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Anyone with older children (boys) around?(9 Posts)
DS1 is 11, he starts secondary in September. He's got really clingy the past few months. it started when DH was away fro 4 months, and has got bad over the hols. My mother , as usual, is syaing "oh he's really insecure and you only ahve yourself to balme for that because you go out to work". Now I do 12 hours a week, spread over 4 days. I don't start till 9.30a nd am finished by 12.30.
I just find the constant draping and clinging and cuddling annoying. I know we should all hug our children, and I do, frequently, but this is all the time but its constant. if I'm washing dishes he will come and drape himself all over me and hang round my neck, or sit on my knee, or if I am lying down (which happens a lot) then he lies ont op of me or sprawls all over me. If I say "I'm going for a lie down" hes there crying that I'm not well and constantly asking if I'm ok, and hugging me and lying on top of me.
This has resulted in DS2 getting very, well for want of a better word "over dramatised" and my mum (again) says it s a cry for atttention becasue I am giving all ym attention to DS1. I can't cope with the way they are going on the minute, it's wearing me down and when I don't feel good its worse.
<prepares hat for being flamed>
My lad is also very clingy at the moment. I have put it down to secondary transition - it's all been traumatic anyway (we had a failed school appeal and none of his mates are going to this one and he is really really sensitive anyway...)
I have been encouraging his independance with proper chores (with modest payment) and providing loads fo opportunities for him to go into town with his friends etc which seems to be working a bit.
There is a lot of insecurity and fear at this age - puberty is raising its head, and all the angsty-ness which that brings and they are taking on all sorts of 'adult' issues and fears and worries which they pick up on from you, the media, their friends etc...
If you feel like you need a good, supportive chat and some advice at the end of it, I have always found Parentline to be very useful for such things.
Yr boy does sound very sensitive and anxious (and your mother is being most unfair!) are their other worries tucked away in there?
Obviously you've name changed?
Yes he's always been a bit clingy and he ahs got worse. He doens't want to go tot his school. I also think that he's worried about my health and thinks that it's far mroe serious than it is (Fibromyalgia) becasue I do foten have to lie down, go to bed early, in a lot of pain etc, and he gets very panicky when this happens. Also, and I think this is part of the problem, he's very close to my mum but becasue we live a 7 hour drive away, we ahrdly see her, so when we do see her, she really suffocates them with affection etc, she is like that with me too, when she's not crticisng and I find it very overpowering.
(sorry, this name does seem very wrong on sensitive threads..
It's ok, just wondering who you are? I have completely lost track of who's who now with all the DM name changes
Ah, That's better....less confrontational.
Perhaps you need to explain properly to your lovely boy about your condition. That it is painful and difficult but you are not going to die from it! That there are many times that you need his strength and help - not just cuddles and hugs, lovely though those are. Do you see what I mean?
How old is ds2?
My younger boy sometimes gets marginilised (by other people) becuse ds1 is so charismatic and good looking and clever. I have to use an awful amount of energy building him (ds2) up emotionally. And making sure each child gets some 1-1 with me or their dad.
You see I find DS2 very demanding. Its the toehr way round with our 2, DS2 is so charming and smiley and DS1 goes round huffing and puffing and clinging to me. DS2 is actually far more work than DS1, although am finding them both ahrd going at the minute.
DS1 has also developed atendency to check every thing he earts for the use by date or for mould! He won't eat something like meat thats been int ehf reezer if the sue by date was 2 weeks ago, even if it's been frozen. he scrupulously checks every piece of bread/cake etc for mould
this anxiety sounds like it's getting a little out of hand. Has he always been a bit of a worrier?
At the risk of sounding a bit hippy, there are some very good relaxation/meditation type cds aimed at children out there, and it would be something you could do together,
a) satisfying his need to be near you
b) helping him calm down a bit
c) relaxing and de-strsssing for both of you.
Afterwards there is an opportunity for him to have a cuddle and perhaps talk about some of the things he seems to be building up inside.
I fear if you don't address some of this now, it will only get worse during the coming months, which can be challenging for even the most phlegmatic 11-year-old.
My 2 sound like yours Saltire. My ds2 has also become a bit dramatic lately which isn't at all like him.
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