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Father moving to the other side of the world

(16 Posts)
looneymum Thu 30-Jul-09 13:39:29

Hi. I wonder does anyone know of a father who has emigrated and left his small children? We are currently going through a very unpleasant financial divorce dispute... mostly caused by him emigrating. He is going to be with his partner and her two children and is due to move in the next couple of months. I suppose I just want to try to understand how he can do this... have drawn a blank so far tho! xxx

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Thu 30-Jul-09 19:19:30

I struggle with this aswell. Ds's father moved abroad (not to the other side of the world though) six years ago. We were not together but he saw ds regularly. I have never understood why he did this, he married a couple of years ago and he has another child. It's hard as there are no answers, he did as he pleased and put himself before our child. I tend to worry about the things I can change now rather then him, it's not me that's loosing out. Ds benefits more from a parent that is there for him rather then someone that is around who doesn't want to be.

zonedout Thu 30-Jul-09 21:15:35

couldn't read this and not respond, i am the (adult) child of a father who emigrated when i was small. the whole situation was handled really badly by my both of my parents and i believe my father's actions will continue to impact upon me in so many ways until i die.i also believe that had things been handled more sensitively for my brother and i, the damage would have been much less. i am happy to discuss with you further from the child's point of view if you are interested. so sorry you and your children are going through this, it must be extremely tough for you (as i know it was for my mum many many years ago) sad

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 21:19:36

I would be really interested to know more zonedout - my dd's father is in Australia and apparently isn't keen to come back any time soon as he has met someone else.

i struggle all the time with understanding how he can bear to be apart from her and I want to be sure I am doing the right things to make it less horrible for her; I never bad mouth him, I let him stay at my flat when he comes over (he tries to visit every 4 months or so)

zonedout Thu 30-Jul-09 22:02:08

it's funny, as a child/teenager/young adult i struggled to understand how my father could abandon my brother and i to live thousands of miles away. on becoming a mother, i struggled with this even more and still do but the pain of the rejection is no longer so stifling. i have been blessed with a loving and relatively understanding dh and 2 adorable ds's (the irony of being surrounded by boys has not been lost on me grin) but find myself challenged on a daily basis with the fear of losing them/being left (this i realise probably makes me sound a little crazy, i am not (honest grin) and noone would know it about me!) goodness there is so much to say, i am not sure where to begin really;

as a child, i carried around the burden of guilt and shame, as though somehow my father's emigration was my fault. after all, i was never told otherwise. i was left to pick up my mum's shattered pieces (she was not in a good way psychologically). in those days there was much more stigma attached to divorce, let alone a parent emigrating, it was much less common.

sadly within my family was much whispering, blaming, shaming and general nastiness. what i probably needed was just a little extra love and understanding, to be reassured it was not my fault and that both parents loved me completely. and to be given te space to express my feelings in whatever way would have been age appropriate for me. i was painfully insecure and unsure of myself. and despite having a brother, was desperately lonely and alone amongst all the family drama.

it sounds like all the mum's posting here are giving far more thought to the impact on their dc's than my parents would have even dreamt of so it sounds like you will all be doing just grand amongst the pain and uncertainty you must all be feeling smile

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 22:07:25

thanks zonedout - I read a book on separating parents which stressed you must tell the children it is not their fault and mummy and daddy love them very much. Do you think if you had been told that it would have helped?

I just don't know what i am going to say if, when she is older she says 'but daddy can't have loved me that much if he didn't want to live near to me'.

how is your relationship with your parents now? (ignore me if this is too much)

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 22:09:00

sorry, just re read your post and realised mine is a bit stupid - of course it would have helped. blush

AnarchyAunt Thu 30-Jul-09 22:15:23

Looneymum I have been wondering about you! What happened in the end with the passports/medical issue?

No idea as to your OP. I wonder the same about my ex, who has never shown any interest in DD since he left. And he is only a couple of counties away... Horrible though isn't it, wondering how the hell they can just up and leave their DC, and how to explain that.

MollieO Thu 30-Jul-09 22:22:10

Ds's father is in the neighbouring county but has no interest in his life and may as well have emigrated. I think that some men (and it is mostly men) are just like that.

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 22:27:08

Do your children ever ask why their dads aren't around? And if so,what do you say?

I keep telling my dd that daddy is looking for a job in the UK and he would like to be near her... but this in fact a lie and I'm wondering how healthy this is.

What is a helpful thing to say if they confront you with the issue? or maybe I should say, what is the least worst way to handle it...

looneymum Fri 31-Jul-09 09:49:17

Hi Everyone. Thanks so much for all your responses... you are all a great support.

Fluffy. I like your sentiment that it is the father that loses out. I would do anything and everything for my DDs... he has missed so much ... he left when they were 5 and 3... they are now 7 and 5.

Spero. I too have tried hard not to bad mouth daddy. Got difficult the other week when he cancelled Sky tv... he had been paying it since he left and then reduced it to kids only package then just stopped paying. It is hard to explain why iCarly, Hannah Montana and SpongeBob are no more without going into the detail that daddy would prefer to start his "new life" (that is what he keeps calling it!) and doesn't care about what happens in their lives.

Mollie - I think you are dead right... some blokes just seem to be able to completely remove themselves from their responsibilities without a thought for how the remaining parent is going to cope.


looneymum Fri 31-Jul-09 10:16:34

Hi Zonedout. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I don't know where to start with my questions... perhaps you should go and make a cuppa!

Firstly, you don't sound crazy at all! What an unthinkable situation to deal with. I think you should be very proud of yourself as it sounds like you dealt with the emotional stress almost alone.

I feel that I have protected my girls as well as possible in the most unreal of situations. Daddy has been very unreasonable tho, cancels visits, refused to keep on paying for their private schooling. His main concern appears to be to pay as little as possible and to leave as much upset whilst expecting me to facilitate the ongoing relationship.... I have always been generous with access. I gather (thru the kids) that he wants them to have a webcam and that his parents will take them to Aus in the hols.... I doubt I will be letting them out of my sight until they are much older.

All that said, I want them to understand that Mummy and Daddy still love and that I am not going anywhere. It is likely we will have much upset re housing, schools and lack of cash but I have told DD1 that whatever happens the three of us will be together and that is all that matters. Of course, you never know what is going on in those little heads but I just want them to feel secure.

As you say Zone, things were perhaps a little different when there wasn't such an array of ways to keep in contact and when understanding of emotional issues were less talked about. I am unsure how to maintain the relationship between Daddy and DDs. I do not communicate with soon to be ex DH apart from through e-mail and text. If things are not settled financially we will go to a final court hearing in January and I will be financially ruined. So, as you can see, I am struggling to detach the relationship with the girls from how I will actually manage to survive.... he is putting us in that situation and I am finding it hard to be really objective. Do you think it would be more or less helpful for daddy to appear on a webcam every couple of days... he also intends that the rest of his family will keep in touch by this method. He has told the girls that daddy is moving to Aus to live in a big house with a pool and a slide and his new family...get the picture.... eldest DD is v excited but obviously doesnt understand that you can't just go for the weekend! I am imagining they will be upset and cry after they have spoken/seem him on the cam... I will be left trying to calm them and will feel that we cannot get on with out lives due to the intrusion that is purely "remote" and cannot be backed up with physical or emotional support.....

Sorry I am rambling now! Zone - in an ideal world how would you have like the relationship with your Daddy to have been maintained? Would you have found it upsetting to have little snippets of Daddy but no cuddles and kisses?

Thanks so much. xxxx

looneymum Fri 31-Jul-09 10:26:20

Hi Anarchy. Thanks for posting. Things still as mad as ever here! I'm not sure whether I posted to say that the DDs had their medicals without the passports - don't bloody know how he got away with that but he seems to just get his own way with everything... even the law! His fancy piece and her two kids were granted right to remove and they went to Aus about three weeks ago... as mentioned to Zone, he is fuelling the kids with stories of big houses in Aus, slides and lots of animals... bizarre! The financial stuff still isn't sorted and although it is up to him to settle he is now being awkward.

So, how are things with you? Do you get many questions about where Daddy is and why he doesn't visit much? It's just surreal but do you know I am happier now than I ever was when we were together... I think I just got on with life then... and didn't realise just how frustrated I was... he was a rubbish Daddy then and will, it would seem, continue to be so! xx

zonedout Fri 31-Jul-09 13:24:18

looney, just to let you know there is so much i want to respond to you with... 2 small boys not conducive to do it right now but i will be back with that cuppa as soon as i get a free second...

Spero Fri 31-Jul-09 21:10:38

looneymum, I wonder about the webcam too. My dd is 4 and she seems to struggle with keeping up a conversation - her dad seems to think that webcam once a week is a great idea. I'm not so sure but i guess it is better than nothing?

looneymum Sat 01-Aug-09 21:30:42

Hi Spero. Not sure about the web cam at all. Daddy picked DDs up for a two week hol yesterday and DD1 has been wailing to me on the phone tonight saying she wants to come home..... just don't think he can deal with DDs. I dont want them upset. xxx

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