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Parenting

Feel like I've got no control over my children any more

20 replies

plonker · 13/08/2009 23:04

My children seem to be behaving worse and worse and I'm running out of ideas to get things back on track.

My eldest has just been so disrespectful lately - she's cheeky, insolent, rude and very very hurtful. She's usually such a lovely little girl and has been off colour lately so maybe this is the cause

It is my second dd that I'm really concerned about. She has always been quite wild, but atm I'm really worried about her safety as she keeps doing really silly things with no thought to the consequences and I just cannot get through to her. It's really worrying me.

I have tried sitting down and having heart-to-hearts - doesn't work.
I have tried taking things away that she cherishes - doesn't work.
I have tried 'time out' and sending her to her bedroom - doesn't work.
I have shouted and bawled at her - doesn't bloody work!.
I'm running out of ideas

My youngest is only 2 and is copying her sisters behaviour - even she told me to "shut up" today. Might not sound a big deal but it gutted me

I'm such a shit mum at the moment. My kids hate me.

What a lovely summer hols we're having ...

OP posts:

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cornsillk · 13/08/2009 23:06

How old is your eldest child? Do you think she may be just out of her normal routine due to the holidays?

cornsillk · 13/08/2009 23:07

I am sure you are not a shit mum by the way!

plonker · 13/08/2009 23:09

Sorry, dd1 is 9. Yes, maybe. I do think she's a little bored too ...but then I constantly seem to be making excuses for her ...

Thanks btw, but I really am. I'm doing so much shouting lately and I see in their little faces that they hate it

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KTNoo · 13/08/2009 23:11

Was going to say something similar - our bedtime routine is so crap at the moment for example. Normally it's bath, story, bed, no prblems, but lately in the hols they are all over the place, trying to do deals with me about not going to bed etc. Tonight my 8 yr old took out her Nintendo DS when I was about to take them up, and told me to "wait a minute!" when I said time for bed. Excuse me?!

Was also thinking maybe your 2 yr old doesn't quite understand consequences yet? Or she could be turning into my ds who at age 6 understands prefectly well but they still have no effect. tbh I think some kids never care about threats and punishments and you have to find another way.

cornsillk · 13/08/2009 23:14

Have you read 'How to Talk...' -it's great for ideas for how to solve potential conflicts peacefully. Don't be too hard on yourself - Summer hols can be very long for children who are used to a routine.

plonker · 13/08/2009 23:19

KTNoo - sorry I don't think I've explained myself very well.

It is my 6 year old (dd2) that I am most worried about. She is a very bright little girl but seems really really unable to grasp consequences of the things she does (for eg, she took a balloon to bed, popped it with her teeth and then was chewing on the broken balloon when I went to check on her ...) - she had no idea that it was dangerous, but then who takes a balloon upstairs and pops it with their teeth in the first place?! There are sooooooo many more examples ...she really is a danger to herself and I feel as though I'm failing to keep her safe

My 2yr old is dd3 - she is just copying her sisters.

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whyme2 · 13/08/2009 23:20

I think kids do go a bit wild in the school holidays when they are used to the routine of school. My ds told his sister to not be bloody naughty today
I would suggest a straightforward if youdo this then this happens and stay consistent - it may take some time. And work on being positive with them. I've four dcs and i know i also have to 'overlook' lots of things and just focus on the big things.
hth.

plonker · 13/08/2009 23:20

I have a copy of that book cornsilk, I read it many years ago ...will have to dust it back down ...

Thank you for your kind words

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plonker · 13/08/2009 23:25

whyme - that approach works perfectly with dd1, but dd2, well, she just doesn't seem to care.

I am definitely trying to overlook the small things and focus on the big, but there's so many dangerous things that she's doing atm, I'm having to follow her around because I can't trust what she's getting up to, which I'm quite sure is making things worse, but I don't know what else to do ...

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KTNoo · 13/08/2009 23:36

Ok, now I get it. Thought dd2 was the 2 yr old.

Actually your dd2 sounds like my ds who is also 6. I can imagine him doing the balloon thing. He does lots of things like that. Yes, if he is doing something dangerous I have to stop him, but I am really choosing my battles over the stuff which is just, well, bloody annoying.

He doesn't respond to consequences. He is so stubborn. I try to save my energy for the really important battles. Like you say about your dd1, my 2 dds are much easier to reason with. I feel that I have absolutely no influence over ds, like he was born the way he's going to be as an adult, doing what he wants when he wants.

Dillydaydreamer · 13/08/2009 23:39

Try doing a pasta jar, one handful in for good behaviour, one out for bad behaviour then a treat as appropriate when its full or reward chart on a magnetic board, magnet on when good and off when bad, full = treat. Do you get 1 to 1 time without little sis, could be jealousy in that she looks forward to being off school to be with you but little sisters take more attention/time (as she needs it iyswim)Try saying you will take just her somewhere if she isn't rude etc.

KTNoo · 13/08/2009 23:44

Dillydaydreamer, ime these systems just don't work with some kids. We tried several times with ds. He was so late toilet training and we tried (when he was about 4) a coin in his money box for every dry day. He was happy to get the coin on dry days but he still peed himself again the next day and the day after etc. One day he decided to start going to the toilet.

plonker · 13/08/2009 23:51

KTNoo - I feel the exactly the same. I just can't control dd2, I have no influence over her at all, she really doesn't care what 'punishment' I dole out. She just does what she wants, when she wants to

You're right though, I have to pick my battles very carefully ...

Dillydaydreamer - no, none of my older dd's get one-to-one. I have more time with dd1 and dd2 when dd3 (the 2yo) is in bed, but no, there's no time when there's just me and one of them.

The pasta jar is a great idea, I think I'll give that one a go.

I can't go there with reward charts - we have tried reward charts soooooooo many times, the kids get fed up every time before we get the end

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KTNoo · 14/08/2009 00:03

DS is more difficult in the holidays - more time for him to think up dodgy stuff to do I suppose. If he gets bored he'll just entertain himself by annoying his sisters.

I have much more success with not confronting ds too directly. He needs to feel hs has control otherwise he digs his heels in.

Don't know if you're into reading parenting books but "Playful Parenting" is very good for avoiding stand-offs with stubborn personalities. Sometimes I don't have the energy for it though.

Dillydaydreamer · 14/08/2009 00:10

Plonker I think as well you have partly answered the question with her being 'a very bright girl'. She is probably bored. Get a childrens science book and do those perhaps? Fun and mess making but under control?

Dillydaydreamer · 14/08/2009 00:13

Internet activities for children?
Coutry walk to collect flowers/leaves to press/make collages or beach if close enough?

Dillydaydreamer · 14/08/2009 00:14

Hama beads/aqua beads to help concentration and make something.
Junk modelling desk tidy/sewing to make a pencil case or shoe bag?

plonker · 14/08/2009 00:18

KTNoo - yep, more time to get up to mischief, little bugger
I'm not really a parenting book fan, but hey, desperate times and all that ...
Will take a look, thanks.

Dilly - thats the thing with dd2, she's never bored. She always finds something to entertain herself with ...it's just not always appropriate

The science projects would definitely appeal to her, although I have to admit I'm wary about giving her more ideas ...

Thanks for your help

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KTNoo · 14/08/2009 00:19

Junk modelling big success with ds. He doesn't like organised craft activities because he hates being directed in any way. But a pile of shoe boxes, toilet rolls, paper, egg boxes, plastic bottles, scissors and sellotape - he's happy.

plonker · 14/08/2009 00:32

yep, again sounds like my dd. Like a pig in muck with some empty kitchen rolls, cellotape and an empty crisp packet!!

Maybe the key is to keep her busy doing stuff I approve of?

I just don't know. It makes sense, but I can't keep her directed all day - and she has to learn to listen to me and do as she's bloody told once in a while.

I can't even trust her at bedtime. She went up to bed at 8.00, was asked to go to sleep at 8.30 and finally went to sleep at 10.15 I have to constantly check her in this time because God Knows what she's getting up to ...

Thing is, she isn't like this with anyone else bar me, so the problem has to lie with me and the way I deal with her.

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