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relationship with eldest when sibling is born

(7 Posts)
roseability Tue 14-Jul-09 18:42:55

Did anyone find the relationship with their eldest became difficult when their second was born? Did you feel the bond with eldest wasn't as strong? Did they reject you and take their anger out on you?

I am enjoying my 4 week old daughter so much and have bonded with her so well. But I am struggling with my 3 year old DS and feel like a terrible mum as a result.

Did this get better? How?

ScoopDeMerde Tue 14-Jul-09 18:48:38

The main thing I remember is that the older one seems absolutely huge! The gap between first and second was only 22 months but DD seemed massive, with massive nappies!

I think they tend to feel a bit jealous that you spend more time (which up until now was their time) with the new baby and can be quite resentful which in turn makes you feel very protective over the new baby.

Try to include the firstborn in helping with the baby, even if fetching a nappy, but also mosre importantly try to give the first born time on their own with you, perhaps when DH/DP is home. Let dad also have special time with the first born.

BintOfBohemia Tue 14-Jul-09 18:56:33

Hi - yes, I found this. Have a look at this thread from last week...

genieg Tue 14-Jul-09 20:09:27

Roseability - I had the same age gap. I had a very strong bond with DS1 but did find it hard for a few weeks. Six months on - all is back on track and we have a fabulous bond once again.

I treated DS1 more like a baby than before. I called him my baby again, instigated 'baby' cuddles after bathtime (all in a lighthearted way so as not to affront his 3 yr old pride!). He seemed visibly reassured by this and it formed the basis for getting us close again.

There were loads of other little things but it was all psychological/verbal stuff. I didn't have the energy for special projects together and didn't have any help during the week to be able to spend time just with DS1.

Don't be hard on yourself, it will get better and he'll become your little chum again.

roseability Tue 14-Jul-09 20:32:47

I am mourning the time when it was just us and we did loads of fun things together

Also I had a difficult birth and PND after DS and I suppose if I admit it, it took longer to bond with him and be able to 'read'him and his needs.

With DD I had a lovely waterbirth and I have just connected with her in the most amazing way. I suppose I feel guilty about my DS

I absolutely do not love them any differently but DS is very much for his Daddy at the moment. My DH has been doing fun stuff with him and I feel left out sometimes e.g. I used to love taking him swimming. Last week I had to sit with DD and watch while my DS and DH splashed and swam in the pool

genieg Tue 14-Jul-09 20:50:59

Oh I could have written the last line of your post a few months ago.

One thing we did was talk about all the great times we had as a threesome. Lots of 'remember when...' type comments which helped to bridge the gap.

It won't be long before you can do everything you did before. As I mentioned DS2 is now 6 months and there isn't really a divide at all anymore. You'll have to work with your DH to make sure he's not always doing the fun stuff though..my DH finds babies hard and so actually unintentionally encouraged a divide.

Its such early days for you. I remember looking at DS1 and wanting to cry for what we'd 'lost' but that is such a distant memory already.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 14-Jul-09 20:52:43

We tried really hard to do things just with DD once DS came along, but we are lucky that we run a business from home and she was in nursery in the mornings.

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