Could I? Should I? DC2 with a 10 Year Gap?

[OtterInaSkoda]

It has occurred to me I am probably officially in my late-thirties. I have one dc, who is coming up for 9. Over the years I?ve often thought about having another baby, but dp was never really convinced, mainly down to money concerns and it never being the right time. I think it?s relevant here that ds was unplanned as it means we?ve never had to decide to ttc so if we did, it would all be new to us.

I go from madly broody to happy-with-one-and-not really-into-babies-anyway-as-bigger-kids-are-way-more-interesting, and back again.

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Subject: Could I? Should I? DC2 with a 10 Year Gap?
By OtterInaSkoda on 27-Jul-09 13:27:

It has occurred to me I am probably officially in my late-thirties. I have one dc, who is coming up for 9. Over the years I?ve often thought about having another baby, but dp was never really convinced, mainly down to money concerns and it never being the right time. I think it?s relevant here that ds was unplanned as it means we?ve never had to decide to ttc so if we did, it would all be new to us.

I go from madly broody to happy-with-one-and-not really-into-babies-anyway-as-bigger-kids-are-way-more-interesting, and back again.

I was at home (more or less) with ds until he started school ? if I have another baby it will be very different and I?d have to start work, probably full-time, within 9 months. Dp could also (maybe) cut his hours. But we?d be back at work all the same. So although I?m a mother already the experience, if I did it again, would be very, very different and I think I?m a bit daunted by this. More daunting still, my mother was around when I had ds but died a couple of years ago ? I find the thought of having a baby and her not meeting them unbearable, which is perhaps the real reason why I?m sometimes antipathetic to the idea. I found some blankets and jackets she?d made for ds the other day which naturally had me in floods.

So, sorry for my ramblings. I guess what I?m asking is:

• Did I spend yesterday looking at prams (my how they?ve come along!) in the Argos catalogue because I?m pushing 40 and feel it?s now or never?
  
• Could I cope without my mother?
  
• What?s it like going back to work shortly after dc #2, having spent so long at home with dc1?
  
  I appreciate that I?m the only person who can answer these but any thoughts might help me to formulate my business case (do you think I?ve been back at work too long perhaps? )

[OtterInaSkoda]

ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH! How did that happen?

OK, I'll try again:
It has occurred to me I am probably officially in my late-thirties. I have one dc, who is coming up for 9. Over the years I?ve often thought about having another baby, but dp was never really convinced, mainly down to money concerns and it never being the right time. I think it?s relevant here that ds was unplanned as it means we?ve never had to decide to ttc so if we did, it would all be new to us.


I go from madly broody to happy-with-one-and-not really-into-babies-anyway-as-bigger-kids-are-way-more-interesting, and back again.


I was at home (more or less) with ds until he started school ? if I have another baby it will be very different and I?d have to start work, probably full-time, within 9 months. Dp could also (maybe) cut his hours. But we?d be back at work all the same. So although I?m a mother already the experience, if I did it again, would be very, very different and I think I?m a bit daunted by this. More daunting still, my mother was around when I had ds but died a couple of years ago ? I find the thought of having a baby and her not meeting them unbearable, which is perhaps the real reason why I?ve sometimes been antipathetic to the idea recently (whilst mentally arranging the bedrooms to make room for a new baby). I found some blankets and jackets she?d made for ds the other day and naturally ended up in floods.

So, sorry for my ramblings. I guess what I?m asking is:

• Did I spend yesterday looking at prams (my how they?ve come along!) in the Argos catalogue because I?m pushing 40 and feel it?s now or never?
  
  
• Could I cope without my mother?
  
  
• What?s it like going back to work shortly after dc #2, having spent so long at home with dc1?
  
  
  I appreciate that I?m the only person who can answer these but any thoughts might help me to formulate my business case (do you think I?ve been back at work too long perhaps? )

[yappybluedog]

don't know what happened to your post, but I recognise alot of things about my situation

why don't you leave it to nature? or fate?

Have you ever had a late period? What did you feel, deep down - a bit hopeful & excited or shit-scared?

someone much more articulate will be along soon

[yappybluedog]

I wouldn't even consider the age-gap an issue tbh

[scarlotti]

Age gap is irrelevant. My DD and DS have a 11.5 age gap between them and DD will be 15.5 years older than DS2 that I'm pg with currently. The question is do you want another child?

Yes, you will cope without your mother as you would have to (sorry, don't mean this to sound so blunt)

Going back to work is difficult but it's what many of us have to do to survive, and more importantly it ends up being the only life our DC's know and therefore is normal for them.

Are you thinking this because "time is running out" (sorry, hate that saying) - this is the crux of the matter. Answer this one and you have your answer - do you want another child?

[OtterInaSkoda]

Thanks yappy.

Funnily enough the age gap doesn?t really bother me, in that I think ds would make an amazing big brother. He absolutely loves younger children and babies ? always has done. I feel really quite upset to think that he might be an only child ? I was and I was desperate for siblings. On the other hand he loves animals too. Perhaps a dog would be more practical

The gap for me though is a bigger issue ? it?s been so long since I?ve been on the mummy circuit, iykwim. Or indeed spent much time with babies. And so much has changed in my own life in that time (primarily work and losing my mum). But I can?t help the feeling that it?s now or never. And that isn?t really a good enough reason ? is it?

I?ve had a few late periods ? some down to the fact that I don?t keep dates very well. I?ve never felt shit-scared. Deffo more in the hopeful/excited area. And when AF has come along the relief:disappointment has tended toward the latter.

[OtterInaSkoda]

To be frank I would like another child. Work is pretty boring (perhaps not the best reason to bring another person into the world!)and I would very much like ds to have a sibling, however big the age gap.
But time is against me - I feel like my hand is being forced. I can feel an AIBU coming on...

[scarlotti]

If you want another child, and want a sibling for your DS, then isn't that enough as long as your DP agrees obviously?!

Time may well be against you, but that just means you have to make the decision sooner rather than later. It's not just your age either, if your DS is almost 10 then for him to benefit from the sibling it would need to be born fairly soon. My DD is now 15 and her focus has definitely moved outside of the family - she sees friends more outside of the house, and is on the pc talking to them when she's in the house! A change from say 12 months ago.

I'd say go for it!! It's been the making of our family.

[ScummyMummy]

I think you should go for it, as long as your partner has no objections, of course. The only reason to have another child is because you want another child, imo, and it sounds like the scales are firmly tipped towards you wanting another child, from what you've posted. Plus I am biased because I'm about to have a baby after a 10 year age gap (my eldest 2 are twins)! I know exactly what you mean about the dauntingness of starting again and, by necessity, doing it a bit differently- I have a career (of sorts!) to return to this time round so will be plunged into the world of childminders et al a lot quicker. But I'm quietly ever so excited (when not shitting myself) and, what is more, so are my partner and children (intermittently, at least, in the case of the boys!). I think we are going to be plunged into a fabulous chaos. You should do it too!

[OtterInaSkoda]

Thank you so much everyone for replying

DP is wavering - I can understand why. We're off on holiday in a couple of days so -I'll see if I can grind him down we'll have plenty of time to really talk this through...

[yappybluedog]

have a great time - but don't talk about it too much

[scattykatty]

DS was born at the same time as a little girl whose brother turned 11 exactly 5 days after she was born. Her parents tell me all the time that she was the BEST thing to ever happen to them. Their son loves being a big bro.

Also a friend of mine had her first child late (42) and her husband had an 11 year old DD from his first marriage. She adores being a big sis to, I think when they are a bit older they can really appriciate finally having a sibling.

GO FOR IT!

[Klaw]

My ds was nearly 12 when dd was born. They adore each other yet still fight like cat and dog.

I managed 6 months back at work part time before I jacked it in cos the boss was a bully and life's too short. I couldn't see the point in paying out a huge chunk of my wages to someone else to look after my kid. We are financially crippled but its important to me that I look after my children till they go to school.

I have more patience with my dd than I ever did with ds, I do enjoy her a lot more, although that could have a lot to do with her VBAC.

Due to circumstances life is almost intolerably hard but would I wish I hadn't had her, no way! I desperately want another child so that she won't grow up as an 'only' child the way ds did but those blardy circumstances have ruined that too. She's now 4 and I'm 42. I do hope I'll get another child before it's too late. It's a daily wish.

Do you have those sorts of feelings? Cos that might help answer your question

[PortAndLemon]

It sounds to me from your posts as though you want another child, so in your shoes I would go for it. I've gone back to work full-time when my children were 8.5 months and 10.5 months and it's worked well for us (I am looking into cutting down to part-time now DS is starting school, though, so the other way round from you).