DD is a highly extrovert child. She relishes being the centre of attention, loves everybody watching and listening to her, is bossy but manages to do it in a nice way wrt her peers. She is very sociable, needs constant company, always wants to be with friends. She is 5, nearly 6.
I am an introvert. I exist in my head. I need regular longish periods of time on my own to think as i always have loads going on in my head.
I have concluded that DD and I are incompatible. DD wants my head space, but i need it for myself. The holidays magnify the problem, as of course she is around all day instead of being away for 6 hours a day during the week.
For reasons too long and complicated to go into now, i have no help or support during the holidays ie no grandparents to help out, nor any other family. I don't have that many friends i could call on to give me a break from DD, she has lots of friends at school but most have gone away and are busy with family etc right now.
I am at the end of my tether. I feel depressed, lethargic, disillusioned with motherhood, I am clearly not cut out for it, certainly not to be a mother to DD.
I also have 3 year old DS who is completely different. He is far far less demanding and i find it so much more enjoyable spending time with him. The less attention he demands, the more i want to give him my time and attention. With DD, however much attention i give her, it is never enough, she always wants more until i am drained and exhausted.
I feel i am on the verge of just walking out of the door with my bad and passport and not coming back. DH doesn't understand, although i have talked to him about how i feel. He thinks things will get better when DS starts school and i have time to do what i want/go back to work etc.
But i am not in the least bit optomistic about the future. I can't see how i can go back to work even when DS starts school. I used to have a professional job, i can't go back to that as there are no real part time positions, it's just not that sort of profession.
I just feel like i have sacrificed most of the rest of my life due to having children. Before i had them, or even when they were still very young, i naively thought i could go back to work once they were at school and life would kind of go back to how it was pre-DC's! Just writing that now makes me realise just how clueless i was about what impact having children would have on my whole life.
I feel quite bitter that i was not given the slightest inkling by anybody, none of the books etc etc, about how having DC's essentially means giving up my own life, not just temporarily but forever.
I know theoretically I could put DS into full time day care and go back to work full time, with DD in wrap-around care before and after school. I know a lot of mums do that. But i know i personally couldn't. I would be crippled with guilt and probably as bad as i do now but in a different way.
I am sure this is not a problem i alone face, i know so many of you feel similarly, if not perhaps as bad as i do right now. I have wracked and wracked my brains for some sort of solution that i would feel happy and comfortable with, where the DC's would not be the losers, but I cannot think of one. That is why i think i feel such despair, to the point where i have even thought of suicide as an option. I couldn't do it purely because of the DC's, and yet it is because of the DC's that i feel this way. I'm between a rock and a hard place. There is no way out that i can see.
Has anybody solved this awful dilema?
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I'm an introvert, DD is highly extrovert, am finding it really hard to be around her. Please help.....very long, started writing and couldn't stop...sorry
68 replies
oneplusone · 24/07/2009 15:23
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