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7.5 months pg with number 2 and terrified about everything, beginning to feel quite sick with anxiety

(11 Posts)
minxofmancunia Wed 29-Jul-09 10:23:58

Really really wanted pg number 2 to happen and feel lucky it did so quickly but am now sick with fear about what's to come.

dd (2.10) was a v v demanding high needs baby, cried all day, fed badly, constantly unsettled. Such hard work I became v isolated because of the constant screaming. Things have got a LOT better as she's got older but not until she could walk and talk tbh. Birth wasn't good, bf was horrible and me and dh nearly split up. Now I'm nearly due I keep wondering "what an earth have i done?". dd is happy now, we're happy finally, and now it might all get wrecked.

Me and dh crap at sleep deprivation, if the bay is up all night every night I just won't cope and I'm s**t scared of something happening in labour, oxygen deprivation or some other complication that affects the baby for life. just v v worried about dd and this new baby. I'm not a "natural" mother, find it boring and frustrating although I much prefer the toddler stage to the baby stage.

People will probably be wondering why I decided to go for another, the need to do it was something I can't explain and I'm sure others on here will understand that primitive need. But I've been stupid, I was viewing life through rose tinted glasses sad.

Also moving house next week and keep getting panic attackes about it, feel guilty for what I'm putting dd through, house move and new baby withing a month, it will be so stressful for her.

Yesterday at work was in office on my own doing admin all day, but couldn't concentrate just kept bursting into tears. Thank god no one saw me!

Just writing about it makes my chest tense up and I feel dizzy.

have i made a terrible mistake? if I have another baby like dd it's going to be hellish.

Then thinking about it I think we're so lucky, feelbad for moaning, dd is healthy i should be grateful, just being selfish.

God this anxiety is grim.

meep Wed 29-Jul-09 10:39:24

you have not made a terrible mistake.

Let me tell you my story. I am also not a natural mother. Traumatic birth with dd1, bf hell and felt guilty for ever about my perceived "failure" at it, fairly neurotic with dd1, she wasn't the worst baby in the world but certainly not the easiest.

Decided to go for number 2 and got pregnant straight away - I was terrified and cried a lot. Had difficult pregnancy and lots of work stress. Couldn't begin to imagine how I woudl cope with 2 under 2. Felt like you that I had a great relationship with dd1 and didn't want to spoil it.

Fast forward to now. I have dd1 who is 2yo. I have dd2 who is 4mo. They love each other so much. Dd1 kisses dd2 all the time, especially when she cries (which isn't often) I am not neurotic - I have no time to be! They giggle together.

I know I am lucky, dd2 is a chilled happy baby who sleeps well (at the moment) and doesn't do the hours of wailing I had with dd1.

It is tricky to start with. The way we did it was for me and the new baby to sleep in the spare room. I had did the night feeds and yes I was tired but the lack of sleep is easier second time round as you are more used to it and it is not as bad as you remember.

DH dealt with dd1 at night - so we wern't coping with double sleep deprivation if your toddler wakes up too. I worried the baby would wake the toddler but it doesn't happen very often.

Bf didn't work again but this time I moved on to ff without the same degree of guilt as I was determined not to let it make me unhappy again. I gave it my best shot - was fully armed with all the knowledge I could get pre-birth and went to support groups with dd2. Still didn't work out so I drew a line under it.

Still find the baby stage boring but dd2 has now turned into a cute wee giggler and she is actually lots of fun!

I worried about how I could love another baby, but you do and it is wonderful. Dd2 was an elective section so a very clinical birth but the love slowly crept up on me and doesn't take away from the love I have for dd1. I did find that in teh first few days I really just wanted to be alone with my new baby and found dd1 difficult to have around - think it is an instictive nurturing thing. That faded and I was able to enjoy them both.

I would say that things settled into place when dd2 was around 8wo. We had to deal with mumps, chickenpox, an infected c-section wound in the first few weeks of dd2's life and once we got over that it all settled down.

Having 2 is honestly wonderful - you will be great and I feel more of a "natural" mother this time round.

As for your worries about the birth - speak to your midwife honestly about your fears and how best to handle them. The scary things you are worried about happen really rarely.

good luck - you will be brilliant!

minxofmancunia Wed 29-Jul-09 10:46:19

thankyou so much meep what a lovely kind post and hopeful story!

especially helpful what you said about bf, it nearly destroyed me and mine and dhs relationship cos of all the issues it threw up.

My own stubborness made me persist even though it would have been better for everyone if we'd changed to ff. When i finally made the decision to do so dd wouldn't take a bottle we grappled for 6 weeks it was hellish, had suicidal thoughts and everything.

Am going to take a lead from what you've said about trying but NOT feeling guilty if it doesn't work and moving to ff as the best option for our family.

It's refreshing to know someone else has been in the same position smile

meep Wed 29-Jul-09 10:59:17

I think the bf thing scared me the most when I got pregnant with dd2. I really did not want to go back to the black place I had been when I stopped bf dd1. Those first few weeks with dd1 were awful I was in pain and she was hungry! You did better than me, I only managed a couple of weeks.

If you can, speak to a bf counsellor BEFORE the birth and talk through the issues you had first time round. You will feel that you are prepared and have done everything you can to make bf work this time.

tell teh MW's in hospital about the problems that you had. I told mine and that I would be buzzing every time I was latching dd2 on just to check.

BF worked with dd2 for longer - then my pain meds came to an end and it got very very sore again. When my nipple started bleeding I thought enough is enough I am not going to go there again. I did persevere with nipple shields but after a 7 hour feedathon I cracked open the formula grin. I also had to weigh up looking after dd1 as well.

I told dh he had to be supportive and let me do what i felt best but if he saw me/my mood going downhill he was to tell me and make me see a doctor.

I was more able to tell him that bf was not going well with dd2 and he listened while I cried and only once suggested ff. I told him I could only ff when I was ready and that is what happened. I feel sad but not guilty this time round.

TBH going on to ff was easy because I then knew what I was doing!

meep Wed 29-Jul-09 11:01:44

Forgot to say - a friend of mine who bf her lo for over a year was very supportive to me and was on hand to give advice if I wanted it. But she was compassionate enough not to give too mauch advice as she did not want to pressure me into keeping on going if I felt I didn't want to. But one thing she said when I ran into difficulties with dd2 was to be kind to yourself - and that is what you must do.

Gateau Wed 29-Jul-09 12:59:24

meep, thank you for your very, very honest post. It is very reassuring for me too. DS will be 2.6 when DC2 comes along in Oct/Nov and I too have worries about how it will all go. I too had problems BF with DS and after five weeks, had no choice but to throw the towel in. I DIDN'T feel guilty at that point though. I had no guilt left!
I have already decided that if BF doesn't go well, I will see the signs early and switch to FF. I also have my DS to think of.
I'm not saying anyone wlse will experience this but m,y frienbd is successfully BFing hr DCs - now four months and is loving it cos it didn;t go well with DC1. But in the meantime she is banning DC1 to the playpen when he gets jealous of her BFing DC1 and leaves all the looking after of DC1 to her husband who works aborad but is at home for long periods at at time. Her choice, but BF isn't so important to me that I would want my relationship with DS to suffer just so I could continue.

Gateau Wed 29-Jul-09 13:01:35

meant to say:
But in the meantime she is banning DC1 to the playpen when he gets jealous of her BFing DC2

Mybox Wed 29-Jul-09 13:05:12

You have lots happening Minx - a house move, your work, small kid and then preg with the birth soon. You must be so busy - do you get a moment to rest each day? Agree on the bf help. Best wishes xx

jumpyjan Wed 29-Jul-09 13:18:45

poor you - sounds like you are working yourself up about everything that you have got going on.

It is probably best to deal with each thing separately. Firstly I think it is perfectly normal to feel worried about labour, chances are it will be easier than last time so try to focus on that.

Secondly just because your first child was a difficult baby does not mean that this one will be. DD was much the same - fed every 2 hours through the night until 6 months and was very difficult to put back to sleep again after a feed, cried lots etc. However, my new DS is completely different. Very relaxed and chilled out and likes to sleep! You will probably also feel much more confident as a parent second time around and I think the second child is much less disruptive to the life that you already have.

With regards to the house move could you ask your partner to take charge of it. Perhaps you could do a few jobs towards it but he can deal with the organisation of the move so that it is something you do not have to think about?

Lastly just wanted to say that I think toddlers are a lot more adaptable than we give them credit for. I think if you prepare them for what is going to happen and talk over all the details with them they will accept it and even look forward to it. Perhaps you could talk to her about her new bedroom in your new house etc. I got a couple of books of Amazon to explain about the new baby and what was going to happen and I really think they helped.

I know its difficult not to worry (I am a worrier myself) but try not to worry about things that you cannot control.

Good luck.

cat64 Wed 29-Jul-09 13:46:01

Message withdrawn

littleboyblue Wed 29-Jul-09 13:54:42

Ds1 was a horrible baby. He always cried. Always. Dp wanted anoter one as we decided I was going to stay at home with ds1, so we started trying when he was 7 months. I now have 2 ds's, 18 months apart. They are now 2 and six months (next week).
It wasn't until close to due date for ds2 that I remembered how hard it was with ds1 in the early months and I started to worry about how I'd cope. I am no good on little sleep, dp works alot and we had our issues when ds1 was a baby.
We have only just recently managed to fall into a routine that mostly suits the 3 of us (me and ds's) and it has taken a bit of work, mostly nap training and things, but no matter how tough it gets, nothing would take away that joy when you see them smile at each other or laugh together.
Remember you're more experienced this time round and in eneral mght find it easier to adjust to going from 1 to 2 rather than 0 to 1 iyswim.

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