but a lovely one (we were deliberately not using contraception but not really expecting anything to happen so quickly). I have a 15 month age gap. It has been a hard year but the girls love each other (most of the time).

We're now trying to decide what to do about trying again. It feels wrong to use contraception and I know how hard it can be if it doesn't happen. I'm the dreaded 35 (nearly 36) so also worry about that. But I really feel my body needs time to recover from 2 pregnancies in 2 years. And my sanity might not cope with another one too soon

All that waffle to say... I don't know. You should do what feels right, not what seems logically, rationally right, but what feels right.

[Egg]

The only thing I would say is it took us 18 months to conceive DS1 so I didn't want to wait too long to try for DC2. We did wait until DS1 was 14 months though, and then conceived straight away and got twins. We had no family history of twins and it never crossed my mind. Just think that you could concieve first time and get more than you bargained for. We have got 22 months between DS1 and DTs and I think the gap is perfect, but would not have wanted such a small gap if I had known I was getting twins.

Of course you may want twins .

[bebemoo]

funnily enough the exact same thing happened to my elder sister... hyper-ovulation, and apparently it does run in families popping up now and again...so there is the possibility...

[princessx2]

I got pregnant with dd1 at 33 on the second month of trying. I wanted a bigger gap to accomodate childcare etc. I got pregnant again at 35 on the six month of trying but lost that at 7 weeks. I got pregnant 4 months later aged 36 and had dd2 aged 37 and a week old.

So as an 'older' mum I didn't have any problems getting pregnant and I don't know what I would have done if we had. Having said all that I think that there is any right time to do it. One poster has said that you can't bargain for what mother nature has in store and its so true. It could happen straight away, could take some time, you just don't know!

There is 3 years four months between my daughters and its great - dd1 gets to play mum to dd2 who loves all the fuss and dd1 is a great help - and a fabulous big sister - very loving towards little sis and very caring towards her.

[SweetTalkinWoman]

I agree that you can't count on getting the age-gap you think is ideal. We have an 19 month age gap between DD and DS, and I have to be honest and say I have found it very difficult - jealousy, nappies, the type of play, no pre-school yet ... Having spoken to various other mums, most are in agreement that the "ideal" gap is around 2.5 - 3 years. But as others have said, you don't know how long conception may take and you may end up with, say, a 5 year gap etc. Good luck!

[bebemoo]

It is interesting that almost everybody says that anything before 2 years is quite difficult at first...but that it does get easier.
I think that having heard it from so many different voices that I may dig my feet in and really say we ought to wait until at least dd's 1st birthday...and then what comes... comes

Thanks for all the input everyone!