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Can someone help me cope better with my DS 's destructive/angry/agressive behaviour

(4 Posts)
Faigle Fri 07-Aug-09 18:53:19

My DS is almost 12 years old and has a lot of "behavoural" problems.
I seem to experience the worst of it as I live alone with him (no siblings).
He is very intelligent in a purely academic/absract/rational way but completely emotionally immature-it's like he stopped developing emotionally at the age of 5 He has always had a terrible temper with lots of tantrums, but now his regular angry outursts are often physically and verbally abusive.
He reguarly screams/shouts and swears at me, and quite recently tried to atack me with a hoover attachment. The situation really got quite out of hand so I called the police. At this point he tried to jump off the balcony....in attempting to restrain him he accidently head butted me which caused me a massive nose bleed. By the time the police arrived he was all meek and mild. He was terrified of being sent away to SS for he night,which i had the option to request. But i chose not to, hoping that the shock of calling the polce would stop his violent outbursts.
Since then he has not physically attacked me, but he contiues to what I can only describe as "torment" me daily. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do/or something doesn't go the way he wants it he makes my life hell and is really cruel and nasty.
For example I said i would buy him a milkshake if he got up and got ready in the morning easily and with no bad atitude (mornings are generally hell). He managed it, so I bought him the milkshake. After that he asked to be taken out to lunch ((earlier in the week I said we could do that together) However, his behaviour has been generally bad this week so i didn't feel inclined to do it. When i told him this,just after he'd had the £4.00 milkshake with double toppings he went crazy demanding a good reason (the fact that he'd been badly behaved wasn't reason enough for him) and then was calling me loudly in the street a liar and demanding an apology from me for lying to him about going out to lunch.

He is very argumentative, always falling out with the few friends he has, and has had a very difficult start to Secodary school where he has eneded up in a special unit because he was very argumentative/challenging with the teachers-questioning their authority etc.

Apart from his "oppositional/arguementative" side, he is also very "anxious" in new social situations,acting in a very awkward way and seemingly unable to behave in a socially appropriate way for his age. I think his aggressivness is partly a way of coping with his social anxiety.
Anyway,I know he has lots of problems/struggles and life for himm is possibly emotionallly more complex than for other nearly 12 year olds,(he is btw having counselling hrough CAMHS)but the main reason for posting is to ask if there's anyone else on MN with a similar experience to this and if so how do you cope, because TBH I am not coping a all well at the moment-the situation has made me very depressed/anxious and lacking in confidence/self eteem both as a parent and person generally. I am waiting for counselling myself via GP but am desperate now. I can't take ADs-physically don't agree with me so am waking up at the moment every day feeling sick with dread at what the day with DS will bring.
On he other hand when he is calm/relaxed and happy he can be lovely and is very affectionate and tells me he loves me a lot. At those times I can forgive him everything!
But on the whole he is very hard to parent and it is totally affecting my mental health to the point where I feel there's very little joy in my life-I just wake uo and look forward to when I can go back to bed and forget it all for 8 hours.

I don't want sympathy, and certainly don't want anyone to tell me what a crap DS I seem o have(that would merely make me feel worse)I just want to hear from anyone who might be going through something similar to perhaps share some coping strategies/give some moral support because I just can't switch off from it all, it consumes my every wakng thought (the fact that the person I love so much is being so destruuctive and ruining his life and our relationship)and that because he is y son I can't abandon him but he is mentally detroying me and for my own mental health feel the need to get away from him.
sorry this is a long post. Please anyone who can help me please reply.
Thanks for reading.

AliasSmithorJones Fri 07-Aug-09 21:06:16

I'm sure there will be someone along any minute who can help much more effectively than I.

However, his behaviour sounds very much like that of my godson who has just been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.

shellmc Fri 07-Aug-09 22:09:54

Hello faigle!!!!

Your DS sounds soooo much like my brothers!!
My mam is currently going tru hell and at the end of her tether, I am 24 and i have 2 brothers one who is 19 and one who will be 6 next week.
Both of them have ADHD and everythig your saying is exactly how they both behave i really dont know how my mam copes!!!
My eldest brother just wont be told, and was very distruptive at school and soo was permantly expelled at the age of 14 and so had to go to a special unit also.
He would swear and do anything at all just to disrupt other pupils at school. He started like this at the age of 9 thats when he set off swearing and screaming at my mam, call her names throw things and has actually hit her before. After doc appt ect he was referred to the hospital to see a consultant about his anger and behaviour i must say he has got better over the years but still has his moments now.
Im not living at home anymore im married now with a 9 week old little baby, but i know how much hurt my mam is going tru as it has now started all over again with my youngest brother. He is on report card at school at the age of 5 he has mood swings one min he will sit and colour or cuddle you the next he is swearing and smashing things!!!
I do understand how you must be feeling hun, i have grew up seeing how my mam has had to cope and what she is going tru again now, My youngest brother is constantly on the go and just doesnt understand why he is being told off when he has done anything wrong, you can talk to him but you can just tell he is not listening. He has recently had one to one support in school and been referred also to hospital they have just came back with he is also autistic too.
Has your son had any tests done to see if there is a reason behind his behaviour you say he is aving counsiling is it helping at all????

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Fri 07-Aug-09 22:18:34

I think you need to print this off and show it to your GP. I would second possible aspergers, the world is really tough for people with this syndrome, they don't see the world the same way. I am in the process of getting my son assessed, he can't see the things he does that make problems for him and he has a very strong sense of right and wrong, he'll follow the rules, even if they cause problems with his peers. If I have to change my plans then he can get quite irate with me.
I have to explain alot to him, it's time consuming and takes alot of patience. he doesn't get social cues, he can be really inappropriate and immature at times yet he's a loving, helpful and very bright child. He will argue with me, I have to be blunt and tell him this is how it is and why. It's a hard slog.
The GP can refer him to a paediatrician, it will really help you both.

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