dp treating ds badly IMO - is it me?

[shatteredmumsrus]

me and my dp got together when ds was 2yo. He is 8 nearly 9 yo now and regards him as Daddy. Generally they get on and I know they love each other very much. During the past few months there have been several occasions which have upset me (and my son). Dp is a bit of a bully and had a rough upbringing, dad was an alcoholic etc. He has different opinions to me but is a nice guy - most of the time. When he shouts at son my son looks at me sometimes as if to say help! Then dp says why are you looking at your mum? She cant help you Im talking to you. I have often tried to intervene and explain sons actions or reasons for doing something, dp doesnt see it that way, he says I am interfering and making him a mommys boy. This isnt the case, he just doesnt understand him. Exmaple, on holiday ds asked how much money we had left.dp said 500 euros an ds said wow thats alot. dp flared up and said no its not, i merely said that 500 anything is alot to a child and he starting going on about he must learn the value of money!FGS he is 8!!! That is just 1 examplt, there are many more.As it kept happening and dp keeps going on about ds being mommys boy, its starting to worry me as its getting ds upset and he looks very confused.Is it me or what??? Any other similar problems out there???

[aGalChangedHerName]

I wouldn't allow my DH to speak to any of our dc in that way and he is the biological father of them all.

Stand up for your ds and stop your dp bullying him. Poor little boy

[Tortington]

yeah he is bullying.

to stop this you and your dh need a conversation about expectations in certain circumstances.

the mummy's boy thing has to stop - he is only a child.

when he does something wrong - you expect that there be a conversation - not shouting. punishments will be given

you agree on X as a standard punishemment ( ie going to room)

tell him that you aren't happy with the way he deals with things in 'flare -up' situations. that you both need a uniform approach becuase you value him and love him (your dp) so you want to get this right.

you see if you wait til something happens and intervenes - you are not showing any uniformity to the child.

DH has on occasion lost the plot with out kids. gone wayyyyyyyyyy OTT sometimes over something small.

when my kids gave me that look - i sent them upstairs.

dh and i had a chat. we talked about stuff - had a brew and then decided on a punishemnt

dh would apologise if he thought he had overreacted - he is fair this way.

[Tortington]

apologise to the child i meant

[BitOfFun]

My ex (who is a twat, much learned from his father) was treated like this by his dad. He started fighting back aged twelve and spent his teens in and out of care. He is still angry that his mother acted like the Blessed Virgin Mary or something, trying to gently intercede in her children's behalf, rather than just leaving. Her son has done a lot of work on himself, but still isn't in a happy relationship as he appears to have no idea how to conduct one without criticising his partners so relentlessly that they despair of him eventually. The mother is in and out of psychiatric care after the bullying shredded her nerves over the years, and her kids find her too much like hard work to speak to very often.

I seriously wouldn't recommend staying in this relationship- nobody is going to thank you for it.

[shatteredmumsrus]

Reallyisdetoxing - brutalise your child, its not that bad I promise you or I would not allow it, believe me.Your right tho i do need to stamp it out.
is is ooc for him and has only happened recently. My son is a good kid and very easy to look after.dp agrees with this also. Is he jealous or what? I just worry about what will happen as son gets older and has more opinions? By the way I have addressed the situation and dp is currently staying at a friends

[edam]

thought-provoking post from BoF.

If you are going to stay together, you need to do what Custy says BUT also sort out dp's expectations so he's not jumping to punish ds when ds actually hasn't done anything wrong at all.

"She can't help you" would really chill me to the bone, especially from the child of an alcoholic. NEVER let dp tell ds that you are helpless to protect him. This is Not Good At All.

Clearly your dp had a rough childhood himself and hasn't got an internal model of reasonable behaviour for a parent. You need to discuss this with him and remind him that ds is an 8yo child and that dp's expectations of him are way out of line.

Perhaps you could ask your local HV or children's centre about parenting classes? Might help your dp given he's not had much grounding in good-enough parenting from his own family.

[hester]

This will get worse, though, as your son moves into his teens and starts rebelling. You two need to address this as a matter of urgency - do a parenting course together? Some couple counselling to talk through the issue?

[edam]

Glad to hear you are taking this seriously and dp is staying at a friends.

[shatteredmumsrus]

thanks all - much appreciated

[hester]

Good luck, shatteredmumsrus.