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I'm a really shit mommy and i cant snap out of it!(258 Posts)
dd is only 2 and I can't keep my cool with her and can't stop shouting at her and being nasty and i don't want to be like this as i love her so much and being a mom is what ive always wanted and im shit.
this morning i wanted to take her to baby gym which she loves and its the only class on as its school hols. we needed to leave at 9.40 so we were all ready when she decided she needs a wee. i sat her on the toilet..
dd "i need a wee"
me "have a wee and we can go"
dd "no" (raspberry)
me "do you need a wee"
me "lets get our shoes and go then"
dd "no i need a wee"
she was on and off the toilet laughing and blowing raspberries, i asked her if she wanted to go to gym and she said yes but then kept asking for a wee till 10.05.
i ended up shouting that she was silly and didnt deserve to go to gym and could stay in all day and be bored and i was fed up of her being silly and i went on and on at her. i just wanted to walk out the house and leave her to it as she drives me up the wall.
she then cried and asked for a cuddle and gym.
i took her to the gym and then park and we had a lovely morning out and she was good as gold and i told her i love her and how good she was being etc.
but everything i want her to do, even if its something nice like going to the park, ends up with me shouting her crying then eventually we go and have a great time.
what i am doing wrong?
Why cant i be patient with my own dd?
I feel like walking away and leaving dd and dp to it as they get on so well and im just shouting and being a bitch.
ive just read that and i fucking hate myself.
Don't hate yourself. This is a good place to vent.
you are not a shit mummy, and please don't feel like you are nasty . It is hard work being patient with a 2 year old, and she is probably picking up on your impatience and playing up more because it gets attention. It's what they do
Try this trick. Next time you find yourself getting wound up, take some deep breaths and imagine you are being filmed by a TV crew.
You do know how to talk to your dd - you've shown in your OP how you praise her good behaviour, you are just falling into a bad pattern.
Your not a bad mummy, you went to baby gym and the park and had a great time, try and forget about what happened before you went (most mornings are like this in my house).
dd just woke up from her nap and is all cuddly and its like a completely different scanario, she is lovely and i am happy to look after her.
but trying to do anything is awful and then i feel like not bothering and then dd will suffer as a 2 year old needs to do stuff.
i think she knows she winds me up and does it on purpose. i think to myself that i wont react, just get on with what needs doing and stay calm, but then she gets to me and i go mad again.
thats probably why she is happy with her dad as he is calm and very rarely shouts at all.
going to look after dd now and get her lunch but thank you for bothering to read it and reply and i will look again later.
Everybody loses it with their kids, everybody. You're normal and human, not crap at all. Try not to compare your relationship with your dd to your dh's, they are different but equally valuable. I don't think 2yos need to do much really - I have a 23mth ds and am 38wks pregnant, we spend quite alot of time literally rolling around on the sofa or having extremely long baths, with a bit of tickling and hiding under duvets. Yes, it's exciting stuff. If you want to go to babygym, that's great, but she doesn't NEED to go IMVHO. Try to give yourself permission to be the mother you want to be, don't worry about what everyone else is and isn't doing, just believe in yourself and what you are doing - nothing else matters except that you and her are ok. I wouldn't mind blowing raspberries for 20minutes, sounds like fun.
I think you are being too hard on yourself, try to relax and do things YOUR way - because that's the best for all of you.
that's the problem i think, i'm not very relaxed. I like things like baby gym as i know what i'm doing, at home it can be a long day, and dd likes to see other children and i don't have many friends with young dc.
I get so annoyed with her and we seem to be battling a lot.
My mom and stepdad came round tonight and dd was playing with them but every time she had a drink she threw the cup on the floor or at one of us afterwards. everytime i told her to say sorry and pick up the cup which she did but i find that naughty and she is so relentless. she cant walk past a paper without swiping it onto the floor. if she sees a pen she has to grab it. i'm constantly following her round saying no and removing things she shouldnt have instead of enjoying ourselves. or she stands and screams and i try to ignore but it goes through me and i end up shouting and its a vicious circle.
Ilovetochat, you sound really stressed at the moment and you have my sympathy because parenting is bloody hard some days.
The only thing I would suggest is that maybe your expectations of your DD are a little high. She is only 2, still a young toddler, she is not deliberately being naughty or deliberately trying to wind you up. Try not to battle with her (I know, way easier said than done), you can't win.
Most things they do at this age, ie. cup throwing, is just purely to get attention or just to see what happens. There is no thought behind it or malice, it's just toddlers being toddlers. You need to accept that this is a phase she will go through, think of a strategy to deal with it (ignore or distract, or a firm NO and then remove item) and then do your best to stick to that strategy.
If it's time to go out and she is playing around then just say, 'Come on DD we're going now' and if she doesn't come then just pick her up and leave.
You sound like you need a break to recharge your batteries because the neverending patience required for toddlers is draining.
Oh, and I know exactly what you mean about the following them around constantly removing dangerous items, preventing them from giving someone a wallop, trying to climb up onto the windowsill, get in the fridge, mess in the toilet, pull the loo roll off the holder........ sometimes it just feels like you never get 5 minutes peace to finish your cuppa.
You need a break, so you can see the funny side of things again.
Is the doing the wee thing a regular problem? I had a real prob with dd after the initial interest after she had been toilet trained a while, so i made her a sticker chart for leaving as she couldnt read it had a list of pics (toilet/tap for handwashing/hairbrush/socks and shoes) and i would draw smiley faces next to these then a sticker for all smiley faces.
It sounds long winded but i found the 'leaving the house to get to timed activity' stressfull (had a newish baby too) and it made the whole process quicker and she was ddevastated if she got a sad face and immediately behaved
Hi Ilovetochat, I clicked on this link because I could relate to it, how many of us feel we sometimes just aren't up to the job! But I think you are being hard on yourself, and I'm sure your dd remembers the fun she's had today not the shouting. I think the advice from other posters is great, and will try to follow some of it myself too..
ilovetochat you sound a bit like me, well my DS is a bit younger but equally trying sometimes, I don't have many friends really, none nearby or with children so I feel I need to go out with him as he loves it, but then I do get wound up when plans fall flat. I have been trying to go to story time on a Thursday for about a month now and it just hasn't happened. Then I think there is something wrong with me!
Today it's as though every other word from me was 'no' - and the guilt just trebles when they are lovely but sometimes shaking his water cup for the hundredth time can just feel like the last straw... when really, it just isn't that important. Try to keep stuff you really don't want her to have out of reach and turn a blind eye to the rest. I try to follow that, don't always succeed but the days are nicer when I do.
op, your dd is 2, that's the classic age where they are a real pain the bum, as well as being unbelievably lovely. try not to get too stressed, you are so not a bad mummy, it's normal to lose your cool once in a while, but it sounds like you have a very normal relationship with dd and no point beating youself up about shouting, we all do it from time to time.
thank you all for the messages, dd is just 2 and maybe i do expect a lot from her as she talks very well so i (and everyone else) tends to treat her older.
I do need a break from her so i can appreciate her again. i am a sahm and with her 24/7 so i never get to miss her or her me. for months i have been saying i willl have a wed night activity out but never get there cos of time/money/chicken out.
i might try the sticker chart as that worked well with potty training. the wee thing happens a lot. just as dinner is served she needs a wee, even though she was asked just before. when we are in a rush she needs a wee. when she goes to bed she needs a wee. its a bit of a time staller i think as she knows we react.
today she weed when she got up, then not again till her nap, i put a pullup on her and she weed that much in her sleep it leaked. then she wouldnt wee all afternoon, till dinnertime, then she just wet herself on the bed (so im just washing sheets/duvet cover and arranging my dad to wash the duvet tomorrow) and didnt even tell us??? i'm wondering if she could have an infection or something?
supercherry, i dont just scoop her up last secong when going out as i have to offer the toilet so we dont have accidents in the car, thats when it all goes wrong.
mind you getting her shoes on involves her running round the house laughing until i grab her and she mmoans.
thank you all for being nice to me saying im not nasty but i feel like im not as good a mom as i want to be. my mom was brilliant to me and i want to be the same.
Ilovetochat, you sounded less stressed on your last post so that's good. Hope you're feeling better today too.
Just wanted to clarify what I meant by picking her up to go, I meant if she was playing around, saying she needed a wee and then not weeing. What I meant was, I wouldn't let her make you late, causing more stress. Maybe say you're ready to go 10 minutes before you actually need to leave, let her have her wee, or ask her if she needs one (however you do it), but then when it's time to go, if she wont come willingly, don't battle, just pick her up and go.
Hope the star chart works too.
2 is a very demanding age and nobody is perfect, but you are really trying hard to be the best mum you can be, so that is great. I am concerned that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about what a 2 year old needs to be doing and about what you think other people will expect your 2 year old to be doing. If people make any comments about your parenting this is usually to justify their own parenting that they are unconfident about!
I found going for long walks every day with the buggy very relaxing, with a stop off at the play park.
Finally I have a great book to recommend for creating happy parents and happy kids "Playful Parenting" by Laurence Cohen.
Everyone gets annoyed and angry with their kids, everyone.
It does sound like you're having a hard time not taking it out on your DD though. At least you are aware of it.
I would recommend 'faking it', this has got me through many times when all I've wanted to do is scream and rant at DS. When you feel like you're loosing your cool go into faking it mode, and just pretend that you are acting the part of calm super-mummy. i promise it works, and it actually has the effect of calming you down too, at least until you can get into a room by yourself and bash all of your anger out on a pillow (this also works, i recommend it)
Also, your DD masy be a bit young still, but I recommend you buy the book "how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk" or whatever it is called. Very Very good.
I know exactly how you feel as I have just gone through yet another phase of being like this with my DCs (1 and 3). I find trying to do too much can make it worse. My advice (for what its worth!) would be to try not to do too much, have a bak up plan if you don't end up making it to baby gym and try and see things from DDs point of view. May sound obvious but the last one was suggested to me by my sister and has really helped me calm down in certain situations. From your DDs perspective it must be hilarious getting mummy to take her on and off the toilet.
Also, and this may not apply to you but watch the company you keep. I haven't made that many friends since being at home with the DCs but I do see one person in particular who has an annoying habit of being competitive about my DCs and her DCs. I spend my whole time smiling at her through gritted teeth. I didn't see her last week and was so much happier in general and with my DCs. I would like to keep seeing her as DD loves her DD but will be less of it from now on.
Oh and another thing that helps and this is going to sound bizarre but I find it really helps if on a bad day I imagine I am the DCs nanny instead of mother so I am doing a job. Kind of changes the focus of the whole thing.
I've ordered the book How to talk so kids will listen. I'm sick of shouting at my DC and sometimes feel I do it ALL day long!
i'm watching this thread
How to talk is great, and some great advice above.
One of the things it has under 'rules', though I don't think it calls them that, in 'unconditional parenting' is 'never be in a hurry'
God, I wish I'd taken that on board when ds1 was little. If it tends to be a point of stress, like supercherry said, plan to leave 10, or even 30 minutes early if you can. Then if you do get out of the house straight away you can dawdle along together looking at snails or whatever, if you don't you're still not late; win-win.
And.. this will pass.
Sending empathy - I am having real issues with my patience at the moment (blaming the contraceptive implant) and frequently feel guilty all evening for how grumpy I have been in the day.
What I am trying to do:
Only say no if I really have to - I have removed everything that DS (18m) definitely can't have and if he starts making a mess with other things I just take a deep breath.
I always apologise if I have been unreasonable - had to do this with DD (4) last night after I snapped at her. She amazed me by apologising for her own behaviour too!
I don't negotiate - if they don't do what they need to to get us out of the door I just sit in the kitchen. Their curiosity means they always come and find me, often wearing their shoes.
I often swear/rant into the fridge to relieve my own tension!
Good luck. And remember, two year olds ARE bloody hard work.
thank you all for the replies and book recomendations, i will look for them at the library.
i get bored when im at home on my own, i take dd to the park a lot but mostly its empty and she asks where the children are so i partly take her to baby gym to see other children to play with and partly so i can chat to or at least say hello to some other adults. i try to organise everything before we go so dd just has to get her shoes and have a wee but then she stalls. i know toddlers are slow at everything but im not very patient, i need to chill out and stay calm, i just wish i could.
today was better as dp was home this morning so we all went to the park/reservoir but i was still snapping at both of them to hurry up.
i am going to try sitting on the stairs and waiting for dd to come and get her shoes as i think she finds it a joke when i shout and look for her.
what upsets me is when she is 4 and at school i will be wishing i had more time with her and kicking myself for not enjoying this time more. i go from so happy and laughing with her and knowing how lucky i am to so angry/annoyed/sad/lonely, i cant seem to regulate my feelings, im very happy then very sad.
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