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Is it me or is it them?

(24 Posts)
Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 22:04:11

I am sorry I have to write this or the fact that you are actually reading it. The fact is I just cant cope anymore. WHat may seem over the past few months as a strong mum with everything in place it has been all but a front. Everyday of my life I fell unwanted as a person. I am a mother and I get much joy from this but I am doing them no good. I struggle to make bonds with my kids friends mums and the childern are all going against my daughter all of a sudden. I think it is beacus ewe live in a council house. The things is we are not typical council people. In fact my house is like a show home and I have spent over 20k on it.I feel what is happening to my daughter is what happended to me at school. The last year at primary and all my friends shruged me off, then you are left with one. Then you go to secondary school and that one friend goes off to. Then you are on your own. I have no idea how to help my daughter, I cant even make friends. It is not for the want of trying, I really do but people judge me so harshly when they first met me that I am left with the feeling of "I dont know what I have done wrong. They never ring me again and never keep in touch, If i try and contact them is is all false promises to go out. The thing is the people I should talk to about this about are my other half and my sister but I just cant deal with their answers. "there is nothing wrong with you, dont be silly etc etc.I wish I had the strength to overcome this pain I have inside or just a help book of what to do. What a sorry thing to ask some for help.....I cant make or keep friends!! how horrible..... How do I start off this conversation without sounding like a pathetic sad women.

It is happening again, I feel like I dont want to be here, just like I did when I was 12.....nearly 18 years on I am still in the same lonely place. If I try and tell anyone I am seen as sad and clearly desperate. I have suggested meet ups with other mums but it just does not happen, it is never right and in the end I feel embarrased for asking anymore times. I just dont want to live. I want to feel calm and not feel this pain and hav these horrible thoughts. I am a good parent and cater for their needs but if I cant show them how to make friends and keep friends how will they survive. They will end up just like me!!!!. I am 30 with 2 children 10 yrs and 1 yrs. I am at a loss. I feel incredibly lonely not only as a mother but as a person. My husband and family are great it is just that I cant make friends. I just want some one to be honest with me and give me their first impressions of me so I know what I am doing wrong. I am confident and smiley, I ask questions and interact well. I used to do sales. I have no issues with that it is getting people to like me!!?? I dont know what it is. I am not ugly or scarred or immensly overweight (not that I have a problem with any of these people) I am just saying that I dont have anything that may put this narrow minded society off. I am normal in my eyes but everyone sees me differently and I dont know how to change it without asking everyone I see what they think...and then looking like a lunitic!

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:09:20

My first gut instinct is that you are projecting your insecurities and hang-ups into every situation you encounter, so it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You may not realise it, but you could be inadvertantly sending out signals when socialising that read differently to how you are triyng to behave, and that could be putting people off.

Is professional councelling for your low self-esteem an option?

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:10:44

First thing you did in your post was appologise for writing it and for people reading it.

That is a bad thing to do.

Don't appologise for things. You have a right to ask for help and don't need to appologise for doing so. Try to be more confident.

Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 22:11:41

How do i stop it.....it sound about right what you are saying. How do I stop it if I dont feel or see what I am doing?

sambo2 Mon 10-Aug-09 22:12:01

Never apologise for asking for help. I am in no position to offer words of wisdom - but I am sure you are a lovely person. I think it would be worthwhile talking to your GP about how you feel and seeking some professional help.

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:14:38

you need to work on building your feelings of self-worth, self esteem and confidence.

You need to love yourself, basically.

It might require professional help.

Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 22:16:16

I am not a bad mum and my children do not suffer in anyway from me. They have everything and would have no clue I feel this way. If I spoke to my GP, surely they would assume I am a nut case or something?

I just feel sad alot of the time and hold it all back until I write it down and put it in a post like this.

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:24:38

Of course you are not a bad mum!! But you obviously don't value yourself very much.

No one will think you are a nutcase, just that you have low self esteem and could do with help with boosting it!

piscesmoon Mon 10-Aug-09 22:28:34

I should build on your success-you must be loveable to have married and get on well with family. Your DCs love you and you are the one they want.I'm sure that if you tried it you could write lots of positives.
I would forget about making friends and take up something that really interests you and you want to do-you are much more likely to meet like minded people. Making friends with people just because you have the same aged DCs is a bit artificial and you may just have nothing in common. Another way to get to know people is to volunteer-it is much easier to chat if you have a job to do rather than just making small talk for the sake of it.
If you don't think either of these things would work I would try your GP, he won't think you a nutcase-lots of people post on mumsnet saying the same thing-so you are not alone.

Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 22:30:06

how can seeing professional help, help me? What can they do, they cant really change anything...and if I dont know what I am doing before I even do it then how am I to be helped. I think I must give off the wrong, desperate siganls but I am desperate for some good friends I can trust etc. I am not going to spend ervyday ringing them etc...I ahve my own things to do. It would be nice just to have people that ring me nw and again. I dont know how councellors work? or what they can do?

CarGirl Mon 10-Aug-09 22:32:11

hmmm what is the name of the book recommend on here something like "the unwritten rules of friendship" perhaps that would be good to read to help you help your older dc at this point?

Perhaps somehow your insecurity over this issue does come across on a subconscious level?

piscesmoon Mon 10-Aug-09 22:36:41

You won't know what they can do unless you go! I expect there are some very simple things that you can change-for example body language that you are not aware of. You have nothing to lose by seeking help-it might be useless but it might turn your life around-you will never know which unless you give it a try.

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:46:25

they can help you to change negative thought patterns.

Alternatively, I recommend you read a book called The Road Less Travelled, it could help you change your own thought patterns and subconscious negativity and self-laothing.

You can change the way you feel, but it is a hard thing to do that requires a lot of effort and commitment, so professional help can help this.

naturopath Mon 10-Aug-09 22:46:25

Definitely talk to your gp about getting a referral - if possible, to a cognitive-behavioural therapist (CBT). There are lots of different tyes of counsellors /therapists etc. You will have to find the right one for you, but I suspect CBT will be the right way to start. They will owrk on how you perceive matters (e.g. everyone hates me, I am unloveable etc.) and will help you see things in a more rational way (e.g. this person cannot hate me - they just met me!)

Also, why don't you have a browse of the self-help section of a bookshop - books like "how to win friends and influence people" and "feel the fear and do it anyway" I think would be good for you. Also "Understanding Depression" (Paul Gilbert??) would be a good book for you to read.

Also, as people said above, definitely stop apologising for everything - I have been guilty of this myself and people don't like it. Be confident and expect people to like you and want to spend time with you - that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, be interested in what ohers have to say, their interests etc. People like it when they feel that they are the centre of attention.
hth!

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 22:47:08

I would recommend CBT too, if you can get it.

Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 22:50:20

I feel better reading your messages but I am 30 now and it si gonna be a hard step. I feel like I cant face being judges anymore. I have even considered the thought I may suffer from aspergers. Then I dont want to say that to a GP in case they dont think that at all. I have read alot and alot seems true for me with regads to aspergers. I am very blunt in conversation and say things veryu out of context, honest really. I have tried to curb this but it just comes out. I think I come across as rude. Then when I think about it I dont think I was...I dont know.....I just dont know what to think. Without any of you meeting me it is hard for me to get it across

naturopath Mon 10-Aug-09 22:51:21

Also, another thought - maybe you should try doing something that will give you a bit more confidence in yourself generally - maybe take a course in something, take up drawing / cooking .. something you know you will be good at, or something unusual, like learning a foreign language just for the sake of it. Might be good to get out of a rut, meet some new people and practice your new confidence skills that you will learn in the books / from the CBT? Jsut a thought..

naturopath Mon 10-Aug-09 22:53:52

definitely tell your gp - the worst that can happen is that they'll be unsympathetic, in which case you should see another gp, and/or find an alternative route to a suitable therapist (sorry, not exactly sure what that would be).

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 10-Aug-09 22:59:43

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon Mon 10-Aug-09 23:02:21

It will be a hard step, but if you are prepared for that it is well worth the effort, 30 is very young and you have lots of years left-make the most of them by seeking help now. Channel your thoughts into the ways people have suggested and cut out the negatives. If it all too much to do at once-start with one of the books-TOMORROW.

Isitmeoryou Mon 10-Aug-09 23:13:38

I have already ordered a couple off books mentioned online just now. Thanks for all the book mentions. Couldnt imagine buying them face to face lol!

I have never herd of CBT ( I thought that was a the first test for a motorcycle) lol. I have looked it up and all the examples of negative thinking sounds just like me....so I think that is a good start. Can you get this help of the NHS, from a referral froma doctor?

naturopath Mon 10-Aug-09 23:35:33

I'm pretty sure the gp can do the referral to see a CBT therapist on the NHS, although it may be a long wait - so try to get the referral, and then make a start with the books in the meantime - well done for ordering!

piscesmoon Tue 11-Aug-09 08:02:06

Great-glad to hear that you are already sounding much more positive!

Overmydeadbody Tue 11-Aug-09 09:02:24

As naturopath said, it can be a long wait to get a referral for CBT on the NHS, so while you wait read the books and try to make some small positive changes to your thinking.

Do you do any sort of excersise or sport at the moment? It might help to start some if you don't, as it releases endorphines that help you feel happy! Might be worth a shot, even if you just manage a ten minute run each evening.

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