Am I unreasonable to expect my 10 year old DD to at least try and be nice to her brother - 3 years old

[Shugarlips]

I am mum to two lovely children, when they are not together.
DD1 is 10 and my DS1 is 3. The arguing and fighting is getting to such a pitch that I want to cry. I dread times when we are all together. She is so intolerant - I have to be with them all the time to act as translator and mediator!
My son only has to walk in her room and she says'don't do this, don't touch that, get out or worse'
He is probabaly quite annoying for her and she didn't ask for a brother but what can I do to make her at least try to get on with him? The 2 of them never want to do the same things either so it makes days out difficult.
Help me please as there is a lot of holiday left!

[BABYNO2CHARLIE]

I,m sorry to say this but you need to be more strict set boundaries for your eldest have you got a day to day routine i find kids like routine they no where they stand explain to your eldest that when she was 3 she acted the same and hes still only a baby. I know it sounds bad but when my 6 year old boy is out of hand i tell him that naughty children have to go to a naughty children school and live there for a while and its not a very nice place and exagerate about it, this might sound extreme but it works for me

[fluffles]

you can't make them want to do the same things or want to be in the same room together at all - in my experience (i was 10 when my brother was 3) the most you can hope for is silent tolerance.

she's not old enough to feel maternal/protective of him but she's too old to feel they have anything in common, so basically a 3yr old is just a pain to her with absolutely no positives at all.

my brother and i lived in an uneasy truce until i went to uni by me getting a lock on my bedroom door and my own tv, not having to spend time with him at home made it easier for me to put up with him on days out and in the car and at mealtimes etc.

sorry.

[fluffles]

p.s. if it's any consolation, we got on fine once i was at uni and he was in secondary school

[Shugarlips]

OMG fluffles this is painting a glum few years ahead however I suspect you are right and I should not expect too much of my children and especially my DD.

I thought a big age difference would make things easier but not so in our case.

Thanks for the suggestions

[Shugarlips]

Fluffles, can I ask how your parents coped with the fighting. I mean did they tackle it head on or take a more laid back approach? I haven't met anyone who was 10 with a 3 year old brother and think I might need to pick your brains!!

[LadyG]

I would try and give each of them one to one as much as possible and give her a 'reward'/incentive chart to improve her tolerance. 10/11 year old girls can be very selfish and hormonal and as you say 3 year old boys can be very annoying (and 4 and 5 and 6 year old boys). We had some awful fights-I feel ashamed now when I think about how awful I was (having had a similar age gap) and then my parents went and had another one when I was 13! if it is any consolation we get along OK now and I feel I have more than made up for being so nasty in handouts/loans/paying for holidays/paying for restaurants/cooking dinners/baking birthday cakes etc etc etc

[Shugarlips]

You sound like a lovely sister! We have actually made the decision not to have any more children because for one we can't stand the arguing and I think my DD would go into meltdown and I think you are right - she needs time on a one to one with me or DH.

[staylucky]

Hello,

Me and my brother have the same age gap. We got on great till he reached about 5 then he became the most annoying person ever. I was quite often on a power trip with being left in charge of him and am ashamed to say would also request total silence from him (not that it ever happened) I was quite rotton to him where as he totally lit up every time I walked in the room. .....god I feel even worse writing g this down lol.....

Now there is 5 1/2 years between my dd and my ds and I will do anything to avoid the same situtation. The tack I am going to take it that yes I expect her to protect him but it is never EVER her job to discipline or tell him off, thats our job as parents. My ds is newborn so I have no idea how that will pan out but I quite firmly believe that all members of the house show each other respect.

I think had my mum Made that clear to me it wouldve taken the pressure off.

For the record my dd is very maternal towards ds as was I as a kid so I don't think it's neccessarily an age thing.

Oh I wish you all the best, I'm sure it's really trying x x

[haventsleptforayear]

Try reading 'siblings without rivalry'. here

I need to revise it but there is some good stuff in there.

[Shugarlips]

Thank you - all your tips and experiences are really useful

[staylucky]

Oh just wanted to say my kid brother is 21 now and my favourite person, he's a very cool fella and we get on great (again!) he has totally forgiven me for being a b*tch too :-)