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When does it become fun

(125 Posts)
Roopoo Mon 03-Aug-09 09:10:10

Hi
I have posted before about a couple of things but just wondered when I can expect to start enjoying being a mummy.
I really don't enjoy it... I don't think Im very good at it to be fair.. I don't really enjoy playing with her and the sound of her crying and screaming (which she does a lot of I have posted about this) fills me with despair....

I had high hopes for motherhood and feel a little bit cheated... I feel very resentful for a life that I loved that I will never get back again........
I have ok days and then bad days...

I do love her.... But if I knew then what I know now I don't think I would have had a child... People ask me when Im planning the next one and the thought of it makes me feel all cold and sick...

DH loves it all... he finds her amazing and they are smitten with each other... Maybe it's me.... I just wondered if it all got easier after a certain age??? She is 15 weeks.....

Sometimes when I think about my life and the way I feel... and I wonder if it will ever get better and when I think that it won't I just want to go to bed and never have to wake up...

I was soo happy before I became a mum.. The life and soul of the party... now I seem to follow my DH round like a shadow with tears in my eyes...

Please don't tell me I have PND as I don't think I do....

Please don't flame me for feeling this way, I just wondered if maybe when they get to 6 months they stop the constant screaming and fighting sleep and life becomes a little easier......

I had such high hopes and dreams of being a mummy... It's all I ever wanted...

Dior Mon 03-Aug-09 09:13:20

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I didn't enjoy the early stages either, so I can empathise. Ds didn't sleep through until 8m and only had half hour naps during the day. I was exhausted.

It DOES get better - really it does. You must be shattered. Can your dh look after her for a day so that you can just go to bed and rest?

pasturesnew Mon 03-Aug-09 09:16:44

When you can sleep again - hopefully before then, but I can't overstate how much difference sleep makes, even if the baby is still night waking but settles into a regular pattern this helps a lot as your own sleep pattern then has a chance to fit round it. I really believe it's 99% about rest and not about your feelings as a mummy and certainly not about the baby at all.

SJisontheway Mon 03-Aug-09 09:24:08

I think it gets much more fun when their personalities emerge. 15 weeks is still very young and they are still very helpless at this age. I wouldn't worry about not thinking about a second right now. It's very common not to even contemplate this until the sleepless nights and helpless baby days are well behind you. best of luck.

Gateau Mon 03-Aug-09 09:25:14

I feel so sorry you feel this way; you sound so sad. But it WILL get better. When that will be differs for each person.
Everyone is different and a lot of people will tell you things got better when their LOs turned six months or so. For me it was recently - and DS is 2.3!! He's adorable and his personality has really started to shine through. He's starting to talk loads and is such a funny little chap. I adore him to bits and he really is the light of my life.
I raced back to work when he was just over 10 months sad but now I wish I was at home with him full-time.
Some people just aren't 'baby' people; seems I'm one of them. I'm hoping I may become more of one though when DC2 comes along in Oct/Nov. But if I find I'm not then I know the toddler stage is coming soon.
That;s just me though: don;t worry; you may love it all a lot sooner than this. All the best.

LIZS Mon 03-Aug-09 09:26:50

She's only 15 weeks , way too little to expect much appreciation for your efforts. I think some love the dependent baby stage(especially those who don't have it all day every day) and some don't , many fall somewhere in between. It is tough beign tired and having to anticipate and deal with a lo's needs.

Babies become more interested in what is going on around them from about the time they can sit up , but the period between that the potential annoyance of mobility can be fairly short I'm afraid. do you get out togetrh and meet other mums ? Plan ahead to join activities like swimming and music classes which will get you out, stimulate and tire the baby and maybe help structure your day/week. Some of these will have waiting lists so by the time you/dd are ready for them hopefully a place may have come up. Make time for yourself too - do any adult ed or fitness classes have a creche or could dh cover an evening ?

There is no defined cut off for the behaviour you are facing but you will find these things easier to deal with over time , and other phases may well supersede them. Be prepared for the unexpected and sudden changes, one day at a time. You may not have pnd but it might help to talk to someone anyway - ask your hv to recommend - about the changes you are experiencing and how you perhaps had unrealistic expectations and are disappointed with your life now.

good luck

fluffyanimal Mon 03-Aug-09 09:28:22

It WILL get better, I promise. The early days of tiny babyhood can be SO boring, and that as much as the lack of sleep can wear you down. I second what the previous posters have said about rest and sleep. But also important is getting out the house. Do you know any other mums from a post-natal class, or is there a local mums and tots group? Just somewhere you can go for a cup of coffee and a change of scene.

It's great you had high hopes and dreams and really wanted to be a mum, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to find it bloody hard work and dull as dishwater for some time. Also, you are perfectly entitled to miss your childless life - doesn't mean you don't love your daughter or want her or that you aren't a good mum. God there are plenty of times when I look back wistfully at the times dh and I could go out on a whim, or have long sexy lie-ins, have control of the TV etc etc. But really it does get better. Try to focus on the simple things and small achievements and keep repeating the MN mantra: "This too will pass" - and before you know it you'll have a cheeky giggling toddler who's into everything and you'll be looking back wishing she was still a tiny baby who just lay there...

Hassled Mon 03-Aug-09 09:29:27

Please don't just dismiss the PND theory - feeling that you want to go to bed and never have to wake up means that you are really pretty damn low. If you need a bit of help to get you past this, then accept it - do you like your HV enough to have a chat?

I agree that some people just don't really get or enjoy the baby stage. Lack of sleep is a huge part of that. I have to say I enjoyed all of my children much much more when they were toddlers and beyond. It does get fun, I promise - infuriating and exhausting, but certainly fun as well.

Roopoo Mon 03-Aug-09 09:32:45

Thanks for the replies..
I guess Im just not a baby person...

I really want to go back to work... but everyone tells me I will regret it...

Maybe I would feel better is she slept in her own room...I feel Im never apart from her which is oppresive...

I lost my DH when I had her, he was smitten from day one.... He loves her sooo much.. It's so sweet to watch them together... But something changed... He can't understand how I feel at all... We used to really "get" each other and now I feel like Im living in a house with a stranger....
We were such a happy couple...best friends as well as partners and I feel like i'm in mourning for the people that we were and the relationship that we had.... He tells me that I just have to accept that things have changed and that we have a DD now etc... But what if I can't accept the changes???

I can't afford to get excited or hopeful anymore... Everyone told me that when she got to 12 weeks everything would change and it would get better...I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach for about a week when it got to week 12 and nothing changed....

sorry for being such a misery

LIZS Mon 03-Aug-09 09:38:58

I think you are overthinking it a bit, probably out of exhaustion and general confusion. You will find a way of being a threesome, it could just happen, but it is a huge lifestyle change and it is perfectly reasonable to acknowledge this. Make some positive plans for the rest of your ml (please don't rush back to work to escape) and find soemone to talk to outside your family. If it means reclaimign your bedroom space, for example, then do so - ds and I slept better once we'd moved him. Personally I think it was really mean of anyone to suggest a 12 week "deadline" to you , no babies are alike and those who have had them conveniently forget what they went through and blur timescales.

Hassled Mon 03-Aug-09 09:39:13

Your relationship will change, and some couples find it very hard to adapt. But in most cases you come through the changes more committed to each other, with a shared bond that is worth a lot. It just takes time to get used to it - if you look at how much you've had to adjust to in 15 weeks (which is no time at all really), no wonder you're feeling wobbly.

Please talk to your HV - let a professional decide whether you have PND. It happens to a huge number of women, but there is treatment.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 03-Aug-09 09:40:45

It will get better - and the sleep deprivation is a big part of it, once she starts sleeping more you will feel a lot less grim.
In the meantime though, are you getting time away from her? Just a couple of hours a week will do, but you actually benefit a lot from remembering that you are a person as well as a mum - if you are BF it's still doable; get your H to look after her for an hour or so while you walk round the shops or sit in a cafe with a book or something.

fluffyanimal Mon 03-Aug-09 09:43:34

You poor thing. Don't apologise for being miserable. Motherhood is a universe-changing adjustment.

How much daily-grind care does your dh do? Is he at work all day then comes home to cuddle dd? Did he take paternity leave? Sounds like you really need to talk together about how you are feeling, and perhaps see if there's a chance you could have a weekend break, go and stay with your parents or a friend or something for a night and leave him totally in charge. he then might appreciate how you feel a bit more.

What's your job? I'm very into my career and being away from it for a year was so hard, so if you were really into your job before that can be hard to adjust to as well. It can be part of your identity and it can feel like you've lost a part of yourself. When were you originally planning to go back to work? No reason you can't talk to your dh and find out childcare options for a compromise to bring the date further forward, give you a goalpost so to speak. Don't give a stuff about what "everyone" says (apart from MNers of course grin).

But also, do talk to your HV or GP about how you are feeling too. And keep posting here.

Roopoo Mon 03-Aug-09 09:46:02

Thank you

I'm pretty good friends with my HV.. she is lovely, just can't seem to pass the PND questionnaire...which is why she comes for fornightly visits.. I've just rung the doctors and made an appointment... maybe I do need to speak to someone...

Thanks xx

fluffyanimal Mon 03-Aug-09 09:47:33

Let us know how you get on Roopoo.

artifarti Mon 03-Aug-09 09:50:06

RooPoo - Sorry you are feeling like this. Having a baby is such an enormous thing - it changes every part of your life in ways that you can't hope to guess at before you have kids. But things will get better - on all fronts. And I agree that lack of sleep makes you deranged - I certainly found that. Babies don't really give a lot back and it can feel like take, take, take - and then of course you feel guilty etc. for feeling like that.

Most people I know have found it sooo hard - but also don't always discuss it openly. I assumed that everyone else was breezing through it and I was the only one drowning but it was months later that I found everyone else had been weeping into the floor as well. Have you joined mother and baby groups or classes? Or just make sure you get out of the house as much as possible - I even go for walks in the pouring rain!

There's no 'magic point' where everything gets better but it gradually will. My DS is 11.5 months now and sometimes I still feel like tearing my hair out but that's much rarer now. They develop a personality, start giving more back and get a bit more predictable/sleepy.

But, in the meantime, as SGB says, try and get a bit of time for yourself. It will get better. smile

iwouldgoouttonight Mon 03-Aug-09 09:56:54

I could have written your post when my DS was that age, I really know what you're going through. I was also desperate to be a mother and thought I'd be great at it, and nothing could have prepared me for how my life would change and all the crying (his and mine!)

My relationship with DP suffered as well, somebody told me it can take two years for your relationship to adjust from being jwo oust the two of you to being a family. So if it feels strange now it won't necessarily be like that forever, it just takes a bit of time to get used to there being three of you. My mistake was not talking to DP enough about how I felt, I still don't do it enough but its getting better. I have to make a big effort to talk about stuff, as by the time it gets to the end of the day I just want to watch telly for a bit and go to sleep!

DS is nearly three now and we have a six month old DD too. I think things started to get better when DS was about five or six months - it was a gradual process, I didn't wake up one day and suddenly think how happy I was but it got better one day at a time (I know a day can seem like a year when they're young babies).

I think I did have PND - I went to the doctors and they referred me to a counsellor, but to be honest it didn't help much as she was so busy I could only see her every few weeks. I think I just gradually got better with time. I went back to work when he was six months old and that also make me feel more like my old self again.

We put him into his own room when he was 10 weeks - it was mainly because we kept waking each other up. He slept much better in his own room, and getting more sleep really helped me feel much better.

Also going to baby groups helped me a lot. I'm quite shy so was nervous going and didn't want to chat about how I was feeling straight away, but just being with other mothers in the same situation makes you realise your feelings are quite normal, and all babies cry a lot and all mums feel stressed/bored/sad/whatever some of the time. It gave me a bit of structure to the day too, knowing that I wasn't just stuck in the house with my own company.

When DS was the same age as your DD there was no way I could have considered having another baby, but once he was about a year old I realised I was really enjoying him and loved spending time with him. They change so much in the first year so you probably can't imagine how your DD will be in a few months time, but once she's learnt to be more independent and explore her surroundings she will be much easier to enjoy, and much less dependent on you.

I was so nervous about the first few months with DD as I thought I'm definitely not a baby person and was dreading it, but it was completely different this time around. I actually enjoyed the newborn stage and felt sad going back to work!

Sorry for the long post! Your post just touched a nerve with me as I really know how you feel and I promise it will get better.

MIFLAW Mon 03-Aug-09 09:58:46

My limited experience suggests that it's fun when you let it be (I am a man, but a very "hands-on" man - I'm not just fun-time dad.)

I do think if you're expecting pure unalloyed joy you are in for permanent disappointment, and I also think that, especially in the first few months, any fun is going to be tinged with fear and also feeling of "ho hum - more faeces". I think the fear is probably even stronger for mothers - fear of "is my baby okay?" but also fear of "am I really in charge here?"

It's not for everyone - I took some convincing myself at first - but having a routine really helped us in terms of the crying and sleepless nights.

Good luck.

MIFLAW Mon 03-Aug-09 10:00:46

I mean having a routine is not for everyone, of course - I don't thi nk anyone is naturally disbarred from being a successful and happy parent, so hope that last sentence didn't seem to mean that!

Roopoo Mon 03-Aug-09 10:03:30

iwouldgoouttonight - thank you so much xx Im sat here in tears.. I think your the first person who has really understood where I am coming from xx Thankyou xx

Thanks for caring fluffy animal x

Meglet Mon 03-Aug-09 10:07:00

IME 15 week old babies are not that thrilling, I would have preferred it if I could have skipped the early months and someone could have handed me a 6 month old. The initial rush of motherhood has gone and nothing else is happening, no weaning, no sitting up etc. I agree with you about it getting better at 6 months, you can start doing them food (although that creates serious mess) and they are more robust and starting to move. It will be ok smile.

And I expect your DH enjoys her more as he is at work and she is more of a novelty, anyone can have fun with a baby for a short time each day. Its when you are looking after them day & night week in week out that it takes its toll.

Reallytired Mon 03-Aug-09 10:11:24

Please don't feel any shame in having postnatal depression. It can affect any woman. Women from all walks of life and levels of intelligence and income can suffer from it.

I was in denial about having postnatal depression and as a result it got pretty severe. I am sure that if I had had help sooner I would not had got into such a mess.

If its any consulation, it does get better and women make a good recovery from even the most severe post natal depression.

MollieO Mon 03-Aug-09 10:12:28

I found the whole baby stage really difficult and pretty boring. As a mum you are not supposed to say that out loud. I found that once you could have a conversation with them it made it a lot easier and for me that was 18 months.

I thought it was particularly difficult as I seemed to be the only person I know who didn't like babies. I hated all the cooing and stuff that would go on and how you are supposed to coo over other people's babies if you have a baby.

It does get better but for some, like me, you just have to be patient.

muffle Mon 03-Aug-09 10:26:06

15 weeks seems like forever when it's your first baby, but with hindsight I can now promise you that so much will change, so fast. I would think about the possibility of mild PND - you may find there is medication that really helps - but at the same time she's young enough for you still to be in the normal overwhelmed and teary stage.

I found a big difference started between 6 and 12 months - when the baby starts eating food, sleeping longer, and interacting more - they just become more of a "person". Then from 12 months you start with the walking and talking and it gets much more exciting.

You have not lost your old life, or your DH, I promise. You have to make some big adjustments at first but it's really good that he's a very enthusiastic dad - make the most of that so you get breaks - and when she is only a bit older than this you will be able to go out in the evenings, do things like take her to festivals and camping, enjoy things like parks and zoos and museums and going out for lunch - take it from me, I now have a 4-year-old and I feel that since he was about 9 months I've been able to do whatever I normally would have, though of course with a bit of planning. I'm in a band, I work part-time, I go to the cinema and gigs, I see friends all the time. I remember feeling I would never be the same again but that does pass.

And if you want to work, work. Start planning it now if it will help you feel more normal. For some mothers, including me, I think it's essential. I need that headspace and different way of thinking. I work 3 days so still have 4 out of 7 with DS which works well for us I think (he goes to nursery).

pointydog Mon 03-Aug-09 10:32:30

It becomes fun when you get a break.

Getting a break could mean:

- sitting in a baby/toddler group talking to other people

- having someone else around to help out (mum, partner)

- having someone take your baby away for an hour or so to give you a chance to breathe in peace

I felt very restricted and really quite lonely when dd1 was born. It's better if you just accept teh changes, accept the new ties and just focus on each day.

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