Pick your battles. Have a fair, valid reason for your arguments. Talk don't screech E.g. "Id rather you didn't talk to me like that" instead of "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!" Don't interrogate them about their whereabouts but expect then to tell you where they are going to be and ring if they are going to be late. They are not always rational and you have to allow for that. Remember you have already survived the toddler years!
Going through teenage years with two lovely daughters. Have read shocking stories in tabloids about teenagers who cannot cope when they leave home.
Lets talk about money balance, in a common sense in teenage language, putting aside money, spending money so that these foundational steps can be worked upon during late teens and twenties when leaving home happens.
Be prepared for anything- including the possibility that she may be a completely charming teenager who understands some things a good deal better than you do.
Just concentrate on being the best, calmest, most decent and most impressive adult you can.
And remember that the end goal is not to bring her back under your control: it is to help her become an independent adult.
Let it be known that you are unshockable: that there is nothing so bad that she can't tell you, either concerning herself or a friend.
Also let her know that she can always rely on you to help her out of a bad situation, either by taking on the part of an ogre ("I'd love to come for a sleepover with you and your creepy boyfriend but my mum just won't let me") or by turning up in the middle of the night to pick her up, drunk and incoherent, from a party that is going wrong.
Let her know that you will always want her to be safe more than you will want to be spared the gory details.
Find something you both enjoy doing together, however little. When the going is tough, you need some normality, you need some fun together.
Never underestimate the power of a shared laugh to get you through even the darkest times.
I second pick your battles too! I've found the teenage years the hardest - my ds is 15 and a good kid. But all good kids test the boundaries, they are learning about the adult world and need to make choices on their own. I always make sure I know where he is, when he's coming home and how he's getting home. I will often collect him and take his friends home too. I have his friends round for sleepovers and that way I get to know them, and them me. I always have snacks and pizzas in the freezer! That's very important!
Thanks for the advice. I have two daughters and feel rather scared for them but must aim to be the most unshockable, calm,and resourceful mum together with the mum's that I know and you mums out there who want to do what they can for their kids to make life smoother.