DP and I do not agree on discipline at all. We have totally different ideas and unfortunately both feel strongly!
I lean more towards UP (not completely) and feel the most important thing for children to learn is why what they are doing isn't allowed. I do understand that up to a certain age they don't understand reason though. Also I think you have to be really careful to be age-appropriate.
DP thinks I am "soft" and thinks that smacking is the answer to everything. This worries me, because although I accept there will have to be some compromising, he doesn't seem to be able to do compromise.
At the moment DS is 10 months, so has been exploring a lot etc. Since I am at home all day with him I am doing most of the interacting with him. My main strategy if he is doing something he is not allowed is redirection and distraction. I also use verbal commands like a general "No", "Leave it", "Gently" etc as well as just moving things out of his reach and praise when he touches the cat gently, also things like if he bites me or goes to bite me I will offer a teething ring or some hard food to chew instead.
This is all fine and DP doesn't have a problem with any of that. But here is an example: If DP is on his laptop and ignoring DS he will come up and keep putting his hand on the keys, DP moves it off and says "No", this goes on for a while, DS thinks it is a game of course. Now at this point I would either move the laptop so that I could use it out of his reach or put it down and actually do something with him. (The fact this is a regular occurance between DP and DS I think is sad anyway - he doesn't want to interact with him after work because he is "too tired" and thinks DS should be in bed) DP's reaction after a few times is to get annoyed and be rougher with the moving away of his hand and the tone of voice he uses to say "No". Eventually it ends in tears and I end up rescuing him - which probably doesn't help, but he looks so bewildered I can't help it
A few weeks ago DS was crawling on DP in bed and when he crawls, he tends to pinch as he is gripping if he is on an uneven surface like a person. DP smacked his hand I was really upset by this and basically said so, and he agreed he would not use smacking again without discussing it first but I think he genuinely thinks I am making a fuss over nothing - I just think it's completely unnacceptable and poor DS couldn't possibly even have made the connection, so uneffective as well!
I think part of the problem is he has the kind of face which makes him look older - I regularly get comments that he looks about 18 months old apart from his size - but he's still a baby and he can't understand as much as DP seems to think. The thing which is really worrying/disturbing me is DP's comments and the language he uses towards DS. If I am struggling to get him to sleep he will look at him and say "You are NAUGHTY" which I don't like (and again have tried to explain) - anyway how is not being tired "naughty"?? And comments like "If DS does X when he is older, he'll get a smack, won't you mate?" And "Bite me and I'll bite you back" (He hasn't and I have made it very clear he is not to, but he still says it) or "He wouldn't do X for Daddy 'cos he knows what he gets" (again it's all words because he knows what I think of it, but it worries me that he says these things still)
I have tried to discuss it. He is not an easy person to discuss things with, and his argument is "It never did me any harm" which is exactly my argument against it - he is not a shining example of a well-brought up man! He is angry a lot and a bit of a bully and violence solves everything (but is mostly all talk) - he has no respect for authority, for example, an actual quote "You don't need to do 30 in a residential area when it's dark" this was minutes after I'd got in from posting a letter with DS in tow, crossing a busyish 30 road, in the dark.
In contrast, I was smacked as a child as well and I actually don't think it did do any harm but I think if there is an alternative, which there are plenty, why would you choose to hurt your child??
I have made him sound horrible now. I think that mainly he has good intentions, but he is so stuck in one way of thinking over this discipline issue it's really worrying me. Our relationship is not very good at the moment anyway, and I am thinking about leaving, but that brings up a whole new world of worry about having to leave DS with him alone and what he would be like if I wasn't there to step in, I am aware that toddlers in particular are very good at pushing buttons and winding up parents
Sorry such a mammoth post, any advice??
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What do you do when you disagree over discipline issues? What if you are seriously worried?
4 replies
BertieBotts · 20/08/2009 13:04
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