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Would you advise your sister to have kids?

(20 Posts)
Passdevino Tue 04-Aug-09 17:36:15

Bit of a different query to the motherhood delusion threads: younger sis (age 35) thinking about having kids, asked my advice, my instinctive reaction was: don't do it! Shocked myself, as I've always loved my ds and dd and enjoyed their company. Didn't say any of this out loud of course - said to her 'it's your decision, will support you 100%' (and meant it) - but realised afterwards I probably wouldn't have kids in her position: she travels loads, has fulfilling career, older dp (50s) with independent life, lovely house. She works at a youth theatre so has IMO the best of kids without their grumps. We're v. close, so I believe her when she says she's happy w her life and wants kids mainly in case she regrets not doing so later. Was so shaken up by my reaction I wanted to find out - what do others think? Am I being a bit 'the grass is always greener' and forgetting the true joys of parenthood?? Do other people evangelise to their friends and relatives? Feel a bit disloyal to my dcs just for thinking like this...

K999 Tue 04-Aug-09 17:39:08

I am always honest when people ask me this question - that its their choice, that its hard work but that the rewards outweigh all that. No-one can ever make the choice for you. smile

Passdevino Tue 04-Aug-09 17:44:29

So true K999...totally agree, just feel irrationally guilty that I didn't immediately think 'go for it' cos it feels like disloyalty to my kids, suggesting a childfree life might have appealed to me in different circs, mad I know and wouldn't be without them.

PrincessToadstool Tue 04-Aug-09 17:47:37

But can you imagine the heartache of hitting the point when you can't and regretting that?

I say this as someone who is not evangelical about motherhood.

loler Tue 04-Aug-09 18:02:20

I've tried to put a answer down - have ended up deleting everything and the only answer I can put is, I don't know!

35 seems quite old to me to not have had a big craving for a dc in the past. I would have pointed out everything she could miss out on in her current life with a well balanced - or you could have a baby that is likely to drive you nuts eventually but who you would willing give your life for.

Difficult!

sarah293 Tue 04-Aug-09 18:06:13

Message withdrawn

Passdevino Tue 04-Aug-09 18:54:46

Riven - lol - fortunately my sis isn't like that...was just talking to my DH and he said 'sure she should have them, I can't imagine life without ours'. Glad to have such a supportive man around, but blush can't say I'd unhesitatingly choose this again if I knew all I knew now...aw, guess I would tho.

expatinscotland Tue 04-Aug-09 18:57:40

I wouldn't advise anyone to have kids, tbh.

I love them to bits but if I knew then what I know now I'd never have had kids at all.

sarah293 Tue 04-Aug-09 19:13:25

Message withdrawn

Gateau Wed 05-Aug-09 09:19:42

Yes, yes, yes, I would tell her to have them. I think life would be empty without them. But as others have said, I would not hold back in telling her it's hard work and a dramatic life change!

Schulte Wed 05-Aug-09 09:35:43

I think if she isn't 100% sure, then she shouldn't do it (yet).

CMOTdibbler Wed 05-Aug-09 09:43:57

I'd say that it was a decision unique to each woman and couple. It is a life changing thing to do, but it doesn't have to mean losing all the things she has now.

I didn't have DS until I was 33, and it wasn't till my first mc that I knew that I really wanted to have a child.

I have friends who are happily childfree, and totally respect that. Other people (I'm sure) look at us as a one child, two full time jobs that involve travelling, and wonder why we had DS or don't want a 'proper' family. It's all horses for courses

artichokes Wed 05-Aug-09 09:56:38

I would honestly wonder what the point of life was if I never had children. I say this as someone with a great career and lovely friends. I say it even though I find my kids exhausting and challenging and, at times, totally impossible. Despite all the down sides I feel that having kids and raising them with love has given my life meaning.

If your sister thinks she might have regrets if she passes on parenthood then I suspect she will have those regrets. If she was 100% certain that kids are not for her then that is different but she obviously is uncertain. I cannot imagine the loneliness of old age without a big, warm family.

I was an only child born to a very driven career woman who travelled the world until she was 38 and then realised she wanted kids. On my mother's death bed she told me that on reflection the only bit of her life that meant anything was me and she regretted not having had more children.

So yes. I would encourage my (hypothetical) sister to think long and hard before deciding against kids.

MadameCastafiore Wed 05-Aug-09 10:03:08

I think there is nothing that will bring you more fulfillment in life than having a child and bringing it up.

So a big fat YES from me.

(Although any child born to my sister I would feel very sorry for, although that is a whole different story!)

LuvLee Wed 05-Aug-09 17:00:18

Yes, without a doubt...(who else is going to wipe my bum when I'm old and infirm!).

mumblechum Wed 05-Aug-09 17:10:06

My sister's a grandma so she might be a bit surprised if I suggested it grin

mumblechum Wed 05-Aug-09 17:11:04

Same age as your sister's dp! If he's in his fifties it seems awfully late to start.

ninah Wed 05-Aug-09 17:16:29

agree with expat on this

Passdevino Wed 05-Aug-09 19:05:43

Interesting responses (and glad to know I'm not the only one who has the occasional off-day...)! Artichokes I really felt like you'd expressed it well, but then I just chatted to sis today and seems like mumblechum might've put yr finger on it - her dp is wondering if 51 just might be too late to begin unless they are both really keen. Apparently our mum (not the most tactful lady) suggested to sis that she leave her dp to find a more likely potential dad! I think that little conversation might explain her recent wonderings about the childfree life...I know some women do leave their partners because kids mean so much, but sis clearly isn't one of them, despite ma's longing for more grandkids hmm

Horton Wed 05-Aug-09 20:27:33

I would definitely advise my sister to have children. And I'd advise her to have them much younger than I did. I think she should start as soon as possible (she's 20).

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